Alone.

Right now I'm feeling really alone.

I would like to think that I know that the hubby cares and has feelings about all the Infertility stuff but it breaks my heart that he won't talk to me about them. I know that guys and feelings are different. It can sometimes be easier for us women to express our feelings. Also I come from an extremely emotional family that has never been shy about expressing their feelings at any time. Jerry was raised differently, his family doesn't really talk about emotions very much. They aren't emotional wrecks expressive like we are. I know everyone deals with things differently and in their own way but I just want to know what's going on in his head.

Not knowing forces me to create different scenarios in my head. Is he sad, upset, angry? I don't know, and that makes me sad. On Friday at Dr. M's office he asked how Jerry was doing with everything.... this got me thinking that I really didn't know. I'd like to assume how he's doing but in all honesty I really don't know for sure.

So when I bring it up tonight and ask him exactly how he feels and what he thinks.... I. got. nothing. I got his famous line of "you know how I feel about it" and since I'm not currently a mind reader and he's never been one to offer up any information I would have to beg to differ. I don't know. I WISH I did. So then I am left feeling even more upset and alone.

The infertility journey is tough enough to go through in the first place but then to feel like you are going through the journey alone is even worse...

The last 7 years have been rough (to say the very least). I'm tired, stressed, an emotional wreck most days, have a hard time looking at pregnant people, frustrated, annoyed, angry and just plain sad. I don't know where our journey is going to take us. I don't know when it's going to end. But I hope to one day very soon be holding a small bundle in my arms and thinking 'It was all worth it'.