wow.

Today I had another appt with Dr. M. Sort of a random one.

I called because I was concerned about being on Cycle Day 48. He also found this to be unacceptable & wanted to "check things out". So I headed in for an ultrasound.

I was secretly staring at the screen as hard as I could hoping to see a little baby hiding in there but no luck.

What we did see was the remnants of a very large cyst that had ruptured. How.did.I.miss.that?!?!?! I mean really.

Turns out last week when I had the "flu" what I actually had was intense pain from the cyst rupturing that caused me to throw up and blame it on the flu. Idiot.

So while I'm currently shocked that I didn't realize earlier what was happening, I think i'm more annoyed at the fact that it happened AGAIN. Stupid PCOS, stupid ovaries that don't work, stupid female parts that make me angry. It's a never ending battle over here. If I go off birth control to try and get pregnant then I get even more cysts. Which in turn throw my cycle off and prevent me from getting pregnant anyway. Stupid vicious cycle.

So today I'm praying for ovaries that will work correctly, cysts that will not form, and healing on my lady parts.

Back to the Grind

It's Monday and that means back to work. It was nice to have 4 days off but it seems like I was only gone for about 4 seconds. Oh well, I guess I should be thankful to even have a job as some are not so lucky.

Thanksgiving was nice. Definitely strange this year. 2 grandparents were missing and also my mom (who I was so sweet to share my Flu with). All things take time to adjust but it just didn't FEEL like Thanksgiving. It still doesn't even now. All the Christmas decorations are up and we've been watching Christmas movies for weeks. The countdown thing in the corner of the TV says 27 days til Christmas. I don't believe it.

Time seems to be at a standstill with each day dragging on and on and on but then I look up and I've missed entire weeks at a time that I don't remember happening. Very strange indeed.

I'm also getting highly annoyed with my cycle.
I've been doing very well with at least getting a cycle each and every month. Almost always between 29-34 days, which for me is incredibly normal! Since before surgery in Jan it had been somewhere between 28-65 or not at all... so here I sit currently on Cycle Day 45. Forty-Five!! How on earth did this happen?!?!

At first I was excited, thinking that miraculously I had ovulated and was FINALLY pregnant. I patiently waited and waited and grew more and more excited everyday. Finally I broke down and bought a test fully expecting it to finally be positive. BFN. Waited 2 days and tried again. BFN. Again waited 2 days... again BFN. AGAIN waited 2 days... and AGAIN BFN. So if you are counting that's 4 tests, all negative. Throughout this process, I kept thinking well I'd only be 4 weeks it's too early, ok now I'm still only 5 weeks could be still to early,  and then ok now I would clearly be 6 weeks! WTF!! * I know that some women have trouble with urine tests and some don't ever get a positive at home until they are 6-8 MONTHS along... but it's rare and what are the odds.

 So, Now I'm just annoyed. So here I sit, still late, still feeling sick, and feeling nutso in my head but refusing to buy another test. Feeling like I could be feeling pregnancy symptoms and then feeling like no they are probably just PMS symptoms and then feeling like I'm crazy and not feeling anything at all.... and then I get mad and annoyed and angry all over again, but I refuse to buy another test so I guess we will just not find out we are preggers until delivery.

Also, please pray for my husband. Due to the fact that my hormones are in complete chaos right now and all the other mental/emotional things I am going through... I've not been kind to him. The smallest things he does have sent me right over the cliff between nice/happy wife and want to rip your head off wife in approx. 2 seconds. I'm currently looking for nice/happy wife but in the mean time please pray for him. :)

Ick

What is the one word that you never want to hear the day before Thanksgiving...

FLU.

That's right I've come down with the flu. The hot/then cold, up all night, achey all over, puking my guts out all.night.long flu. I'm not impressed.

It came out of no where. I was fine yesterday and then as the evening progressed I felt worse and worse & then the vomiting started. Yuck!

