The Waiting Game

Well we are now in the waiting game period. :) BM will be 36 weeks pregnant on Thursday so we are playing the waiting game. Every time my phone makes any noise I'm running to get it just in case it's a call or text from her. We still have 4 WEEKS TO GO and I'm already this paranoid. I should note her last pregnancy she delivered at 37 weeks and we have a 9.5 hour drive to get to her so that hypes up my anticipation even more. And I know every pregnancy and baby is different so she could still be weeks away from delivering but it's hard to be patient at this point. PLUS it's CHRISTMAS and I've always dreamed of having a baby around Christmas time and that's sort of what we've been telling people from the get go was that we were adopting a baby around Christmas... silly of us, I know, but that was sort of an easy way to pinpoint and make it more real to us. So now that Christmas is only 7 days away and we have had our bags packed for weeks the anticipation is killing me!!! :) But I know that everything happens in God's timing. I mean we tried to get pregnant for 7 years with no luck at all and then out of the blue we get the call we've always been waiting for so I know she'll be born when she's ready but the waiting sucks. lol

Pray for us as we continue to wait it out and if you see a crazy person with their phone glued to their hand, don't judge her as rude or self-centered, she just might be waiting for the phone call that will change her entire life.

Time is Flying

Time has been flying by since I last posted. Things are going well with our adoption and we are anxiously waiting the phone call that says it's go time. Here's what we've been up to.

We met with a lawyer and got things set up as far as paperwork goes. He said that even though the BM lives in another state that he should be able to handle things from here, so that helps that we won't have to have an attorney in two different states. He doesn't always get back to me as timely as I would like but I guess we take the good with the bad.

We got to go along to one of our BM's doctor appointments. I know that most people who are adopting don't get that experience and believe me we treasured every moment of it. To be in the ultrasound room and hear the heartbeat and see our baby on the screen and get to take the pictures home. I think I was in tears the entire time. Happy tears of course!!

During that appt we got to find out that baby is a GIRL!!! We are totally over the moon excited.

We have since gotten more ultrasound pictures mailed to us from our BM. She has been nothing but super sweet and accommodating through this entire process. Keeping us up to date with everything and making sure we are always in the loop.

We I have gone just a little LOT crazy with the buying stuff for baby girl. We have 5 nephews and 2 nieces but they are older so we didn't have anything for hand-me-downs so I may or may not have gotten a little crazy with the buying clothes and hairbows. I just about die every time I get to put a hairbow in my cart and know it will go on my baby. I think we are still in shock that this is all happening.

We have chosen a name for our little peanut. She'll be Emelyn Grace. We love it and she might already have a few things with her name on it. ;)

We hosted Thanksgiving at our house and I told Jerry that this is the first year I can remember where I was actually happy on a holiday. Happy to enjoy my family and see everyone. Everyone was very excited and wanted to talk about the baby and how exited they were and how excited we were. Which is a change from every other year where I feel like they are all feeling bad for us and not really knowing what to say and so they just don't talk to us much.

Other than that it's been life as usual around here. Waiting patiently for the call to come to let us know it's time. BM thinks the baby might come before Christmas. That would absolutely be the ultimate Christmas present and no holiday would ever compare. :) We ask that you keep us in your prayers that everything will continue to go smoothly and we won't have any complications arise.

Roller Coaster of Emotions

Lately I feel like I'm just a roller coaster of emotions. I'm happy, scared, nervous, anxious, thankful, grateful, worried, stressed, and the list seems endless.

We are over the moon thankful that L found us and wants us to adopt her baby, but January seems sooooooo far away. I know in the grand scheme of our TTC 4 months seems like a cake walk but still when you've been TTC for over 7 years, 4 more months seems impossible.

