Halloween

Today is Halloween. I HATE Halloween. I just don't see the point in it all.  Don't get me wrong I think the small kids in the ADORABLE costumes are just great! But the slightly older kids in the creepy/scary costumes & the pranks & the trying to scare people... no. thank. you! I am NOT A FAN of scary things at all. AT. ALL. Terrified in fact of things that most children think are great. So the time of year when every TV show and every movie they play on TV are all about Halloween and being scary/creepy/crawly... just not my thing. I think I'll go home tonight and hide out from all the creepy critters & be thankful that Halloween is almost over!

27

Today is my birthday & I am 27 years old!! That seems so crazy to me. I remember dreading turning 25 (I through a legit fit for about 3 months beforehand) and suddenly I'm turning 27 and thinking what in the world happened to 25 & 26?!?!?! It's crazy how quickly life flies by in what seems like an instant.

I remember growing up thinking that I would get married at 22 and have babies at 23, 25 & 26 and be living a perfect little life with my family by 27. I guess it's true if you want to hear God laugh, just tell him your plans. Instead I got married at 19 & sit here at 27, $30,000 in debt from failed fertility treatments & still TRYING to get pregnant with our first child! Never in a million years did I expect to even have to TRY. They tell you in health class in 5th grade that if you don't use protection even ONE TIME you WILL BE PREGNANT! They drill that into students right from the beginning, which is all fine and well since some people do work like that. I however am not one of them.

We stopped using birth control 6 months after we were married and expected to be pregnant immediately. Needless to say we were completely shocked when nothing happened and nothing continued to happen for the next 6.5 years!! That's something they sure don't cover in Health Class. Before our own struggles I myself had never even heard of infertility. I thought you want a baby, no protection and boom you have a baby. Boy did I have a lot to learn.... I had never heard of IUI, IVF, ART nor if I had seen them somewhere would I have even the slightest clue what they meant. I'm not happy that I do but I know that when we do finally become parents I will think it was all worth it. I sure hope that is the case anyway. I do know that God has plans for all of us and I can now appreciate that he knew it was best for us not to get pregnant right away after we got married.... we were only 20 years old, what did we know about raising babies! lol But I hope that now that we are 27 he will decide the time is right.

I am hoping/praying/wishing with all my might that this will be the last birthday I celebrate without being a mommy. I want my husband to buy me cheesy birthday cards & sign them from the kids, or make birthday cards & say they signed it. I just want to be a mommy & be able to make my husband a daddy & that would by far be the best present I could imagine.

Lucky # 11

I meet with the baby doctor on 11/11/11 @ 11 a.m. This appointment is to get all the dates, medications in order as we pursue another round of IUI. I'm beyond excited to say the least! I am truly hoping that the Lucky #11 will certainly be lucky for us & we will finally see our dreams come true!

Alone

Today I'm feeling very alone. My mom & my sisters are my best friends. We talk about everything & anything. However, infertility is no longer something we talk about. They basically think that infertility isn't a "real disease". They think that it's just something that I'm making up and making excuses for the fact that I have gained alot of weight (from the fertility treatments) and now cannot seem to lose it. They also think if I would just buckle down, lose the weight and RELAX that we would be pregnant in no time. It's very hard for me to feel like no one in my family has my back during this journey. I know they would be there for me in a minute if anything else happend but for this..... nothing. It's so hard to have to go through all this with no one to talk to about it. I gave up talking to them long ago because their comments while they felt were well intentioned were just so hurtful that I decided it was for the best not to bring it up & they don't ask.

The one person who I have thought was "on my team" the whole time was my hubby. He's been there for doctor appts, to give me shots, to hold my hand through procedures & tests, to hold me as I cry myself to sleep when those procedures didn't work & I thought it was because he was as involved as I was. That was until this weekend. He had made the comment about how he thinks we would both be so much better off if we would just re.... I stopped him before he could finish that sentence. How on earth could someone who has stood by me for the last 7 years actually believe that if we just "RELAX" it will happen. I was completely shocked to say the least.

Now I know he wants children just as much as I do & he will continue to do all the things mentioned above to be there for me but I feel like all of a sudden I'm completely alone in this journey emotionally. All he knows is we don't have children & we want them more than anything. He doesn't know why, doesn't pay attention to how long it's been that we've been trying, doesn't know the name of the procedures & tests we have had done, just that his wife has been a complete crazy person since we've been married doing anything and everything to try and get pregnant. And maybe it's just because the male & female brains work differently with details but I expected him to "know the details" and the fact that he doesn't really hurts alot more than I expected it to.

I know that he will always be on my team and by my side, I just wish he would pay more attention to the details & be as involved as I am.

