Random Ramblings

So this post is going to be sort of all over the place, but my brain is currently living in CrazyTown right now so what can ya expect!

* IVF has been postponed until we miraculously win the lottery, become rich or change jobs and get better insurance coverage. Everything went perfectly with the testing and Dr. J was ready to get started but we cannot get the financing. FML.

* We talked Dr. J into letting us do IUI with stims. It's a long shot since I have PCOS plus we're dealing with male factor stuff as well BUT our insurance covers it. So we're willing to try.Also, it's super risky as far as getting a multiple pregnancy. Dr. J kept mentioning the word litter. :-o)

* I'm a little terrified of the IUI. We've already done IUI with Clomid twice with no luck so I'm currently living in between being completely terrified it won't work at all and being completely terrified that we'll end up with 8 babies. Either way... I'm terrified.

* I've talked to Dr. J and let him know that I'm in NO WAY comfortable with selective reduction. I sort of feel like I've been praying/begging for a baby for so long that it would sort of be like punching God in the face and saying no thanks, changed my mind. Plus the procedure that would be done... I could NOT do to a baby. So unless there is like 10 or 12 in there and I will absolutely die or they will all die if I do not do it then it's just simply not an option.

* This whole process is moving a lot slower than I thought. I have to be approved by a Maternal Fetal Specialist before I can proceed (because of that whole risk of multiples thing) and they can't get me in until June 15th. Rational me knows that's less than a month away so big deal right... emotional me knows that because of where I am in my cycle I'm going to have to miss 2 MORE CYCLES before we can even THINK about getting started. Not impressed.

* Relationship is still a work in progress. I think the IF stuff is just wearing on us so much and I never feel like he cares enough and he thinks I care enough for about 30 people. So we're working on it.

* Work is stressing me the F out. I feel like my pile of things to do just keeps growing and growing, no matter how much I do to work on the pile it's not shrinking.

Other than all that, no too much going on in these parts. Just hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait. Story of my life!

Rough Time

The hubs and I are having a rough time. A really rough time. Infertility is hard. It's REALLY hard. It's physically hard, emotionally hard, financially hard and just down right miserable sometimes. Everything is just really starting to wear on me.

I had a meeting on Thursday with HR at work. They basically informed me that if I keep having to miss work to go to my dr appts (for our IVF) then I will be fired. They said they can't forbid me to go to my doctor appts they said that I have to use personal/vacation time for every minute that I'm not at work and that as soon as my time is used up I will be fired if I use any more time. Needless to say I am not pleased. I want to place my two week notice on Monday, but I'm not sure where I will work. I can't afford to be completely without a job, plus I carry the health insurance for both J and I (his company is too small that they don't offer insurance). So in the mean time I feel stuck and very stressed.

Then on top of all the work stuff the hubs and I are at a crossroads. I am the type of person that likes to talk things out and share my feeling and emotions. The hubby is the opposite. He deals with things in his own way... or at least i assume he does since he doesn't like to talk to me about it. :( This makes things even harder on me. Since I don't know what he's feeling or thinking it makes me feel very alone in the whole struggle. I want to talk to him about my work stuff and I want to talk to him about the dr appts and I want to talk to him about my fears/worries for IVF and I want to talk to him about what comes next if it doesn't work or even if it does....

It's just so much to deal with by myself and the fact that I don't know if my husband will be next to me for any of this makes it even scarier.

Please pray for us.

Alone

Today I'm feeling very alone. My mom & my sisters are my best friends. We talk about everything & anything. However, infertility is no longer something we talk about. They basically think that infertility isn't a "real disease". They think that it's just something that I'm making up and making excuses for the fact that I have gained alot of weight (from the fertility treatments) and now cannot seem to lose it. They also think if I would just buckle down, lose the weight and RELAX that we would be pregnant in no time. It's very hard for me to feel like no one in my family has my back during this journey. I know they would be there for me in a minute if anything else happend but for this..... nothing. It's so hard to have to go through all this with no one to talk to about it. I gave up talking to them long ago because their comments while they felt were well intentioned were just so hurtful that I decided it was for the best not to bring it up & they don't ask.

The one person who I have thought was "on my team" the whole time was my hubby. He's been there for doctor appts, to give me shots, to hold my hand through procedures & tests, to hold me as I cry myself to sleep when those procedures didn't work & I thought it was because he was as involved as I was. That was until this weekend. He had made the comment about how he thinks we would both be so much better off if we would just re.... I stopped him before he could finish that sentence. How on earth could someone who has stood by me for the last 7 years actually believe that if we just "RELAX" it will happen. I was completely shocked to say the least.

Now I know he wants children just as much as I do & he will continue to do all the things mentioned above to be there for me but I feel like all of a sudden I'm completely alone in this journey emotionally. All he knows is we don't have children & we want them more than anything. He doesn't know why, doesn't pay attention to how long it's been that we've been trying, doesn't know the name of the procedures & tests we have had done, just that his wife has been a complete crazy person since we've been married doing anything and everything to try and get pregnant. And maybe it's just because the male & female brains work differently with details but I expected him to "know the details" and the fact that he doesn't really hurts alot more than I expected it to.

I know that he will always be on my team and by my side, I just wish he would pay more attention to the details & be as involved as I am.