Tough

Some days are just tough. That's what I kept telling myself on Friday, as I sat at my desk at work and cried the entire day.

I cried because I can't get pregnant.
I cried because I'm too broke to afford IVF.
I cried because I'm too broke to afford adoption.
I cried because I might NEVER be pregnant.
I cried because I know the older I get the harder this is all going to be.
I cried because EVERYONE else around me gets pregnant like it's their job.
I cried because I was sad, angry, mad, ashamed, disappointed.
I cried because some days are just tough.

Infertility is hard. Not just the treatments but more so the emotional side of things. It's hard. I sort of laugh because my family sort of sees me as a baby, afraid of pain, scared of most things actually. But if they only knew everything I've been through over the last almost 7 years. I would like to think of myself as very strong. It's not easy to go to appointments month after month after month and have ultrasounds done but instead of seeing your baby on the screen all you see are ovaries, covered in cysts. It's tough.

It's tough to sit there and have them tell you your test came back negative... again.
It's tough to try and make it to the car without breaking down and crying in front of strangers.
It's tough to have to be at all those appointments alone because your husband has to work because you've spent every dime you have on the fertility meds. All that stuff is tough.
But it's even harder when people around you get pregnant and don't appreciate it or complain about it.

And Friday I just had a rough day. Everything had been building up and I couldn't handle anymore. But now, I'm ready. Ready to continue fighting infertility. Ready to make a baby. Ready to have a family. And one way or another we will make it happen.