This whole situation requires me to give up the control and just have faith and trust that everything will work out. Definitely NOT my strong suit. I am terrible at waiting for things to happen and not being the one making them happen. So to basically just have to sit tight until January when the baby is born is driving me bananas. I have to completely rely on L to update us when she goes to the dr or any appointments she has. I have to rely on the attorney to do all the necessary paperwork to make this a smooth transition. I have to rely on the court system not finding some strange/weird technicality to mess this up for me. (yes I know that seems far-fetched... in my life trust me it's not. If something was going to happen to 1 in a 1000 people, I'd be the one!) I have to just be patient and wait. I'm trying to spend time looking at baby things but I've yet to buy anything because I'm still plagued by the What If"s. What if something happens to the baby? What if she changes her mind? What if she finds someone else? What if the court thinks we aren't good enough? So instead I just look at things and end up being worried/stressed all over again. It's going to be tough for me the next 4 months so please pray for me. Pray that I have patience. Pray that I'm able to relax and enjoy these last 4 months of doing whatever/whenever. Pray that everything goes smoothly and according to plan. Pray that I'm able to finally realize my dreams of becoming a mother in 4 short months from now.

She Picked US!

Sorry to leave ya hanging. We met with L on Wednesday night. Everything went well, she was shy and really nervous and so were we. I wasn't really sure what to say or ask so it was mostly A (the lady who brought us together) doing the talking and each of us answering questions. L said she needed to take some time to think about everything and be certain that she'd be able to go through with it. We agreed that was good and parted ways.

So imagine the shock when the very next night I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. Normally I do not answer if I don't know who it is but that night I did and I sure am glad! It was L and she said that she gave it a lot of thought and wanted to proceed if we did. WE WERE ECSTATIC! I don't really remember much of the conversation that followed because I was so excited that I'm not even sure I could make words! lol

I did send her a text message the next day to let her know that we were very excited and to please let us know if she needed anything at all.

We ended the conversation with she was going to get her paperwork turned in for the medical benefits and schedule her dr appt (that we get to go along with and find out the gender!!!) and I was going to contact an attorney and see what we needed to be doing/getting ready in the mean time.

We are super excited and can't wait until January to be able to start our lives as a family of 3. We've been waiting for this for so so long that it still doesn't seem real. It's been sort of difficult for me because there have been SO many times that I've convinced myself that I was pregnant and we'd be having a baby on this day or that day and picking names that I still feel like my brain is fighting itself and trying to convince me that this isn't real. But it is and we cannot wait!!!

Prayers Answered!!!!

Every night when I go to sleep I say the same prayer. Dear God, please help us find our baby & help our birthmother find us. We want nothing more than to be parents, please help us. Amen.

Today that prayer came true. I typically check my Facebook several times a day (addicted, I know!) so today just like normal I logged in and saw I had a private message. Upon opening it I saw it was from the lady who took my sister's wedding photos. The message said "I saw a while back you had something on your page about wanting to adopt. Can you call me" So I did and she proceeded to tell me about a girl she knew that was approximately 5 months pregnant and because of (long story) she was planning on putting the baby up for adoption. She went on to explain about how Jerry and I were the first people she thought of. *Mind you I've not seen or talked to her since my sisters wedding almost 1 year ago.* She said the girl was anxious to meet us if we were interested and went on to talk about going to appointments and ultrasounds and such. When we hung up the phone I was literally shaking. I couldn't believe what had just happened. I ran outside to call Jerry but he didn't answer (go figure!) so instead called my sister. I was crying so hard she could barely understand me and thought I'd been in an accident or something. I finally got it all out and she was just thrilled for me and told me to go and do some toe touches! lol

I finally got done talking to my sister and went back inside at work, which was right around the time Jerry called back. So I went out and told him and he just kept saying ok, ok, ok. I finally yelled IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY IS OK?!?! He said that he was just in shock and even though we pray every night that he never actually thought something like this would happen.

I finally got settled back in a work and my cell phone rings with the photographer again. I immediately thought "Oh no, she changed her mind already!" but she was calling to tell me that she talked to the girl and she wants to meet us THIS Wednesday at 6 pm!!!!!

I'm feeling so many emotions right now. I'm happy, grateful, excited but also nervous, worried and slightly terrified. I want to be excited and have faith that everything will work out like it's supposed to but it's very hard and we've already been through so much that I don't want to get my hopes up and be crushed in the end.

We meet her on Wednesday and I'll update again then. Please pray for us and for her and that everything will work out and we'll be adding a baby to our family in a couple months.

Crystal Ball

I wish that I could see into the future for just a little while to see where I'm supposed to end up. I know that life would be no fun if everyone got everything they wanted and knew exactly how things would play out but just a glimpse would be nice.

