Alone

Today I'm feeling very alone. My mom & my sisters are my best friends. We talk about everything & anything. However, infertility is no longer something we talk about. They basically think that infertility isn't a "real disease". They think that it's just something that I'm making up and making excuses for the fact that I have gained alot of weight (from the fertility treatments) and now cannot seem to lose it. They also think if I would just buckle down, lose the weight and RELAX that we would be pregnant in no time. It's very hard for me to feel like no one in my family has my back during this journey. I know they would be there for me in a minute if anything else happend but for this..... nothing. It's so hard to have to go through all this with no one to talk to about it. I gave up talking to them long ago because their comments while they felt were well intentioned were just so hurtful that I decided it was for the best not to bring it up & they don't ask.

The one person who I have thought was "on my team" the whole time was my hubby. He's been there for doctor appts, to give me shots, to hold my hand through procedures & tests, to hold me as I cry myself to sleep when those procedures didn't work & I thought it was because he was as involved as I was. That was until this weekend. He had made the comment about how he thinks we would both be so much better off if we would just re.... I stopped him before he could finish that sentence. How on earth could someone who has stood by me for the last 7 years actually believe that if we just "RELAX" it will happen. I was completely shocked to say the least.

Now I know he wants children just as much as I do & he will continue to do all the things mentioned above to be there for me but I feel like all of a sudden I'm completely alone in this journey emotionally. All he knows is we don't have children & we want them more than anything. He doesn't know why, doesn't pay attention to how long it's been that we've been trying, doesn't know the name of the procedures & tests we have had done, just that his wife has been a complete crazy person since we've been married doing anything and everything to try and get pregnant. And maybe it's just because the male & female brains work differently with details but I expected him to "know the details" and the fact that he doesn't really hurts alot more than I expected it to.

I know that he will always be on my team and by my side, I just wish he would pay more attention to the details & be as involved as I am.