Snow

Christmas has come and gone without so much as a trace of snow or Winter weather. It's crazy. I don't even remember the last time we haven't had a White Christmas. Sounds like we won't be getting any snow for a while either. Nothing in the forecast for at least another 10 days. No clue after that because my weather thing only goes out 10 days! lol

I LOVE WINTER. and I LOVE SNOW. and I WOULD REALLY LIKE SOME RIGHT NOW!!

Christmas Time

2 days til Christmas! I can hardly believe it! This year has not been kind to us and it seems like it all flew by so quickly that I barely had time to blink and it's over. I'm very unprepared for Christmas this year and I've been sort of a scrooge about the whole thing. I just feel like I've been at a stand still and time is flying by around me. In my mind it's still only October and I've got plenty of time.

The holidays are tough for me, it's just another reminder that another year has gone by and we STILL don't have children. And let's be honest most holidays are geared towards children so I think that makes it a little tougher. Plus I've always wanted to be able to tell our families that we are expecting with a big Christmas surprise. Sadly we've never gotten that opportunity.

So here's hoping that 2012 will be a lot kinder to us and we will finally get the miracle we've been wishing/hoping for for so long.

Crazy Train

I have fallen off the crazy train.

Every time I walk past a young, pregnant woman without a wedding ring on it takes a lot of will to keep walking and not stop and ask if she is planning on keeping the baby or adopting him/her. CRAZY! Who does that?!?!? I mean I haven't ACTUALLY stopped anyone but I've wanted to and for that I am certifiably INSANE.

I can't enjoy anything anymore without my thoughts drifting off towards crazy land.
The other night IN CHURCH.. Pastor said "So I was checking my Facebook right before this and there is a 15 year old girl in our congregation that is pregnant and she put it on there and her boyfriend was writing comments about how that wasn't possible and other people were writing comments about her and they were all so what are you going to do and that's funny isn't it" *He was telling the story of Mary & Joseph as if it were in modern times and what she was having to go through in her own church and community. * HOWEVER, I heard 15 year old pregnant girl in our congregation and my head lifted up to look around to see if I could find her and talk to her to see her thoughts on adoption. CRAZY. Complete crazy.

So all this crazy means the very last place I should have gone yesterday was the Mall to get some shopping done. Good grief that was a bad idea!! Pregnant teeny boppers everywhere. Don't people teach children about sex ed anymore. It's insane to see all these really really young girls waddling around the mall super pregnant while hanging out with their friends. Which brings me to the statement "It'll happen when God thinks your ready or when he thinks the time is right!!" So you're telling me that God that it was the 'right time' for these little teenage people but not the right time for a couple who has been married for 7 years and doing anything they can for a child. I call bullshit and that statement pisses me off more than anything. So if you say that to someone... stop it immediately. It's rude and makes you sound like an ass.

Doctors

Yesterday I had a doctor appt to look into why I've been getting such terrible headaches.

Well I didn't get to see my regular doctor since he was full until after the 1st of the year so I got a fill-in, which is fine and well since he was really nice but gahh!

I HATE having to explain to every.single.person you talk to the same story over and over and over again.

Receptionist: Why do you need an appt? *you tell them and they WRITE IT DOWN!*
Nurse: So what's the problem today? *You tell her and she WRITES IT DOWN!!*
Doctor: Reads what nurse wrote and says So what seems to be the matter today? *ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!*

I just watched you read the chart that the nurse wrote and then you ask me again!

So I was already annoyed by that.. and then he starts with the questions.

Well naturally he gets to the last period question? And I'm thinking EFFF cause I know where he's going with this.

So I have to explain to him that my last period was in October and he starts eyeing me like you stupid silly girl naturally you are pregnant! *I get more annoyed*

So then I continue to explain that I know that seems weird but I had a cyst rupture and then bleeding for 1 day and then it's just fine... no pregnancy, just move on already. *him still eyeing me like you stupid silly girl, how could NOT realize that your pregnancy is causing this* *me still annoyed*

So this goes back and forth with me explaining that look I'm not pregnant just trust me on this one. He's not convinced.

So we go through entire appt and he keeps reminding me to make sure to take a test when i get home before I get prescription for migraines filled because NATURALLY YOU ARE PREGNANT!! YAY!! CALL ME IN THE MORNING TO LET ME KNOW!! WOO HOO!!

I sort of expected there to be a little parade and balloons when i opened the door. Annoying!

So then the drive home where I start to think, ya know what if he's just right? What if I accidentally ovulated at a different time and maybe I am pregnant... stupid, stupid girl...

So I get home all the while getting my hopes up with every increasing minute. So I get home and take a test and what should I see......... you guessed it folks BFN!!!!!! Imagine that.

Stupid doctor!

So alls I'm saying is why do doctors always think people are pregnant... or maybe it's just me. I mean i could go in for a sprained ankle and they are all oh well since your pregnant you got dizzy and fell and that's why you hurt your ankle... WHAAAT???

Seriously I know that for 'some people' these things add up to pregnancy. But for an infertile, it doesn't. I know it doesn't. So STOP GETTING MY HOPES UP WITH ALL THIS CONGRATULATIONS TALK, just to be let down again.

Treat me for what I came there for and move on.

Bummed

Today was the day that the finalists were announced for the FREE IVF giveaway through Sher Fertility Institutes. Sadly we were not a finalist. I wish all the finalists the best of luck but I can't help but be jealous.