I want to ask where I should be looking to find the children that God wants in my family. I wish I knew how to get ourselves out of our money situations. I wish I knew a lot of things really.

I'm just stressed and confused I guess. I want nothing more than to be a mother but I just don't know how to make that happen. It doesn't help that I've been helping my little sister get things set up and ready for her 2nd baby to be born in a couple months. It's just hard, I'm 5 years older than her and she's having her 2nd baby and I still have none. It's incredibly difficult not to be jealous.

Hopefully soon I'll be able to find my way on the right path. Right now I guess I'm stuck wishing for a Crystal Ball to show me the way.

Decision Made

So after the IUI was a fail and adopting through an agency is WAY out of our price range we took a hard look at where we wanted to be and how we wanted to proceed. Did we want to stay and try Foster Care, or switch jobs to getting better insurance to move on to IVF or move all together and get a fresh start somewhere else.

Well we've decided that we are moving to Colorado!! I am BEYOND excited for this and wish that January would get here sooner. Why January you ask??? Well we are waiting until January to get things taken care of here and there, saving money and waiting for our lease to run out. We've already started going through the house and taking inventory of things we will/will not be taking with us. I've also started looking online for apartments/houses and jobs. It helps that my BFF lives there and so I've asked her to keep a lookout and if I find a place online I can send her to look at it without me having to actually be there. So that's very helpful. Job hunting is going to be a little trickier. I'm not really sure how that will work from across the country but people do it all the time, right? So far I've posted my resume on Monster.com and I'm checking with the local newspapers online there.

I'm not going to lie taking a 6 month break in the TTC dept sucks because I know I'm just going to keep getting older as time progresses but I know that I'll be happier once we get moved and settled and therefore less stressed and we will re-evaluate at that time if we are going to go forward with IVF at the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine in Denver or if we'll move forward with trying to adopt.

Right now I just know that I'm excited! Scared but very excited and completely thrilled to have something to focus my energy on besides TTC and shots and doctor appointments and temperatures and periods and OPK's and BFN's and adoption paperwork and legal fees. Completely thrilled. :)

IUI Bust

So our IUI with Injectible cycle is over and done. Due to my having PCOS there was just no good way to make 1 or 2 follicles grow and not them all. I ended up with 12 mature follicles and about another 10 not far behind. So needless to say Dr. J (and us) didn't feel comfortable proceeding with the insemination. So we had to cancel. We were extremely disappointed. We knew this was a possible outcome from the beginning but we were really really hoping that by some miracle things would work out.

We've decided not to try again with IUI because odds are pretty high that will just happen again. So we are taking yet another break while we save for IVF or adoption. The breaks suck!!! I'm doing my best tyring to let things be up to God but I hate just sitting idly by and waiting feeling like I'm doing nothing to get us closer to our goal of becoming parents. It's a tough road to walk and hard to figure out which way to go.

Hello in there....

Hello, is anyone in there.... *crickets* This is pretty much how my appt went this morning. I'm on CD10 of our first IUI w/injectables and was informed this morning that the dosage of meds they have me on is doing NOTHING! My largest follicle is at 7mm, it was 6mm on Friday. I'm not impressed.

So they were planning on inseminating this Friday but that has since changed since you know nothing is in there. So the date is getting pushed out which simply isn't good for me. We are going to Nebraska for a family reunion from 7/5 - 7/8.... which if you guessed is right around the time frame that they are now wanting to inseminate you would win the grand prize! - Not sure what I'm going to do about this situation.

Don't get me wrong, I would go to the ends of the earth to have a child(ren) but I'm just a little frustrated with getting up at 4:00 a.m. to drive 1.5 hours there and then back to work 3 times a week and it's been pretty much for nothing.

PS. Don't even get me started on the giant pain-in-the-ass it was to get the freaking meds here the first time and now I have to order MORE. plus the band-aid from the blood draw this morning gave me a rash. :(

Is anything in my life ever going to be easy.

It's go time!!!

Ladies and gentleman we are on the starting blocks and diving head first into the magical world of IUI with Injectibles!!!!!

