Head is Spinning

A couple weeks ago hubby and I decided that we were not going to move to Colorado right now. We wanted to adopt and didn't think it would be fair to be going through the adoption process while planning a move cross country. So we decided to stay here and move forward with adoption. So we contacted an agency and were all set or so we thought.

That is, we were all set until I started having second thoughts. I'm a very insecure person and I started thinking what if no one picks us, what if they don't think we are good enough. I hated the idea of having to prove ourselves to be capable parents when no one else has to. They just have sex, make a baby and no questions are asked. It's not fair and it's hard to deal with. So we started thinking that maybe we should concentrate solely on IVF and go that route, then a baby would be ours and only ours and we don't have to prove anything to anyone.

 So we started to go for both by contacting the agency and setting up a consultation with the Fertility Center of Illinois. So we prayed, and prayed, and prayed again and again for God to send us a sign about which path to choose. Well the agency I contacted sent me a very generic email stating our informational packet and application were on the way. We never got it. So I emailed them to see what happened and the director said she wasn't sure why we had never got it but she would send it again (which we still haven't gotten & its been 3 weeks) but informed us that for the Domestic Infant Adoption Program there was a pretty lengthy waiting list. Not ten mins later we got a phone call that our IVF clinic had a cancellation and could actually get us in the next day instead of two weeks from them.

So I'm not very good at reading signs but I figured that one seemed pretty loud and clear. So here we are waiting for the IVF nurse to call with the timeline, treatment plan and when we start. Hopefully everything will go quickly and we'll be pregnant in no time! Please pray!! :)

ps. We are still very open to adoption and would love to grow our family through that way. Right now I'm just scared and insecure about the whole process.

Decisions

I am terrible at making decisions.  Mostly because I can't just make a decision for myself and stick with it but rather think I need to make a decision that will keep everyone around me happy regardless of what I really want. I've always been that way. Wanting to please everyone and keep people from arguing or being mad at me.

The decision on the table is about moving to Colorado. My best friend lives there and we've been out to visit several times. WE LOVE IT THERE!! It's absolutely breath-taking beautiful there. Not to mention the fact that my best friend and her husband are there. :) Seems like a no-brainer right. EXCEPT....

The problem that's keeping us from moving is our nephews. We don't have any children and most likely will not have any children. Not unless a miracle finds it's way to us. So our nephews have become like our children. We currently see them nearly everyday, we've been to every birthday party, sporting event, practice event and have been in attendance for all of their births. I don't want to miss out on their great hugs and excited eyes when they tell me stories or see me walk in the door. My sisters keep telling me that us moving doesn't mean that we are out of the family or will never see them again and I know that but it's going to be different and I'm not sure I'm ready to adjust. Plus my sisters and my mom are my best friends. We talk every single day and tell each other everything. So I don't want to feel left out of the loop because it's different telling someone in the same town everything and telling someone across country everything.

The pros for us are great. We love it there, we don't own a home or have fantastic jobs that are holding us here, we are ready for a new start. Every time we consider moving the only thing that comes up that we can't move past is leaving the boys behind.

Decisions, Decisions... not sure what to do.