Jealous is something that I've become all to familiar with here lately. I have now started getting jealous of other infertile couples who I've felt their journey was "easier" than mine. That's pretty bad. I know how terrible Infertility is and yet here I am being mad at other couples going through it because they have IVF insurance coverage, or the money to try IVF and have done it 6 times. Am I really jealous of someone who has done IVF 6 times and doesn't have a baby? Why yes, yes I am. I.am.a.terrible.person.

It just sucks. We know what we WANT to do but we just don't have the insurance coverage/money to DO any of it.

I really need to win the lottery. I know they say money doesn't buy happiness but I'm here to tell you, it does. It buys IVF medications, IVF treatments, dr appts, time off work, and everything else we need to make a family. It would also cover home studies, agency fees & placement fees. That's the sucky thing about infertility... not only does it take everything you have mentally, physically & emotionally, it also takes ALL OF YOUR MONEY. Everything about it is sooo expensive.

So it might not buy everyone's happiness but it sure would buy mine.

Random Ramblings

We had a pretty low key weekend. Spent mostly helping Mom and Rick finish the remodel in the basement. It's so close to being done! :) Saturday night was our company Christmas party which was nice to get out for a while.

I am just sort of feeling blah today. Christmas is in 13 days and I don't even want it to come this year. We have no snow, all of our extended families are being GIANT pains in the ass about scheduling, and I'm just not happy with the way this year has turned out. It doesn't feel like the holiday season at all. I don't know how people who live in warmer climates do it. Without the snow and telltale signs of winter I just can't seem to get in the mood at all.

I even had one aunt call my mom and COMPLAIN that we didn't spend enough money on her youngest son last year. CAN.YOU.BELIEVE.THAT?!?!?! Her youngest is approx 13. All the other grand kids are 29-21, T the youngest was adopted (he's actually a great nephew on the other side of the family). Well none of us other grand kids exchange presents between each other anymore. We just buy for the little guys (next generation). Well since T is younger we have always bought for him too. Which is fine but since he's getting older it's more difficult. So we usually get him a gift card. Well my aunt didn't think the amount was high enough and called to complain and demand insist we spend at least $15 each on him. Which $15 isn't such a big deal but it's the principal... he should be thankful for any gift without being rude about the amount spent. Very tacky and incredibly rude.

I think everyone spends alot of time at the end of the year thinking about what they have done this year and how things could have been different and I am no exception. J & I have been saying (for the last couple years) that we were glad for the year to be over and that the next year would be 'our year'. Each year has gotten progressively worse than the year before it and so now all I have to say is that if 2012 gets ANY worse than 2011 was, I'm not sure I'll make it out alive.

Breakdown

Today I might have had a huge gigantic little tiny breakdown.

This morning when I woke up AF had returned. Which I know is good for my overall sanity & health but still. Boo to the things that come with it.

Then I'm bored to death at work. Very sad.

So I go home for lunch and can't get in the house.
The door knob has been getting stuck and having problems and generally just been being a pain in the ass. But hasn't been fixed yet.
So I am standing there twisting and turning and trying ever so unsuccessfully to get into the house. All I wanted was lunch.

Then...I.LOST.IT.

I mean all out, screaming at the skies, throwing things, kicking things, yelling profanities LOST IT.
I'm actually surprised the neighbors didn't call the psych ward right then.

I was just so tired of everything falling all apart and not being able to control or fix it. I've heard that people grieve differently and different things set them off. I hadn't really felt like I cried much during the funerals and visitations but I think I was in sort of a never-ending state of shock. Did I ever think my jump off point would be a door knob? No. Do I still think that part of the story is a little ridiculous? Absolutely.

I screamed and cried and yelled for how unfair it was to loose two Grandparents so close together and right before the holidays. I cried for all this infertility bullshit we've been through over the last 6.5 years. I cried for being stuck outside with no phone and for not having a phone for the last month and for not having the money to get my phone turned back on. I cried for being broke all the time, for living with my parents at the age of 27. I cried for just wanting to eat lunch and having no money since I'd spent every dollar I had on groceries last night (so I'd be able to eat lunch) all of which were currently locked in the house (that I'm sure I looked like I was trying to rob). I cried and screamed and yelled profanities at God in the middle of the yard like a crazy person.

Did I feel better after getting it all off my chest? Yes. Do I think any of those things I'm upset about are going to change anytime soon? No.

But shortly after my screaming/crying/begging fit had slowed to just tears running down my face the door suddenly clicked and I could get in. I've never been so glad to walk into the house as I was just then.

And I'm ok with the fact that this story makes me sound crazy because the breakdown needed to happen and I needed to get that stuff off my chest. Hopefully now I will be able to move on and start trying to get my life back.

Prayer

Today was Grandma K's knee replacement surgery. It was at 9:30 this morning and drs said she came through very well. Now everything is up to how determined she is to go through therapy. Hopefully she'll be up and moving in no time.

I was reading on another blog over the weekend and read something that really resonated with me. She said that her husband interrupted her while she was praying and told her 'not to ask for life to be easier, but to pray that she was stronger' and at first I thought Wow, what a dick... why wouldn't he want their life to be easier after several hardships... But then I thought more about it and he was right. No one said life would be easy. Sometimes it's not even fun but praying for life to get easier without being willing to make changes yourself is just a waste of time.