This morning was my baseline bloodwork & ultrasound and the meds will be arriving by FedEx tomorrow morning to be started immediately.

To say I'm nervous is the understatement of the year. My family and doctor are all really paranoid about multiples and my.oh.my the consent forms I've had to fill out! but honestly I'm terrified it won't work at all.

We are praying like crazy that this will be the answer to our prayers! Please pray for us!

Random Ramblings

So this post is going to be sort of all over the place, but my brain is currently living in CrazyTown right now so what can ya expect!

* IVF has been postponed until we miraculously win the lottery, become rich or change jobs and get better insurance coverage. Everything went perfectly with the testing and Dr. J was ready to get started but we cannot get the financing. FML.

* We talked Dr. J into letting us do IUI with stims. It's a long shot since I have PCOS plus we're dealing with male factor stuff as well BUT our insurance covers it. So we're willing to try.Also, it's super risky as far as getting a multiple pregnancy. Dr. J kept mentioning the word litter. :-o)

* I'm a little terrified of the IUI. We've already done IUI with Clomid twice with no luck so I'm currently living in between being completely terrified it won't work at all and being completely terrified that we'll end up with 8 babies. Either way... I'm terrified.

* I've talked to Dr. J and let him know that I'm in NO WAY comfortable with selective reduction. I sort of feel like I've been praying/begging for a baby for so long that it would sort of be like punching God in the face and saying no thanks, changed my mind. Plus the procedure that would be done... I could NOT do to a baby. So unless there is like 10 or 12 in there and I will absolutely die or they will all die if I do not do it then it's just simply not an option.

* This whole process is moving a lot slower than I thought. I have to be approved by a Maternal Fetal Specialist before I can proceed (because of that whole risk of multiples thing) and they can't get me in until June 15th. Rational me knows that's less than a month away so big deal right... emotional me knows that because of where I am in my cycle I'm going to have to miss 2 MORE CYCLES before we can even THINK about getting started. Not impressed.

* Relationship is still a work in progress. I think the IF stuff is just wearing on us so much and I never feel like he cares enough and he thinks I care enough for about 30 people. So we're working on it.

* Work is stressing me the F out. I feel like my pile of things to do just keeps growing and growing, no matter how much I do to work on the pile it's not shrinking.

Other than all that, no too much going on in these parts. Just hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait. Story of my life!

Wishes

I wish for many things......

I wish for children.

I wish for money.

I wish for a better job with better benefits.

I wish that I could get pregnant easily without having to do all these fertility treatments.

I wish that I would be almost done having children by now instead of still waiting to start.

I wish that my family would be more understanding.

I wish that I had the courage to pick up move away.

I wish that I had the strength to live my life the way that I WANT to, instead of the way other people think I should.

I wish that I things were easier.

I wish I was better at praying and trusting.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

I know that no one can make any of these things happen or easier for me. I know that it's all a struggle that I'm going to have to face within myself and make things happen. BUT for today, I wish life was easier.

Rough Time

The hubs and I are having a rough time. A really rough time. Infertility is hard. It's REALLY hard. It's physically hard, emotionally hard, financially hard and just down right miserable sometimes. Everything is just really starting to wear on me.

I had a meeting on Thursday with HR at work. They basically informed me that if I keep having to miss work to go to my dr appts (for our IVF) then I will be fired. They said they can't forbid me to go to my doctor appts they said that I have to use personal/vacation time for every minute that I'm not at work and that as soon as my time is used up I will be fired if I use any more time. Needless to say I am not pleased. I want to place my two week notice on Monday, but I'm not sure where I will work. I can't afford to be completely without a job, plus I carry the health insurance for both J and I (his company is too small that they don't offer insurance). So in the mean time I feel stuck and very stressed.

Then on top of all the work stuff the hubs and I are at a crossroads. I am the type of person that likes to talk things out and share my feeling and emotions. The hubby is the opposite. He deals with things in his own way... or at least i assume he does since he doesn't like to talk to me about it. :( This makes things even harder on me. Since I don't know what he's feeling or thinking it makes me feel very alone in the whole struggle. I want to talk to him about my work stuff and I want to talk to him about the dr appts and I want to talk to him about my fears/worries for IVF and I want to talk to him about what comes next if it doesn't work or even if it does....