I'm so upset, I LOVE Thanksgiving. I love all the food, being with family, playing cards & everything and if things don't change it looks like I will miss all of it and be spending the day on the bathroom floor alone. :( :(

I certainly hope it's only a 24-hour bug that will pass as quickly as it came. We shall see.

So for now, ENJOY your Thanksgiving holiday & pray that I will be able to as well.

Tough

Today was Grandma B's funeral. It was tough to say goodbye to another Grandparent so soon. It's been quite the roller coaster of emotions the last couple weeks. We've lost so many Grandparents, friends, relatives that it's hard to believe anymore. We also found out today that my bro-in-law's aunt died around 1:30. They had known it was coming, but certainly doesn't make it any easier.

Thanksgiving is in a couple days. I am so excited! I love getting together with the family and eating and playing cards and just being together... and then on to the Christmas Decorations! :) This year will not be quite as joyful though as it will be our first holiday after the loss of our Grandparents. I'm sure we'll make it through, we will just be extra thankful for the family members that are still with us.

The last couple months have been so busy and so up and down that it doesn't seem like it's even time for the holidays yet. I am in shock that Christmas is in 34 days. Thirty.four.days.?!? How the heck did that happen?

I am thankful that this year is almost over, I look forward to 2012 and hope that we will have joyous occasions to celebrate instead of so many heartbreaks. I for sure hope that 2012 will be the year our first child is born. I've been hoping that for several years but I think I am more determined than ever to make it happen. (I know it's not in my control, but I'd like to think if I work/try harder, I can help things along.)

Right now I think our definite plan is to lose weight/save money for IVF. We are still very open to adoption and would LOVE to grow our family in that direction but right now we just don't have the resources or funds to go through an agency. We are going to keep searching on our own and tell as many people as possible about our plans so they can help us look and hopefully if God decides that is how we will grow our family he will make it happen.

So here is hoping that 2012 will bring us better luck, happiness, and not so much heartbreak. Don't get me wrong we did have a lot of happy reasons to celebrate in 2011 but I think we've had more heartbreak than happiness.

Signs from God

So I'm am kinda sorta a LOT little bit addicted to McDonald's breakfast.

I know that of things to be addicted to this is something very silly.

However I LOVE going there every morning for breakfast. I KNOW that this habit is not helping many aspects of my life. Including the losing weight issue & the being broke issue. But it's just so hard to give up.

Well that has changed....

Last week I went through and got my usual Breakfast Burrito and on my way to work and opened it and there was a huge.black.fly on my burrito wrapped up in the wrapper. *gag* *SUPER GAG* I was running a little late for work (shocker I know!) and so I had no time to turn around and complain so I just tossed it and continued about my life.

Then this morning I thought I'd give them another shot and went through and got a Sausage Egg McMuffin. Getting something different this time should be safe right.... WRONG! I opened it up took a big bite and *crunch* a great big piece of egg shell. *gag again* I nearly puked into the bag while driving!!

So God, I get the point. My love affair with McDonald's breakfast is over. Thank you for helping me down the right road.

Sometimes everyone just needs a little push. :)

A new low...

Yesterday I hit a new low on the crazy train of infertility.

Now I've been known to do some pretty crazy things over the last 7 years but I am pretty sure that this one takes the cake.

So being insane as I am, my period is a week late (again NBD, happens all the time) so naturally I am feeling every. single. pregnancy symptom. imaginable. I mean really... who wouldn't. So being absolutely CONVINCED that this was the time and I was FINALLY PREGNANT I has been begging the hubs to let me buy a test. His answer was no, he was not as convinced. Which of course I blamed on the fact that he couldn't feel the symptoms I was, in reality he's heard this story before... Well my dad called yesterday and said Grandma wasn't doing well and Hospice said it would probably be today or tomorrow. So not wanting my Grandma to pass away without sharing my joy was just unacceptable. So knowing full well that we were both BROKE until pay day on Thursday I went to the local Dollar Tree and got a pregnancy test & paid for it with loose change that I had found in the car. *Ashamed*