This got me thinking of several things that I've been praying for.

I have recently been praying for a new job. Well to be honest, as much as I would LOVE to have a new job I haven't been really looking. I haven't submitted any resumes and have only skimmed over a couple websites. How on earth can God bless me with a new job, if I'm not looking too.

I've also been praying for God to give us a financial break. Well again, I'm not really doing anything to help  this. I'm not saving money, I'm not looking for a 2nd job to help out or a new primary job that pays more. I've just been hoping/wishing/praying that we would miraculously "come into some money". I'm not sure if I thought it would start falling from the skies or what, but I now know that I'm the one that needs to make a change.

I've also been praying about how it isn't fair that we cannot conceive. Well I guess on that front, I still thing it's not fair that so many people become pregnant everyday and we do not but maybe if we had some of those other things in order and I was healthier then God would decide that it could be time for us to grow our family.

So now I agree, 'Don't pray for an easier life, pray for strength to make it through the one you have.'

Weekend Recap

It's Monday. Back to the grind. It was a pretty uneventful weekend.

Friday Jerry had gone hunting and got a Buck(!) so him and his friend Kory spent the evening gutting & cutting the meat up. GROSS! I know that since I'm a meat eater that someone has to do that process with every animal but I don't like to see or be apart of it! lol After the boys were done we watched a movie, 30 Minutes or Less, it was really funny.

Saturday was Annual Christmas Cookie Baking Day. I was a little nervous about this since my mom and sisters weren't exactly speaking to since our fight earlier in the week, but everything was fine. We got lots of treats made and lots of laughs too!

Saturday night we had Thanksgiving with Jerry's dad & step-mom. It was nice, we don't get together with his side of the family much because they aren't very close and with all of our other families it just never seems to work out schedule wise. But we had a good night eating & watching the kids (Jerry's sister, niece & nephew) play Wii. I also got a kick out of watching Jerry and his dad fall asleep side by side on the couch in the exact same position. Tried to get a picture but he woke up! lol

Sunday I did a little Christmas shopping and then we went to Kory & Kelsey's for dinner & a movie. Jerry was glad the Packers won, despite my best efforts to cheer the Giants on! lol

Overall it was a pretty good weekend. Nothing to terribly exciting but still lots of fun and family time.

I need a book

Today I am wishing for a book.

The book I would like to be titled "How to Cope with Infertility: When your family doesn't understand".

I don't know what else to do. I've explained, re-explained, sent them articles, sent them things to say or not say... and still nothing. They still all think that I'm just being dramatic and just need to relax.

I don't know what else to do to try and help them understand.

It's especially tough being so jealous that I'm the oldest child and both my younger sisters have kids. That they got pregnant with "on accident". Honestly, how on earth is that fair.

I guess it's not, life isn't fair. Sometimes it's just not fair and there isn't anything you can do about it.

wow.

Today I had another appt with Dr. M. Sort of a random one.

I called because I was concerned about being on Cycle Day 48. He also found this to be unacceptable & wanted to "check things out". So I headed in for an ultrasound.

I was secretly staring at the screen as hard as I could hoping to see a little baby hiding in there but no luck.

What we did see was the remnants of a very large cyst that had ruptured. How.did.I.miss.that?!?!?! I mean really.

Turns out last week when I had the "flu" what I actually had was intense pain from the cyst rupturing that caused me to throw up and blame it on the flu. Idiot.

So while I'm currently shocked that I didn't realize earlier what was happening, I think i'm more annoyed at the fact that it happened AGAIN. Stupid PCOS, stupid ovaries that don't work, stupid female parts that make me angry. It's a never ending battle over here. If I go off birth control to try and get pregnant then I get even more cysts. Which in turn throw my cycle off and prevent me from getting pregnant anyway. Stupid vicious cycle.

So today I'm praying for ovaries that will work correctly, cysts that will not form, and healing on my lady parts.

Back to the Grind

It's Monday and that means back to work. It was nice to have 4 days off but it seems like I was only gone for about 4 seconds. Oh well, I guess I should be thankful to even have a job as some are not so lucky.

Thanksgiving was nice. Definitely strange this year. 2 grandparents were missing and also my mom (who I was so sweet to share my Flu with). All things take time to adjust but it just didn't FEEL like Thanksgiving. It still doesn't even now. All the Christmas decorations are up and we've been watching Christmas movies for weeks. The countdown thing in the corner of the TV says 27 days til Christmas. I don't believe it.

Time seems to be at a standstill with each day dragging on and on and on but then I look up and I've missed entire weeks at a time that I don't remember happening. Very strange indeed.

I'm also getting highly annoyed with my cycle.
I've been doing very well with at least getting a cycle each and every month. Almost always between 29-34 days, which for me is incredibly normal! Since before surgery in Jan it had been somewhere between 28-65 or not at all... so here I sit currently on Cycle Day 45. Forty-Five!! How on earth did this happen?!?!