It's just so much to deal with by myself and the fact that I don't know if my husband will be next to me for any of this makes it even scarier.

Please pray for us.

NIAW

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week!

I go on Wednesday for my Saline Sonogram. I'm sort of nervous about it. I know it's just a routine procedure and that I'm sure everything in there is fine but it's still sort of nerve wracking having to drive myself to another town to have a procedure done. - I understand this makes me a terrible infertile! lol

Other than that... not to much going on around these parts. Just tests and waiting. Hopefully more information to come soon!

Nerves

So Jerry and I have decided to sort of jump both feet in the IVF wave pool. To say that we are scared and nervous is quite the understatement. Yesterday was CD1, so tomorrow I'll have my baseline blood work and ultrasound done and then next Wednesday I go in for my Saline Sonogram (which doesn't sound pleasant)... but must be done. Then we wait for all our test results (hubby already had his stuff done two weeks ago while we were waiting on AF) and have another phone consult with Dr. J and he'll let us know when it's go time.

We are definitely ready for this next step. We are hoping it works, as I'm sure we'll only be able to give this one shot. We are not even sure how we are going to come up with the money to pay for it since our insurance doesn't cover it but we prayed hard about it and have decided that if this is in God's plan he will see to it that the money works out.

Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase. I think that's exactly what we've done.

Please keep us in your prayers that this will work out and that after 7 LONG YEARS we will finally be expecting.

Ready

We have been trying to get pregnant for the last 7 years so naturally we've always been 'ready' persay but this week I think we both finally realized that we are READY to be parents.

My sister & her son are living with us so we can help with little man while she works and her hubby is a boot camp. Well they have been gone the last couple days in South Carolina to watch him graduate. The house is so so so quiet without him there.

On an average night, we have dinner and clean-up and books and toys and movies and baths and cuddles and are just plain exhausted when we put him to bed and we talk about how we could use a date night. lol.

Well, the last couple nights with them gone have been Jerry and I sitting there looking at each other saying "I'm bored, I wish H was here so we could play!". That's when it hit me that we are ready. Before I would always think we were ready and then something would happen that would have me silently, secretly thinking "oh lord, we'll never be able to handle this" but now I'm thinking we can and we are ready to take on the challenge.

So God we are ready and waiting. We know things will only happen in your time but we want you to know that we are just ready.

Head is Spinning

A couple weeks ago hubby and I decided that we were not going to move to Colorado right now. We wanted to adopt and didn't think it would be fair to be going through the adoption process while planning a move cross country. So we decided to stay here and move forward with adoption. So we contacted an agency and were all set or so we thought.

That is, we were all set until I started having second thoughts. I'm a very insecure person and I started thinking what if no one picks us, what if they don't think we are good enough. I hated the idea of having to prove ourselves to be capable parents when no one else has to. They just have sex, make a baby and no questions are asked. It's not fair and it's hard to deal with. So we started thinking that maybe we should concentrate solely on IVF and go that route, then a baby would be ours and only ours and we don't have to prove anything to anyone.

 So we started to go for both by contacting the agency and setting up a consultation with the Fertility Center of Illinois. So we prayed, and prayed, and prayed again and again for God to send us a sign about which path to choose. Well the agency I contacted sent me a very generic email stating our informational packet and application were on the way. We never got it. So I emailed them to see what happened and the director said she wasn't sure why we had never got it but she would send it again (which we still haven't gotten & its been 3 weeks) but informed us that for the Domestic Infant Adoption Program there was a pretty lengthy waiting list. Not ten mins later we got a phone call that our IVF clinic had a cancellation and could actually get us in the next day instead of two weeks from them.

So I'm not very good at reading signs but I figured that one seemed pretty loud and clear. So here we are waiting for the IVF nurse to call with the timeline, treatment plan and when we start. Hopefully everything will go quickly and we'll be pregnant in no time! Please pray!! :)

ps. We are still very open to adoption and would love to grow our family through that way. Right now I'm just scared and insecure about the whole process.

Decisions

I am terrible at making decisions.  Mostly because I can't just make a decision for myself and stick with it but rather think I need to make a decision that will keep everyone around me happy regardless of what I really want. I've always been that way. Wanting to please everyone and keep people from arguing or being mad at me.