Needless to say, the test was negative... as it has been every single month for the last 7 years. You would think that after all the dr appts and all the tests and all the consultations and knowing the chances that we will ever conceive that I would be able to accept it and not get my hopes up all the time and not try and get the hubby to be excited with me and being angry at him for not... but I feel like if I let that sink in I am giving up... and that is something that I am just not ready for.

ps. Grandma B passed away into Heaven around 2:00 am on 11/17/11. It seems so unreal to have lost 2 Grandparents in less than 2 weeks. I mean really, how does that even happen. I am sure it happens all the time but in my life and in my little world it just doesn't.  One thing that I am trying to take out of all this is to remember that I have a lot of my Grandma's genes. I look just like my dad and his side of the family and she is strong. She lived to be 94, was still exercising twice a week at the Y up until about 6 months ago, and she had children well into her 40's. She was strong and I am too, I just need to remind myself of that and remind myself where I come from. I love you Grandma.

Alone.

Right now I'm feeling really alone.

I would like to think that I know that the hubby cares and has feelings about all the Infertility stuff but it breaks my heart that he won't talk to me about them. I know that guys and feelings are different. It can sometimes be easier for us women to express our feelings. Also I come from an extremely emotional family that has never been shy about expressing their feelings at any time. Jerry was raised differently, his family doesn't really talk about emotions very much. They aren't emotional wrecks expressive like we are. I know everyone deals with things differently and in their own way but I just want to know what's going on in his head.

Not knowing forces me to create different scenarios in my head. Is he sad, upset, angry? I don't know, and that makes me sad. On Friday at Dr. M's office he asked how Jerry was doing with everything.... this got me thinking that I really didn't know. I'd like to assume how he's doing but in all honesty I really don't know for sure.

So when I bring it up tonight and ask him exactly how he feels and what he thinks.... I. got. nothing. I got his famous line of "you know how I feel about it" and since I'm not currently a mind reader and he's never been one to offer up any information I would have to beg to differ. I don't know. I WISH I did. So then I am left feeling even more upset and alone.

The infertility journey is tough enough to go through in the first place but then to feel like you are going through the journey alone is even worse...

The last 7 years have been rough (to say the very least). I'm tired, stressed, an emotional wreck most days, have a hard time looking at pregnant people, frustrated, annoyed, angry and just plain sad. I don't know where our journey is going to take us. I don't know when it's going to end. But I hope to one day very soon be holding a small bundle in my arms and thinking 'It was all worth it'.

Waiting

This morning I was reminded to fully trust in God's timing. A couple that I know has been through so much trying to build their family and after several heartbreaks they have had 2 miracles come into their lives through adoption. It may not have been in the exact way they'd planned or in the time they'd planned but it happened.

It reminded me to try and be patient and wait for God to send us a miracle. If it's meant to be he will make it happen. I am just so terrible at the waiting part... but I know that's what I will need to do. Wait, and trust that God knows what he is doing and will bless us with all the children he intends for us to have in our family... we just have to wait.

Pity Party

Today I am having a Pity Party.

I KNOW that I have many things in my life to be thankful for.

I KNOW that Jerry & I are very blessed with a huge, loving family.

BUT today, I don't care... I just want to have a Pity Party.

Life isn't Fair. It never has been and never will be. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen for terrible people. That's not going to change. But just this once, can we get a freaking break!!!

We have decided to back out of the house we were going to rent. It just wasn't the right time, we still have a long way to go to be all caught up and in combination with family members being sick/dying and the holidays approaching, I we weren't ready. So the guy we were going to rent from decided to be a giant a**hole and not give us our full deposit back. He said he was going to pro-rate it for the days he had it off the market, which we were ok with, since we knew it was only 3 days. {Paid deposit on Friday, called Monday to tell him we changed our mind} He however took it upon himself to decide that since we were planning on moving in on the 15th that meant it was 2 weeks! So he kept 1/2 of the money. So now we are both feeling like idiots for essentially throwing $312 in the garbage for absolutely nothing!! GRRRR... I feel like we are always getting taking advantage of when we always try and be honest. I've waited for 25 mins once trying to get the attention of the person who rang us up to let them know they gave us $10 too much money back.... and yet I feel like these good deeds always go unnoticed. But people that lie/scam the system are always getting things for free and having stuff handed to them! Again GRRR...