At first I was excited, thinking that miraculously I had ovulated and was FINALLY pregnant. I patiently waited and waited and grew more and more excited everyday. Finally I broke down and bought a test fully expecting it to finally be positive. BFN. Waited 2 days and tried again. BFN. Again waited 2 days... again BFN. AGAIN waited 2 days... and AGAIN BFN. So if you are counting that's 4 tests, all negative. Throughout this process, I kept thinking well I'd only be 4 weeks it's too early, ok now I'm still only 5 weeks could be still to early,  and then ok now I would clearly be 6 weeks! WTF!! * I know that some women have trouble with urine tests and some don't ever get a positive at home until they are 6-8 MONTHS along... but it's rare and what are the odds.

 So, Now I'm just annoyed. So here I sit, still late, still feeling sick, and feeling nutso in my head but refusing to buy another test. Feeling like I could be feeling pregnancy symptoms and then feeling like no they are probably just PMS symptoms and then feeling like I'm crazy and not feeling anything at all.... and then I get mad and annoyed and angry all over again, but I refuse to buy another test so I guess we will just not find out we are preggers until delivery.

Also, please pray for my husband. Due to the fact that my hormones are in complete chaos right now and all the other mental/emotional things I am going through... I've not been kind to him. The smallest things he does have sent me right over the cliff between nice/happy wife and want to rip your head off wife in approx. 2 seconds. I'm currently looking for nice/happy wife but in the mean time please pray for him. :)

Ick

What is the one word that you never want to hear the day before Thanksgiving...

FLU.

That's right I've come down with the flu. The hot/then cold, up all night, achey all over, puking my guts out all.night.long flu. I'm not impressed.

It came out of no where. I was fine yesterday and then as the evening progressed I felt worse and worse & then the vomiting started. Yuck!

I'm so upset, I LOVE Thanksgiving. I love all the food, being with family, playing cards & everything and if things don't change it looks like I will miss all of it and be spending the day on the bathroom floor alone. :( :(

I certainly hope it's only a 24-hour bug that will pass as quickly as it came. We shall see.

So for now, ENJOY your Thanksgiving holiday & pray that I will be able to as well.

Tough

Today was Grandma B's funeral. It was tough to say goodbye to another Grandparent so soon. It's been quite the roller coaster of emotions the last couple weeks. We've lost so many Grandparents, friends, relatives that it's hard to believe anymore. We also found out today that my bro-in-law's aunt died around 1:30. They had known it was coming, but certainly doesn't make it any easier.

Thanksgiving is in a couple days. I am so excited! I love getting together with the family and eating and playing cards and just being together... and then on to the Christmas Decorations! :) This year will not be quite as joyful though as it will be our first holiday after the loss of our Grandparents. I'm sure we'll make it through, we will just be extra thankful for the family members that are still with us.

The last couple months have been so busy and so up and down that it doesn't seem like it's even time for the holidays yet. I am in shock that Christmas is in 34 days. Thirty.four.days.?!? How the heck did that happen?

I am thankful that this year is almost over, I look forward to 2012 and hope that we will have joyous occasions to celebrate instead of so many heartbreaks. I for sure hope that 2012 will be the year our first child is born. I've been hoping that for several years but I think I am more determined than ever to make it happen. (I know it's not in my control, but I'd like to think if I work/try harder, I can help things along.)

Right now I think our definite plan is to lose weight/save money for IVF. We are still very open to adoption and would LOVE to grow our family in that direction but right now we just don't have the resources or funds to go through an agency. We are going to keep searching on our own and tell as many people as possible about our plans so they can help us look and hopefully if God decides that is how we will grow our family he will make it happen.

So here is hoping that 2012 will bring us better luck, happiness, and not so much heartbreak. Don't get me wrong we did have a lot of happy reasons to celebrate in 2011 but I think we've had more heartbreak than happiness.

Signs from God

So I'm am kinda sorta a LOT little bit addicted to McDonald's breakfast.

I know that of things to be addicted to this is something very silly.

However I LOVE going there every morning for breakfast. I KNOW that this habit is not helping many aspects of my life. Including the losing weight issue & the being broke issue. But it's just so hard to give up.

Well that has changed....

Last week I went through and got my usual Breakfast Burrito and on my way to work and opened it and there was a huge.black.fly on my burrito wrapped up in the wrapper. *gag* *SUPER GAG* I was running a little late for work (shocker I know!) and so I had no time to turn around and complain so I just tossed it and continued about my life.

Then this morning I thought I'd give them another shot and went through and got a Sausage Egg McMuffin. Getting something different this time should be safe right.... WRONG! I opened it up took a big bite and *crunch* a great big piece of egg shell. *gag again* I nearly puked into the bag while driving!!

So God, I get the point. My love affair with McDonald's breakfast is over. Thank you for helping me down the right road.

Sometimes everyone just needs a little push. :)

A new low...

Yesterday I hit a new low on the crazy train of infertility.

Now I've been known to do some pretty crazy things over the last 7 years but I am pretty sure that this one takes the cake.