The decision on the table is about moving to Colorado. My best friend lives there and we've been out to visit several times. WE LOVE IT THERE!! It's absolutely breath-taking beautiful there. Not to mention the fact that my best friend and her husband are there. :) Seems like a no-brainer right. EXCEPT....

The problem that's keeping us from moving is our nephews. We don't have any children and most likely will not have any children. Not unless a miracle finds it's way to us. So our nephews have become like our children. We currently see them nearly everyday, we've been to every birthday party, sporting event, practice event and have been in attendance for all of their births. I don't want to miss out on their great hugs and excited eyes when they tell me stories or see me walk in the door. My sisters keep telling me that us moving doesn't mean that we are out of the family or will never see them again and I know that but it's going to be different and I'm not sure I'm ready to adjust. Plus my sisters and my mom are my best friends. We talk every single day and tell each other everything. So I don't want to feel left out of the loop because it's different telling someone in the same town everything and telling someone across country everything.

The pros for us are great. We love it there, we don't own a home or have fantastic jobs that are holding us here, we are ready for a new start. Every time we consider moving the only thing that comes up that we can't move past is leaving the boys behind.

Decisions, Decisions... not sure what to do.

Jumping The Gun

Well I've done it again... I am jumping the gun. I get an idea in my head and suddenly get so excited that I can barely stand it. Then I remind myself that I am INSANE. :)

Seriously though, Hubby had a Dr appt last week and since we've been dating/married he's been to the Dr... umm never. He went to the hospital last year on New Year's Day for an emergency appendectomy & he's willingly dropped his 'samples' off at the lab for testing but other than that he's never had an appt to just get things checked out. Well boy did they find a host of things wrong with him!

But this story is about the fact that they found through blood testing that his Thyroid isn't working, at all really apparently. So of course I naturally turned to Dr. Google to check out the symptoms that would accompany this and why we hadn't noticed them. Turns out he has almost every single symptom that I could find listed, but we'd just been chalking them up to different things. In the grand scheme of things it honestly makes so much more sense. I sort of picture Homer Simpson saying "Doh!".

Turns out that one of the symptoms of this thyroid trouble is... you guessed it folks INFERTILITY. I suddenly get super excited thinking that they will fix him and then we'll get pregnant... yeah right, in my dream world. I mean he couldn't have possibly had this condition for 7 YEARS without knowing.. could he? I mean I will still have PCOS but I feel like this is just going to help to have his swimmers in tip/top condition to help make up for the fact that my body is whack.

I mean I would be OVER THE MOON excited if that actually happened but on the other hand (because there is always an other hand) I would be pissed that we've gone through 7 years of hell and every other test imaginable and it was literally something that could have been fixed in an instant. Dramatic I know.. oh well it's my blog!

But for real.. I'm just hoping and praying that they will get the hubs some meds and then we'll finally be able to make a baby without having to spend a trillion dollars. That would be fantastic. Please pray for us!!

State of Shock... AGAIN

So while we are still reeling from the shock of A & J's adopting we got another surprise Friday night.

Little Sister (that's moved in with us while her hubby's at Boot Camp) found out she is pregnant.

WOW. I am happy for them, all of them, I really am. It's just hard to keep being excited for everyone when every time I hear a pregnancy/adoption announcement I feel like God just slapped us in the face. I know that's a terrible thing to think but it's how I feel.

Then of course the crazy in my brain lets loose with the "Why Me's??" It's not a good time.

It's just so hard to understand why in the world God would want us to suffer this much and keep having everyone around us be so blessed and we are still just waiting with no end in sight.

Plain and simple. We can't afford IVF, we can't afford an adoption agency and we can't get a loan for either one. So we are stuck. Stuck trying on our own (knowing full well it's not going to happen). Stuck getting older by the minute and know that's only going to make matters worse. Stuck hoping/wishing/praying that someone anywhere will help us by finding our blog, email or just know us in general and have a baby for us. We are just stuck and it's not a good place to be.

State of Shock

Last night started as any regular night. The family was all meeting for dinner for older sister's birthday! She's turning 30 and decided she didn't want a big party so dinner together it was.