Stuck

Jerry & I have been going back and forth over and over and over again about whether we should pursue adoption or IVF. We had thought we'd decided to for sure go with adoption but then as we meet with agencies we get so overwhelmed with the entire process that we second guess ourselves & lean more towards IVF. I think the biggest thing that scares the daylights out of us with adoption is the waiting for the adoption to be legally finalized. In the state of IL there is a 6 month waiting period until the adoption is finalized. We have been waiting SO LONG to be parents and we are terrified that we would not be able to fully enjoy being parents for the first 6 months because of having to wait for 6 months for the baby to be "officially ours".

I think the reason this is such a hard thing for us is because we had an adoption agreement fall through. Jerry's cousin was 14 & pregnant and was planning on giving the baby up for adoption. We had talked to her several times and we under the impression things were right on track. Approximately 3 months before she delivered we were informed that she was choosing another family. Needless to say we were crushed. The real kicker is that the "new family" had chosen the exact same name for him that we had (and no we had not shared the name with anyone!). It is very heart-breaking for us to hear how he's doing and knowing that we were SO close and yet so far away at the same time. I think that situation is playing a big part in why we are hesitant about adoption and nervous for the "waiting period".

Things can change in an instant & we know that and we also know that IVF is not by any means guaranteed. It does however come with the knowledge of no waiting period. From the minute of conception the baby is all ours and no waiting for anyone else to make up or change their mind, no hoops to jump through for the courts, just simply ours. And that point is something very hard to ignore. So I guess at this point we are still just stuck.

Yesterday

Yesterday was our 7th Wedding Anniversary! It's so strange to think that we have already been married for 7 years. I remember when we were about to get married and there were so many negative people saying that it wouldn't last & that we would be divorced in two years tops and it makes me laugh honestly. I know people were skeptical because we'd only been dating for 6 months when we got married & only had a 2 week engagement at that but when you know, you just know. And so I am very happy that we have the chance to prove everyone wrong and know that we are still in love and still happy to be married to each other 7 years later. Hopefully the next 7 years won't fly by quite as quickly and hopefully they will bring us many blessings in the form of children to complete our family. :)

Overwhelmed

I had a phone consultation with an adoption agency this morning. WHEW! Talk about overwhelming. There is SO MUCH STUFF that goes along with adoption... we had no idea. All of this is leaving me feeling very overwhelmed, which is bringing me down in the dumps with the "Why me's?". It's just so hard for me to understand WHY we are having such a rough road to parenthood. Everyone makes it look so easy, classes is school tell you it happens if you don't use protection even one time so why are we sitting here 6 & 1/2 years later with not using protection and nothing. Infertility really should have been included in the sex education class. I think it also makes it harder that no one else in my family has to deal with any of this so I feel like I'm on an island all alone while everyone else around me keeps having babies. It's a terrible feeling and just when I thought we had come to terms with the Infertility Stuff and were done with that road and going to pursue adoption now I'm not so sure. It's strange just 2 days ago adoption seemed like the answer to our prayers, the light at the end of the tunnel and now it seems like the tunnel is growing by the second and has more twists & turns that we are ready for. Right now I guess we are still stuck at the fork in the road unsure which way to turn.

Step One

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you can't see the whole staircase."

This is my feelings exactly today. Jerry & I have decided that we are going to pursue adoption. We aren't exactly sure how everything is going to come together but we have faith that it will. So we will consider today, step one. I am going to be busy trying to gather all the information I can about where to go from here. But fingers crossed & lots of prayers that God will bless us with a baby very soon.

A New Day

Yesterday I was a wreck! I was SOOO Upset about the dr office visit that I couldn't seem to do or think about anything else. Last night the hubby was great, he let me relax, take a hot bath, and just be alone in the peace & quiet while he did the cooking, cleaning, house projects and I'm happy to say that after some much needed extra rest I'm better today. I woke up to beautiful fall weather, sunshine & it's FRIDAY!! Of course I'm still sad, of course I wish the results had shown differently but the fact is I AM STILL late, I AM STILL sick, and tired, and dizzy and moody and there STILL COULD be a baby in there and being upset & stressed is only making a toxic environment for it. So until AF actually shows up, I am going to just continue on and keep taking one day at a time.

Annoyed...

Today has been a rough day for me. I'm currently 5 days late so I headed in to the Dr. office for a test, guess what.... BFN! How can this possibly be. I'm exhausted, I'm sick, I'm dizzy, I'm moody and late and STILL Negative... I did however manage to make it all the way to car this time before bawling my eyes out. I just get so frustrated that getting pregnant is so easy for all these people and then for us it's just not. Why?! I seem to ask that quite a lot, even though I never get an answer. I guess it's true sometimes life just isn't fair.