So being insane as I am, my period is a week late (again NBD, happens all the time) so naturally I am feeling every. single. pregnancy symptom. imaginable. I mean really... who wouldn't. So being absolutely CONVINCED that this was the time and I was FINALLY PREGNANT I has been begging the hubs to let me buy a test. His answer was no, he was not as convinced. Which of course I blamed on the fact that he couldn't feel the symptoms I was, in reality he's heard this story before... Well my dad called yesterday and said Grandma wasn't doing well and Hospice said it would probably be today or tomorrow. So not wanting my Grandma to pass away without sharing my joy was just unacceptable. So knowing full well that we were both BROKE until pay day on Thursday I went to the local Dollar Tree and got a pregnancy test & paid for it with loose change that I had found in the car. *Ashamed*

Needless to say, the test was negative... as it has been every single month for the last 7 years. You would think that after all the dr appts and all the tests and all the consultations and knowing the chances that we will ever conceive that I would be able to accept it and not get my hopes up all the time and not try and get the hubby to be excited with me and being angry at him for not... but I feel like if I let that sink in I am giving up... and that is something that I am just not ready for.

ps. Grandma B passed away into Heaven around 2:00 am on 11/17/11. It seems so unreal to have lost 2 Grandparents in less than 2 weeks. I mean really, how does that even happen. I am sure it happens all the time but in my life and in my little world it just doesn't.  One thing that I am trying to take out of all this is to remember that I have a lot of my Grandma's genes. I look just like my dad and his side of the family and she is strong. She lived to be 94, was still exercising twice a week at the Y up until about 6 months ago, and she had children well into her 40's. She was strong and I am too, I just need to remind myself of that and remind myself where I come from. I love you Grandma.

Alone.

Right now I'm feeling really alone.

I would like to think that I know that the hubby cares and has feelings about all the Infertility stuff but it breaks my heart that he won't talk to me about them. I know that guys and feelings are different. It can sometimes be easier for us women to express our feelings. Also I come from an extremely emotional family that has never been shy about expressing their feelings at any time. Jerry was raised differently, his family doesn't really talk about emotions very much. They aren't emotional wrecks expressive like we are. I know everyone deals with things differently and in their own way but I just want to know what's going on in his head.

Not knowing forces me to create different scenarios in my head. Is he sad, upset, angry? I don't know, and that makes me sad. On Friday at Dr. M's office he asked how Jerry was doing with everything.... this got me thinking that I really didn't know. I'd like to assume how he's doing but in all honesty I really don't know for sure.

So when I bring it up tonight and ask him exactly how he feels and what he thinks.... I. got. nothing. I got his famous line of "you know how I feel about it" and since I'm not currently a mind reader and he's never been one to offer up any information I would have to beg to differ. I don't know. I WISH I did. So then I am left feeling even more upset and alone.

The infertility journey is tough enough to go through in the first place but then to feel like you are going through the journey alone is even worse...

The last 7 years have been rough (to say the very least). I'm tired, stressed, an emotional wreck most days, have a hard time looking at pregnant people, frustrated, annoyed, angry and just plain sad. I don't know where our journey is going to take us. I don't know when it's going to end. But I hope to one day very soon be holding a small bundle in my arms and thinking 'It was all worth it'.

Waiting

This morning I was reminded to fully trust in God's timing. A couple that I know has been through so much trying to build their family and after several heartbreaks they have had 2 miracles come into their lives through adoption. It may not have been in the exact way they'd planned or in the time they'd planned but it happened.

It reminded me to try and be patient and wait for God to send us a miracle. If it's meant to be he will make it happen. I am just so terrible at the waiting part... but I know that's what I will need to do. Wait, and trust that God knows what he is doing and will bless us with all the children he intends for us to have in our family... we just have to wait.

Pity Party

Today I am having a Pity Party.

I KNOW that I have many things in my life to be thankful for.

I KNOW that Jerry & I are very blessed with a huge, loving family.

BUT today, I don't care... I just want to have a Pity Party.

Life isn't Fair. It never has been and never will be. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen for terrible people. That's not going to change. But just this once, can we get a freaking break!!!

We have decided to back out of the house we were going to rent. It just wasn't the right time, we still have a long way to go to be all caught up and in combination with family members being sick/dying and the holidays approaching, I we weren't ready. So the guy we were going to rent from decided to be a giant a**hole and not give us our full deposit back. He said he was going to pro-rate it for the days he had it off the market, which we were ok with, since we knew it was only 3 days. {Paid deposit on Friday, called Monday to tell him we changed our mind} He however took it upon himself to decide that since we were planning on moving in on the 15th that meant it was 2 weeks! So he kept 1/2 of the money. So now we are both feeling like idiots for essentially throwing $312 in the garbage for absolutely nothing!! GRRRR... I feel like we are always getting taking advantage of when we always try and be honest. I've waited for 25 mins once trying to get the attention of the person who rang us up to let them know they gave us $10 too much money back.... and yet I feel like these good deeds always go unnoticed. But people that lie/scam the system are always getting things for free and having stuff handed to them! Again GRRR...

I'm also very annoyed that one of the hubby's cousins is pregnant AGAIN with her 4th child. I know people are probably thinking "wow, what a crab!" but I think you should know that she does not have custody of her 1st child, does not have a job, does not have a car and is barely able to care for the other 2 children already in her care and yet she's having ANOTHER ONE. Life isn't fair. How is it possible that she can get pregnant with 4 children in the time we've been trying for 1. ****UPDATE**** I am quite possibly the WORST person in the world right now. I was completely emotional/hormonal/upset and just plain rude when complaining about his cousin and now I feel terribly guilty and like the worst possible person in the world because his cousin lost her baby yesterday. I. Am. A. Terrible. Person.

I know everyone says it will happen when God thinks you're ready but really... you mean to tell me God thinks she needs another child and we aren't ready. I find that very hard to believe. I know that also makes me a terrible person for questioning God's reasoning but I am at the point where if my life were a movie I would be standing outside shouting "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!" at the skies for all to hear.