So we show up and her mom (she's technically my step-sister but we don't like that term) is late. So we wait, and wait, and WAIT!! Then my BIL's mom says "Hey you guys come here I need to talk to you." So A & J walk over to the door and suddenly we see cameras going off like crazy and I'm thinking they are quite possibly getting attacked by the Paparazzi.

Cut to moments later when A comes walking in (holding a baby mind you) and says "I want you guys to meet my daughter, we are adopting her Monday." {insert punched in the stomach feeling here}

Needless to say we were completely shocked as they have never mentioned being interested in adoption. She said she wasn't keeping anything from us and that they'd just found out about the situation 3 days ago and everything moved really quickly after that and she didn't know the baby was coming to dinner.

I am happy for them. I really, really am. I know how much it hurts in my heart that we don't have children so the idea of them feeling the same way makes me sad and I'm glad that this worked out for them and so quickly.

BUT, having to find out in a room full of people at the restaurant and then the child is right there in front of me was just too much to deal with. I felt like I was kicked in the gut and couldn't breathe. When my other sisters announced they were pregnant I always had the 9 months to prepare myself, to adjust, and to be able to cry at home by myself and this time I didn't have that. I had to try and sit at the table and eat dinner while everyone was giddy with joy and taking pictures. It was hard.

Needless to say I pretty much lost it as soon as we got into the car. It's so hard to watch someone else get the only thing you want while you are still waiting and waiting and WAITING. But the very worst part was watching Jerry get choked up in the car too. He said that it hit him pretty hard too. He's been so happy since lil sis & H moved in and all he talks about is babies and kids and wanting to be a Dad. It absolutely breaks my heart that I can't give him that.

Long Time No Talk

I haven't written anything in quite a while. I don't really have much to talk about.

We have been very busy moving. Finally have just about everything moved and now comes the unpacking/organizing stage. I HATE THIS PART. There are just so so so many boxes and every time I look at them all I get overwhelmed and walk away! lol Not getting too much done that way!

In other news, we are just working on adjusting to life with an almost 2 year old. (Since sister & nephew are living with us now) It's been fun and quite interesting. I just love that little guy, he has such a personality. Their gassy dog however I could do without! :)

Tough

Some days are just tough. That's what I kept telling myself on Friday, as I sat at my desk at work and cried the entire day.

I cried because I can't get pregnant.
I cried because I'm too broke to afford IVF.
I cried because I'm too broke to afford adoption.
I cried because I might NEVER be pregnant.
I cried because I know the older I get the harder this is all going to be.
I cried because EVERYONE else around me gets pregnant like it's their job.
I cried because I was sad, angry, mad, ashamed, disappointed.
I cried because some days are just tough.

Infertility is hard. Not just the treatments but more so the emotional side of things. It's hard. I sort of laugh because my family sort of sees me as a baby, afraid of pain, scared of most things actually. But if they only knew everything I've been through over the last almost 7 years. I would like to think of myself as very strong. It's not easy to go to appointments month after month after month and have ultrasounds done but instead of seeing your baby on the screen all you see are ovaries, covered in cysts. It's tough.

It's tough to sit there and have them tell you your test came back negative... again.
It's tough to try and make it to the car without breaking down and crying in front of strangers.
It's tough to have to be at all those appointments alone because your husband has to work because you've spent every dime you have on the fertility meds. All that stuff is tough.
But it's even harder when people around you get pregnant and don't appreciate it or complain about it.

And Friday I just had a rough day. Everything had been building up and I couldn't handle anymore. But now, I'm ready. Ready to continue fighting infertility. Ready to make a baby. Ready to have a family. And one way or another we will make it happen.

SNOW

It's finally SNOWING!!! If I didn't see it with my own two eyes I probably wouldn't believe it! We are finally getting our first official snow fall of the winter season. 5-8 inches is expected! :)

In other news. Not much to report. Life has been pretty well the same and pretty well uneventful, which is good of course.

We are moving February 1st! Youngest Sister, her son, Jerry & I are moving back into our old house in Cedarville. Sisters husband has joined the National Guard and so we are moving in together so we can help with the childcare. Hopefully this will work out good. Jerry sort of laughed last night as I was talking about time flying by and he said yeah lil man will be 2 soon and then he laughed and said "Oh terrible two's, right as we are moving in together!" lol But I'm sure it will work out, just have to adjust.

