More and more often I find myself stopping to stare at myself in the mirror or at my shadow or reflection. I look approximately 8 months pregnant. It makes me happy for a just a few seconds to stand there and day dream about my child being in there and how wonderful that would be... but then I remember I'm not pregnant, just crazy. You see while I look 8 months pregnant, I'm not pregnant at all, not even a little bit. I'm just fat. I'd like to blame it on the fertility treatments and medications and stress from infertility and pretty much anything I can think of but myself.
Truth is... I'm just fat. I'm fat because I'm an emotional/stress/bored eater. I eat when I'm happy, sad, stressed, tired, bored, watching TV, hanging with friends, snacks while shopping, all.the.time. It's something I've always done and now as I sit here looking 8 months pregnant when I'm not at all and being 100+ pounds overweight, I'm sad. Which of course makes me want ice cream... stupid emotions.
I sometimes wonder if I keep myself so overweight because of those fleeting moments where I catch a glimpse of myself and get to pretend that my baby is in there and because I want nothing more in life than to have a REAL baby bump, but then I remember that's crazy.
So I'm going to work very hard at losing this weight and getting healthier. Because regardless of if we decide to do IVF or go on with adoption I will need to be more in shape and healthier to go ahead. So I need to stop kidding myself and drop this pretend bump so I can hopefully move on to a real one.
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