Sometimes life just isn't fair. My brain knows that but my heart is having a hard time understanding it.

$10,000!?!?!?

Anyone have a spare $10,000 laying around they would like to give me?!?! Nobody huh... shucks!!

I guess 11/11/11 wasn't really as lucky as I had hoped it would be. Dr. M said that we CAN go ahead with IUI however he feels the chances of it working are pretty much nil. He said normally a woman doing IUI has approximately a 20% chance of becoming pregnant each month she does IUI. MY chances are only 10% max if I do the IUI every. single. month. for the next year. That averages out to less than 1% chance each month. He said while it IS possible, it's just not likely given the fact that my ovaries are stubborn and selfish and make tons of eggs but refuse to actually release any!

So he said he still is thinking that IVF is going to be by far our best option but there is just one problem standing in our way... it comes in the form of $10,000! IVF is just SO EXPENSIVE and has to be paid upfront. I know that there are financing options and grants and loans and such things but since we are currently $30,000 in debt with medical bills mostly from failed fertility treatments we aren't really in a position to get a loan at this present time.

So I guess we wait. Wait until we can either save up enough money, get different insurance, or win the lottery. Waiting sucks!! I've always been terrible at it. The two week wait period normally has me a complete wreck because I am impatient and anxious and make up symptoms in my head because I want to badly to feel them that I end up making myself crazy. So stay tuned to find out how well I handle the wait, because I am guessing it'll be a long one!

Praying...

Today I'm wishing/hoping/praying for some good news. It seems like everyday gets worse and worse and we get nothing but bad news over and over again. Jerry and I could really use some good news. It's very overwhelming so I'm hoping that tomorrow on 11/11/11 the number 11 really will be lucky and we will finally catch a break.  I just keep reminding myself, there is always tomorrow.... however if tomorrow is anything like the last couple days have been I might be spending the weekend hiding under the covers!!

Random Thoughts

Grandpa D passed away Saturday, 11/5/11 at 9:00 p.m. I am sad to say the least but happy that he is no longer in pain & that he passed peacefully into Heaven with the whole family surrounding his bed. The funeral is going to be on Wednesday which also happens to be his 75th birthday. :(

Last night I was having a rough time sleeping (hubby is sick & was snoring like a bear!) so I started watching Friends re-runs on Nick @ Nite. It was the episode that Monica & Chandler's babies are born. Needless to say I. Was. A. WRECK. I know I'm sort of overly emotional right now with everything that is going on & usually any TV show that involves babies is enough to get me in tears but them adopting and ending up with *surprise* twins just had me a wreck. I have always felt like I would have twins & while pursing the fertility treatment road that was a very real possibility but not very often does that happen with adoption. (At least I don't think it does, haven't heard of any cases.) I just think how lucky that would be to happen! I know it's just a TV show and they can do whatever they want to get ratings but I was sure excited about the outcome.

As much as Jerry & I want to have our own biological child, I think we are just more interested in being parents regardless of how the children come into the world. We've talked about adopting embryos', adopting infants, adopting older children, domestic adoption, international adoption all the while still discussing IUI, IVF and other fertility treatments. It's a TOUGH decision to make. And I feel like after reading the information on each topic I'm just more confused instead of closer to a decision. So I am hoping that soon we'll find peace with a decision and regardless of the outcome please know that whatever decision we make has not been an easy one. I just wish that it wasn't so hard for us. People get pregnant/adopt every day but for us either one of those things seem like forever away. Everything is just hard.

Waiting...

Mumbled Jumbled mix of emotions.... that's exactly how I feel. I am sad as we continue to wait for Grandpa to be called up to heaven. Doctors are doing the best they can to keep him as comfortable as they can. It's just very hard to sit there and watch him knowing we are completely helpless and that every breath he struggles to take could be his last. I've never been very good at waiting.

I also feel guilty that we have not been over to see Grandma B since we've been at the hospital every night. I've been texting my Aunt for updates but it's still not the same as being there. They say she is hanging in there, just very, very tired. Again, not good with the waiting.

I also feel guilty that since we've been at the hospital all the time my other Grandma who is living with us has been alone. She still needs care and I feel guilty we can't be there.

All this combined with still feeling crampy/sick/dizzy and such things that normally accompany my 3rd week of my cycle & being just generally emotional I feel like I could lose it at possibly any second.

I should feel excited that we get to sign the lease on our house tonight. I should feel happy that I see Dr. M next week for our IUI consultation to get all the meds/appts set up to get back on the road of baby-making after taking 2 years off. I should feel ready to start out on our own again and hopefully with a baby on the way but instead I just feel sad, worried & guilty.

It's hard to balance all the feelings/emotions at once. So for now we just wait, which I've never been very good at.

One of those days...

Today is just one of those days. A day where I am irritated by EVERYTHING!!

Truth is - I have about a million & one things going on in my head right now so I'm sure that's why I am so on edge but who knows. All I do know is that the next person to pull out in front of me and then stop or slow down or just in general be in the way very well might find themselves rear-ended!!