Not Pregnant.... Just Crazy.

More and more often I find myself stopping to stare at myself in the mirror or at my shadow or reflection. I look approximately 8 months pregnant. It makes me happy for a just a few seconds to stand there and day dream about my child being in there and how wonderful that would be... but then I remember I'm not pregnant, just crazy. You see while I look 8 months pregnant, I'm not pregnant at all, not even a little bit. I'm just fat. I'd like to blame it on the fertility treatments and medications and stress from infertility and pretty much anything I can think of but myself.

Truth is... I'm just fat. I'm fat because I'm an emotional/stress/bored eater. I eat when I'm happy, sad, stressed, tired, bored, watching TV, hanging with friends, snacks while shopping, all.the.time. It's something I've always done and now as I sit here looking 8 months pregnant when I'm not at all and being 100+ pounds overweight, I'm sad. Which of course makes me want ice cream... stupid emotions.

I sometimes wonder if I keep myself so overweight because of those fleeting moments where I catch a glimpse of myself and get to pretend that my baby is in there and because I want nothing more in life than to have a REAL baby bump, but then I remember that's crazy.

So I'm going to work very hard at losing this weight and getting healthier. Because regardless of if we decide to do IVF or go on with adoption I will need to be more in shape and healthier to go ahead. So I need to stop kidding myself and drop this pretend bump so I can hopefully move on to a real one.

Close to Home

Typically the hubby doesn't talk too much about his feelings. A typical guy of sorts. He keeps things to himself and just doesn't express his sadness the same way I do, until last night.

We were watching Private Practice and in this particular episode Addison was tyring to adopt a baby. She had met with the birth mother and everything seemed to be going well. The birth mother even paged her when she went into labor and Addison saved the mother & baby's life. The next day Addison stopped to see them and the mother asked if she wanted to hold the baby. Addison jumped at the chance and was telling the mother how perfect the baby was. The mother then went on to explain that as much as she loved Addison and how appreciative she was for having saved her life, she was going to give the baby to another family.

* A story line we know all too well. *

Jerry without saying a word grabbed the remote, turned off the TV, and walked out of the room. I followed him to find him saying he felt like he'd been punched in the stomach when that happened on the show. Which proceeded to absolutely break my heart in two.

It makes me sad that he's sad, but at the same time it does make me feel better that he's sad too and I'm not the only one. It definitely made me feel a lot closer to him knowing we have the same feelings and emotions of the situation that almost was.

New Years Resolutions 2012

2011 was not kind to us. We had surgeries, heartbreak, deaths and more sadness than I care to even think about. So I want to make 2012 a better year. I make usually the same resolutions every year and never stick to them. So I hoping by actually writing them down I'll be held more accountable.

1) Lose weight. I need to lose a significant amount but I don't think it will all happen in 1 year so I'm shooting for a smaller goal of 40 pounds.

2) Be healthier. This is my overall goal with the losing weight and exercising more.

3) Be more independent. I very often rely on others to do things for me or get things for me. So hopefully by being more active and doing more things for myself this will help with goal 1 & 2.

4) Be less sloppy. I'm a sloppy person. I rarely wear make-up, my hair is usually in a pony-tail, and my wardrobe consists mostly of t-shirts & jeans, and that's fine but I want to be the "pretty" girl that I used to be (or maybe just thought I was ;) lol ). So more time to make myself look better which hopefully will help me feel better which is again tied to goal 1 & 2. * Sense a theme here *

5) Get Finances in order. We want to try IVF or Adopt. We cannot do either until we are able to get a loan. This must be done first in order to qualify for a loan.

6) Make plans without canceling them because I *might* be pregnant then. I've let infertility stop us from doing so many things. Anytime anything must be planned 6 months in advance I always back out because this could be the month that we WILL be pregnant. That's never happened and I'm sad for all the things we've missed out on.

So this is my basic plan for the year. I hope that I'm able to accomplish all of these things and be on my way to a happy, healthier, life.

* As always my overall goal for the year is to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. I hope 2012 brings us closer to this goal.