A new low...

Yesterday I hit a new low on the crazy train of infertility.

Now I've been known to do some pretty crazy things over the last 7 years but I am pretty sure that this one takes the cake.

So being insane as I am, my period is a week late (again NBD, happens all the time) so naturally I am feeling every. single. pregnancy symptom. imaginable. I mean really... who wouldn't. So being absolutely CONVINCED that this was the time and I was FINALLY PREGNANT I has been begging the hubs to let me buy a test. His answer was no, he was not as convinced. Which of course I blamed on the fact that he couldn't feel the symptoms I was, in reality he's heard this story before... Well my dad called yesterday and said Grandma wasn't doing well and Hospice said it would probably be today or tomorrow. So not wanting my Grandma to pass away without sharing my joy was just unacceptable. So knowing full well that we were both BROKE until pay day on Thursday I went to the local Dollar Tree and got a pregnancy test & paid for it with loose change that I had found in the car. *Ashamed*

Needless to say, the test was negative... as it has been every single month for the last 7 years. You would think that after all the dr appts and all the tests and all the consultations and knowing the chances that we will ever conceive that I would be able to accept it and not get my hopes up all the time and not try and get the hubby to be excited with me and being angry at him for not... but I feel like if I let that sink in I am giving up... and that is something that I am just not ready for.

ps. Grandma B passed away into Heaven around 2:00 am on 11/17/11. It seems so unreal to have lost 2 Grandparents in less than 2 weeks. I mean really, how does that even happen. I am sure it happens all the time but in my life and in my little world it just doesn't.  One thing that I am trying to take out of all this is to remember that I have a lot of my Grandma's genes. I look just like my dad and his side of the family and she is strong. She lived to be 94, was still exercising twice a week at the Y up until about 6 months ago, and she had children well into her 40's. She was strong and I am too, I just need to remind myself of that and remind myself where I come from. I love you Grandma.