In other news... We have finally found a house!! We can move in anytime after the 15th & we are SO EXCITED! It is going to be so great to have our own space again. I am a little nervous about all the work that will be going on with moving, unpacking, organizing, and getting everything switched all over which is going to conveniently obviously fall smack dab in the middle of my cycle in which we are going to be doing IUI. That's just the sort of luck we have. So I'll be doing my best to stay calm, relaxed, and rested as much as possible.

In other, other news... 2 of my Grandparents are not doing well. Last week Grandma B was sent home from the hospital with Hospice Care due to Congestive Heart Failure. She is 94 & from the sounds of it won't be around too much longer. It's pretty much day to day at this point. She has good days and bad. Also, Sunday night my Grandpa D was taken to the hospital with a high fever after being on 2 different antibiotics and sick for a week. After several tests it turns out he has Leukemia. Doctors were optimistic at first saying depending on the type and stage he might have a chance to fight it, IF they could get him stronger. Well since then he's taken a turn for the worse and doctors (while still waiting for official test results) are now saying they think the cancer has already spread pretty far & he may be in the final stages. I am not ready to lose even one grandparent, let alone two possibly at the same time. It's been a rough week to say the least, combined with the fact that I'm currently in week 3 of my cycle and that's always when I feel the worst.

Please pray for both of my Grandparents & also that Jerry & I have a smooth transition into our new home where we will hopefully being hearing the pitter patter of little feet very soon.

Halloween

Today is Halloween. I HATE Halloween. I just don't see the point in it all.  Don't get me wrong I think the small kids in the ADORABLE costumes are just great! But the slightly older kids in the creepy/scary costumes & the pranks & the trying to scare people... no. thank. you! I am NOT A FAN of scary things at all. AT. ALL. Terrified in fact of things that most children think are great. So the time of year when every TV show and every movie they play on TV are all about Halloween and being scary/creepy/crawly... just not my thing. I think I'll go home tonight and hide out from all the creepy critters & be thankful that Halloween is almost over!

27

Today is my birthday & I am 27 years old!! That seems so crazy to me. I remember dreading turning 25 (I through a legit fit for about 3 months beforehand) and suddenly I'm turning 27 and thinking what in the world happened to 25 & 26?!?!?! It's crazy how quickly life flies by in what seems like an instant.

I remember growing up thinking that I would get married at 22 and have babies at 23, 25 & 26 and be living a perfect little life with my family by 27. I guess it's true if you want to hear God laugh, just tell him your plans. Instead I got married at 19 & sit here at 27, $30,000 in debt from failed fertility treatments & still TRYING to get pregnant with our first child! Never in a million years did I expect to even have to TRY. They tell you in health class in 5th grade that if you don't use protection even ONE TIME you WILL BE PREGNANT! They drill that into students right from the beginning, which is all fine and well since some people do work like that. I however am not one of them.

We stopped using birth control 6 months after we were married and expected to be pregnant immediately. Needless to say we were completely shocked when nothing happened and nothing continued to happen for the next 6.5 years!! That's something they sure don't cover in Health Class. Before our own struggles I myself had never even heard of infertility. I thought you want a baby, no protection and boom you have a baby. Boy did I have a lot to learn.... I had never heard of IUI, IVF, ART nor if I had seen them somewhere would I have even the slightest clue what they meant. I'm not happy that I do but I know that when we do finally become parents I will think it was all worth it. I sure hope that is the case anyway. I do know that God has plans for all of us and I can now appreciate that he knew it was best for us not to get pregnant right away after we got married.... we were only 20 years old, what did we know about raising babies! lol But I hope that now that we are 27 he will decide the time is right.

I am hoping/praying/wishing with all my might that this will be the last birthday I celebrate without being a mommy. I want my husband to buy me cheesy birthday cards & sign them from the kids, or make birthday cards & say they signed it. I just want to be a mommy & be able to make my husband a daddy & that would by far be the best present I could imagine.

Lucky # 11

I meet with the baby doctor on 11/11/11 @ 11 a.m. This appointment is to get all the dates, medications in order as we pursue another round of IUI. I'm beyond excited to say the least! I am truly hoping that the Lucky #11 will certainly be lucky for us & we will finally see our dreams come true!

Alone

Today I'm feeling very alone. My mom & my sisters are my best friends. We talk about everything & anything. However, infertility is no longer something we talk about. They basically think that infertility isn't a "real disease". They think that it's just something that I'm making up and making excuses for the fact that I have gained alot of weight (from the fertility treatments) and now cannot seem to lose it. They also think if I would just buckle down, lose the weight and RELAX that we would be pregnant in no time. It's very hard for me to feel like no one in my family has my back during this journey. I know they would be there for me in a minute if anything else happend but for this..... nothing. It's so hard to have to go through all this with no one to talk to about it. I gave up talking to them long ago because their comments while they felt were well intentioned were just so hurtful that I decided it was for the best not to bring it up & they don't ask.

The one person who I have thought was "on my team" the whole time was my hubby. He's been there for doctor appts, to give me shots, to hold my hand through procedures & tests, to hold me as I cry myself to sleep when those procedures didn't work & I thought it was because he was as involved as I was. That was until this weekend. He had made the comment about how he thinks we would both be so much better off if we would just re.... I stopped him before he could finish that sentence. How on earth could someone who has stood by me for the last 7 years actually believe that if we just "RELAX" it will happen. I was completely shocked to say the least.