I'm also very annoyed that one of the hubby's cousins is pregnant AGAIN with her 4th child. I know people are probably thinking "wow, what a crab!" but I think you should know that she does not have custody of her 1st child, does not have a job, does not have a car and is barely able to care for the other 2 children already in her care and yet she's having ANOTHER ONE. Life isn't fair. How is it possible that she can get pregnant with 4 children in the time we've been trying for 1. ****UPDATE**** I am quite possibly the WORST person in the world right now. I was completely emotional/hormonal/upset and just plain rude when complaining about his cousin and now I feel terribly guilty and like the worst possible person in the world because his cousin lost her baby yesterday. I. Am. A. Terrible. Person.

I know everyone says it will happen when God thinks you're ready but really... you mean to tell me God thinks she needs another child and we aren't ready. I find that very hard to believe. I know that also makes me a terrible person for questioning God's reasoning but I am at the point where if my life were a movie I would be standing outside shouting "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!" at the skies for all to hear.

Sometimes life just isn't fair. My brain knows that but my heart is having a hard time understanding it.

$10,000!?!?!?

Anyone have a spare $10,000 laying around they would like to give me?!?! Nobody huh... shucks!!

I guess 11/11/11 wasn't really as lucky as I had hoped it would be. Dr. M said that we CAN go ahead with IUI however he feels the chances of it working are pretty much nil. He said normally a woman doing IUI has approximately a 20% chance of becoming pregnant each month she does IUI. MY chances are only 10% max if I do the IUI every. single. month. for the next year. That averages out to less than 1% chance each month. He said while it IS possible, it's just not likely given the fact that my ovaries are stubborn and selfish and make tons of eggs but refuse to actually release any!

So he said he still is thinking that IVF is going to be by far our best option but there is just one problem standing in our way... it comes in the form of $10,000! IVF is just SO EXPENSIVE and has to be paid upfront. I know that there are financing options and grants and loans and such things but since we are currently $30,000 in debt with medical bills mostly from failed fertility treatments we aren't really in a position to get a loan at this present time.

So I guess we wait. Wait until we can either save up enough money, get different insurance, or win the lottery. Waiting sucks!! I've always been terrible at it. The two week wait period normally has me a complete wreck because I am impatient and anxious and make up symptoms in my head because I want to badly to feel them that I end up making myself crazy. So stay tuned to find out how well I handle the wait, because I am guessing it'll be a long one!

Praying...

Today I'm wishing/hoping/praying for some good news. It seems like everyday gets worse and worse and we get nothing but bad news over and over again. Jerry and I could really use some good news. It's very overwhelming so I'm hoping that tomorrow on 11/11/11 the number 11 really will be lucky and we will finally catch a break.  I just keep reminding myself, there is always tomorrow.... however if tomorrow is anything like the last couple days have been I might be spending the weekend hiding under the covers!!

Random Thoughts

Grandpa D passed away Saturday, 11/5/11 at 9:00 p.m. I am sad to say the least but happy that he is no longer in pain & that he passed peacefully into Heaven with the whole family surrounding his bed. The funeral is going to be on Wednesday which also happens to be his 75th birthday. :(

Last night I was having a rough time sleeping (hubby is sick & was snoring like a bear!) so I started watching Friends re-runs on Nick @ Nite. It was the episode that Monica & Chandler's babies are born. Needless to say I. Was. A. WRECK. I know I'm sort of overly emotional right now with everything that is going on & usually any TV show that involves babies is enough to get me in tears but them adopting and ending up with *surprise* twins just had me a wreck. I have always felt like I would have twins & while pursing the fertility treatment road that was a very real possibility but not very often does that happen with adoption. (At least I don't think it does, haven't heard of any cases.) I just think how lucky that would be to happen! I know it's just a TV show and they can do whatever they want to get ratings but I was sure excited about the outcome.

