Tough

Some days are just tough. That's what I kept telling myself on Friday, as I sat at my desk at work and cried the entire day.

I cried because I can't get pregnant.
I cried because I'm too broke to afford IVF.
I cried because I'm too broke to afford adoption.
I cried because I might NEVER be pregnant.
I cried because I know the older I get the harder this is all going to be.
I cried because EVERYONE else around me gets pregnant like it's their job.
I cried because I was sad, angry, mad, ashamed, disappointed.
I cried because some days are just tough.

Infertility is hard. Not just the treatments but more so the emotional side of things. It's hard. I sort of laugh because my family sort of sees me as a baby, afraid of pain, scared of most things actually. But if they only knew everything I've been through over the last almost 7 years. I would like to think of myself as very strong. It's not easy to go to appointments month after month after month and have ultrasounds done but instead of seeing your baby on the screen all you see are ovaries, covered in cysts. It's tough.

It's tough to sit there and have them tell you your test came back negative... again.
It's tough to try and make it to the car without breaking down and crying in front of strangers.
It's tough to have to be at all those appointments alone because your husband has to work because you've spent every dime you have on the fertility meds. All that stuff is tough.
But it's even harder when people around you get pregnant and don't appreciate it or complain about it.

And Friday I just had a rough day. Everything had been building up and I couldn't handle anymore. But now, I'm ready. Ready to continue fighting infertility. Ready to make a baby. Ready to have a family. And one way or another we will make it happen.

SNOW

It's finally SNOWING!!! If I didn't see it with my own two eyes I probably wouldn't believe it! We are finally getting our first official snow fall of the winter season. 5-8 inches is expected! :)

In other news. Not much to report. Life has been pretty well the same and pretty well uneventful, which is good of course.

We are moving February 1st! Youngest Sister, her son, Jerry & I are moving back into our old house in Cedarville. Sisters husband has joined the National Guard and so we are moving in together so we can help with the childcare. Hopefully this will work out good. Jerry sort of laughed last night as I was talking about time flying by and he said yeah lil man will be 2 soon and then he laughed and said "Oh terrible two's, right as we are moving in together!" lol But I'm sure it will work out, just have to adjust.

Not Pregnant.... Just Crazy.

More and more often I find myself stopping to stare at myself in the mirror or at my shadow or reflection. I look approximately 8 months pregnant. It makes me happy for a just a few seconds to stand there and day dream about my child being in there and how wonderful that would be... but then I remember I'm not pregnant, just crazy. You see while I look 8 months pregnant, I'm not pregnant at all, not even a little bit. I'm just fat. I'd like to blame it on the fertility treatments and medications and stress from infertility and pretty much anything I can think of but myself.

Truth is... I'm just fat. I'm fat because I'm an emotional/stress/bored eater. I eat when I'm happy, sad, stressed, tired, bored, watching TV, hanging with friends, snacks while shopping, all.the.time. It's something I've always done and now as I sit here looking 8 months pregnant when I'm not at all and being 100+ pounds overweight, I'm sad. Which of course makes me want ice cream... stupid emotions.

I sometimes wonder if I keep myself so overweight because of those fleeting moments where I catch a glimpse of myself and get to pretend that my baby is in there and because I want nothing more in life than to have a REAL baby bump, but then I remember that's crazy.

So I'm going to work very hard at losing this weight and getting healthier. Because regardless of if we decide to do IVF or go on with adoption I will need to be more in shape and healthier to go ahead. So I need to stop kidding myself and drop this pretend bump so I can hopefully move on to a real one.

Close to Home

Typically the hubby doesn't talk too much about his feelings. A typical guy of sorts. He keeps things to himself and just doesn't express his sadness the same way I do, until last night.

We were watching Private Practice and in this particular episode Addison was tyring to adopt a baby. She had met with the birth mother and everything seemed to be going well. The birth mother even paged her when she went into labor and Addison saved the mother & baby's life. The next day Addison stopped to see them and the mother asked if she wanted to hold the baby. Addison jumped at the chance and was telling the mother how perfect the baby was. The mother then went on to explain that as much as she loved Addison and how appreciative she was for having saved her life, she was going to give the baby to another family.

* A story line we know all too well. *

Jerry without saying a word grabbed the remote, turned off the TV, and walked out of the room. I followed him to find him saying he felt like he'd been punched in the stomach when that happened on the show. Which proceeded to absolutely break my heart in two.

It makes me sad that he's sad, but at the same time it does make me feel better that he's sad too and I'm not the only one. It definitely made me feel a lot closer to him knowing we have the same feelings and emotions of the situation that almost was.

New Years Resolutions 2012

2011 was not kind to us. We had surgeries, heartbreak, deaths and more sadness than I care to even think about. So I want to make 2012 a better year. I make usually the same resolutions every year and never stick to them. So I hoping by actually writing them down I'll be held more accountable.

1) Lose weight. I need to lose a significant amount but I don't think it will all happen in 1 year so I'm shooting for a smaller goal of 40 pounds.

2) Be healthier. This is my overall goal with the losing weight and exercising more.

3) Be more independent. I very often rely on others to do things for me or get things for me. So hopefully by being more active and doing more things for myself this will help with goal 1 & 2.

4) Be less sloppy. I'm a sloppy person. I rarely wear make-up, my hair is usually in a pony-tail, and my wardrobe consists mostly of t-shirts & jeans, and that's fine but I want to be the "pretty" girl that I used to be (or maybe just thought I was ;) lol ). So more time to make myself look better which hopefully will help me feel better which is again tied to goal 1 & 2. * Sense a theme here *

5) Get Finances in order. We want to try IVF or Adopt. We cannot do either until we are able to get a loan. This must be done first in order to qualify for a loan.

6) Make plans without canceling them because I *might* be pregnant then. I've let infertility stop us from doing so many things. Anytime anything must be planned 6 months in advance I always back out because this could be the month that we WILL be pregnant. That's never happened and I'm sad for all the things we've missed out on.

So this is my basic plan for the year. I hope that I'm able to accomplish all of these things and be on my way to a happy, healthier, life.

* As always my overall goal for the year is to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. I hope 2012 brings us closer to this goal.