Now I know he wants children just as much as I do & he will continue to do all the things mentioned above to be there for me but I feel like all of a sudden I'm completely alone in this journey emotionally. All he knows is we don't have children & we want them more than anything. He doesn't know why, doesn't pay attention to how long it's been that we've been trying, doesn't know the name of the procedures & tests we have had done, just that his wife has been a complete crazy person since we've been married doing anything and everything to try and get pregnant. And maybe it's just because the male & female brains work differently with details but I expected him to "know the details" and the fact that he doesn't really hurts alot more than I expected it to.

I know that he will always be on my team and by my side, I just wish he would pay more attention to the details & be as involved as I am.

Stuck

Jerry & I have been going back and forth over and over and over again about whether we should pursue adoption or IVF. We had thought we'd decided to for sure go with adoption but then as we meet with agencies we get so overwhelmed with the entire process that we second guess ourselves & lean more towards IVF. I think the biggest thing that scares the daylights out of us with adoption is the waiting for the adoption to be legally finalized. In the state of IL there is a 6 month waiting period until the adoption is finalized. We have been waiting SO LONG to be parents and we are terrified that we would not be able to fully enjoy being parents for the first 6 months because of having to wait for 6 months for the baby to be "officially ours".

I think the reason this is such a hard thing for us is because we had an adoption agreement fall through. Jerry's cousin was 14 & pregnant and was planning on giving the baby up for adoption. We had talked to her several times and we under the impression things were right on track. Approximately 3 months before she delivered we were informed that she was choosing another family. Needless to say we were crushed. The real kicker is that the "new family" had chosen the exact same name for him that we had (and no we had not shared the name with anyone!). It is very heart-breaking for us to hear how he's doing and knowing that we were SO close and yet so far away at the same time. I think that situation is playing a big part in why we are hesitant about adoption and nervous for the "waiting period".

Things can change in an instant & we know that and we also know that IVF is not by any means guaranteed. It does however come with the knowledge of no waiting period. From the minute of conception the baby is all ours and no waiting for anyone else to make up or change their mind, no hoops to jump through for the courts, just simply ours. And that point is something very hard to ignore. So I guess at this point we are still just stuck.

Yesterday

Yesterday was our 7th Wedding Anniversary! It's so strange to think that we have already been married for 7 years. I remember when we were about to get married and there were so many negative people saying that it wouldn't last & that we would be divorced in two years tops and it makes me laugh honestly. I know people were skeptical because we'd only been dating for 6 months when we got married & only had a 2 week engagement at that but when you know, you just know. And so I am very happy that we have the chance to prove everyone wrong and know that we are still in love and still happy to be married to each other 7 years later. Hopefully the next 7 years won't fly by quite as quickly and hopefully they will bring us many blessings in the form of children to complete our family. :)

Overwhelmed

I had a phone consultation with an adoption agency this morning. WHEW! Talk about overwhelming. There is SO MUCH STUFF that goes along with adoption... we had no idea. All of this is leaving me feeling very overwhelmed, which is bringing me down in the dumps with the "Why me's?". It's just so hard for me to understand WHY we are having such a rough road to parenthood. Everyone makes it look so easy, classes is school tell you it happens if you don't use protection even one time so why are we sitting here 6 & 1/2 years later with not using protection and nothing. Infertility really should have been included in the sex education class. I think it also makes it harder that no one else in my family has to deal with any of this so I feel like I'm on an island all alone while everyone else around me keeps having babies. It's a terrible feeling and just when I thought we had come to terms with the Infertility Stuff and were done with that road and going to pursue adoption now I'm not so sure. It's strange just 2 days ago adoption seemed like the answer to our prayers, the light at the end of the tunnel and now it seems like the tunnel is growing by the second and has more twists & turns that we are ready for. Right now I guess we are still stuck at the fork in the road unsure which way to turn.

Step One

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you can't see the whole staircase."

This is my feelings exactly today. Jerry & I have decided that we are going to pursue adoption. We aren't exactly sure how everything is going to come together but we have faith that it will. So we will consider today, step one. I am going to be busy trying to gather all the information I can about where to go from here. But fingers crossed & lots of prayers that God will bless us with a baby very soon.

A New Day

Yesterday I was a wreck! I was SOOO Upset about the dr office visit that I couldn't seem to do or think about anything else. Last night the hubby was great, he let me relax, take a hot bath, and just be alone in the peace & quiet while he did the cooking, cleaning, house projects and I'm happy to say that after some much needed extra rest I'm better today. I woke up to beautiful fall weather, sunshine & it's FRIDAY!! Of course I'm still sad, of course I wish the results had shown differently but the fact is I AM STILL late, I AM STILL sick, and tired, and dizzy and moody and there STILL COULD be a baby in there and being upset & stressed is only making a toxic environment for it. So until AF actually shows up, I am going to just continue on and keep taking one day at a time.

Annoyed...

Today has been a rough day for me. I'm currently 5 days late so I headed in to the Dr. office for a test, guess what.... BFN! How can this possibly be. I'm exhausted, I'm sick, I'm dizzy, I'm moody and late and STILL Negative... I did however manage to make it all the way to car this time before bawling my eyes out. I just get so frustrated that getting pregnant is so easy for all these people and then for us it's just not. Why?! I seem to ask that quite a lot, even though I never get an answer. I guess it's true sometimes life just isn't fair.