As much as Jerry & I want to have our own biological child, I think we are just more interested in being parents regardless of how the children come into the world. We've talked about adopting embryos', adopting infants, adopting older children, domestic adoption, international adoption all the while still discussing IUI, IVF and other fertility treatments. It's a TOUGH decision to make. And I feel like after reading the information on each topic I'm just more confused instead of closer to a decision. So I am hoping that soon we'll find peace with a decision and regardless of the outcome please know that whatever decision we make has not been an easy one. I just wish that it wasn't so hard for us. People get pregnant/adopt every day but for us either one of those things seem like forever away. Everything is just hard.

Waiting...

Mumbled Jumbled mix of emotions.... that's exactly how I feel. I am sad as we continue to wait for Grandpa to be called up to heaven. Doctors are doing the best they can to keep him as comfortable as they can. It's just very hard to sit there and watch him knowing we are completely helpless and that every breath he struggles to take could be his last. I've never been very good at waiting.

I also feel guilty that we have not been over to see Grandma B since we've been at the hospital every night. I've been texting my Aunt for updates but it's still not the same as being there. They say she is hanging in there, just very, very tired. Again, not good with the waiting.

I also feel guilty that since we've been at the hospital all the time my other Grandma who is living with us has been alone. She still needs care and I feel guilty we can't be there.

All this combined with still feeling crampy/sick/dizzy and such things that normally accompany my 3rd week of my cycle & being just generally emotional I feel like I could lose it at possibly any second.

I should feel excited that we get to sign the lease on our house tonight. I should feel happy that I see Dr. M next week for our IUI consultation to get all the meds/appts set up to get back on the road of baby-making after taking 2 years off. I should feel ready to start out on our own again and hopefully with a baby on the way but instead I just feel sad, worried & guilty.

It's hard to balance all the feelings/emotions at once. So for now we just wait, which I've never been very good at.

One of those days...

Today is just one of those days. A day where I am irritated by EVERYTHING!!

Truth is - I have about a million & one things going on in my head right now so I'm sure that's why I am so on edge but who knows. All I do know is that the next person to pull out in front of me and then stop or slow down or just in general be in the way very well might find themselves rear-ended!!

In other news... We have finally found a house!! We can move in anytime after the 15th & we are SO EXCITED! It is going to be so great to have our own space again. I am a little nervous about all the work that will be going on with moving, unpacking, organizing, and getting everything switched all over which is going to conveniently obviously fall smack dab in the middle of my cycle in which we are going to be doing IUI. That's just the sort of luck we have. So I'll be doing my best to stay calm, relaxed, and rested as much as possible.

In other, other news... 2 of my Grandparents are not doing well. Last week Grandma B was sent home from the hospital with Hospice Care due to Congestive Heart Failure. She is 94 & from the sounds of it won't be around too much longer. It's pretty much day to day at this point. She has good days and bad. Also, Sunday night my Grandpa D was taken to the hospital with a high fever after being on 2 different antibiotics and sick for a week. After several tests it turns out he has Leukemia. Doctors were optimistic at first saying depending on the type and stage he might have a chance to fight it, IF they could get him stronger. Well since then he's taken a turn for the worse and doctors (while still waiting for official test results) are now saying they think the cancer has already spread pretty far & he may be in the final stages. I am not ready to lose even one grandparent, let alone two possibly at the same time. It's been a rough week to say the least, combined with the fact that I'm currently in week 3 of my cycle and that's always when I feel the worst.

Please pray for both of my Grandparents & also that Jerry & I have a smooth transition into our new home where we will hopefully being hearing the pitter patter of little feet very soon.