We are two weeks away from Baby Girl's due date. TWO WEEKS!!! The anticipation is completely killing me at this point. I'm not sleeping well, I'm crabby and snapping at everyone and cry all the time. I mean don't get me wrong I'm so so so so excited to finally have a baby and to be there for her birth but at the same time all the wondering/waiting is driving me nuts. When will she call, will she call, where will I be, what day will it be, will I miss the call, will we make it there on time, will our parents get ready to go fast enough, do I have everything we need packed?!? These questions are weighing on my mind all day and all night long. Hence the no sleep, which is making me crabby.
And if one more person tells me to "Just Relax, Be patient, or It'll all work out" I'm going to straight throat punch them. I HATED that expression when we were trying to conceive for 7+ years and I think I might actually hate it even more now. Relaxing doesn't help you get pregnant when your lady parts aren't working at all and it's certainly not going to throw L into labor any damn faster. It also doesn't help that I have friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances calling and texting me about every 15 minutes asking if I've heard anything yet. NO, if I did I would call you. LEAVE ME ALONE! All that does is stress me out even more for not having the answers and then they tell me to relax and be patient. It's a never ending cycle.
I don't mean for this post to sound so Debbie Downer but it's hard to wait for the biggest thing to ever happen in your life when you have NO CLUE what's happening at any given moment or dr appt or anything like that. It's tough. Please pray that I'll find some patience and finally be able to get some rest before I go totally insane. :)
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
The Waiting Game
Well we are now in the waiting game period. :) BM will be 36 weeks pregnant on Thursday so we are playing the waiting game. Every time my phone makes any noise I'm running to get it just in case it's a call or text from her. We still have 4 WEEKS TO GO and I'm already this paranoid. I should note her last pregnancy she delivered at 37 weeks and we have a 9.5 hour drive to get to her so that hypes up my anticipation even more. And I know every pregnancy and baby is different so she could still be weeks away from delivering but it's hard to be patient at this point. PLUS it's CHRISTMAS and I've always dreamed of having a baby around Christmas time and that's sort of what we've been telling people from the get go was that we were adopting a baby around Christmas... silly of us, I know, but that was sort of an easy way to pinpoint and make it more real to us. So now that Christmas is only 7 days away and we have had our bags packed for weeks the anticipation is killing me!!! :) But I know that everything happens in God's timing. I mean we tried to get pregnant for 7 years with no luck at all and then out of the blue we get the call we've always been waiting for so I know she'll be born when she's ready but the waiting sucks. lol
Pray for us as we continue to wait it out and if you see a crazy person with their phone glued to their hand, don't judge her as rude or self-centered, she just might be waiting for the phone call that will change her entire life.
Pray for us as we continue to wait it out and if you see a crazy person with their phone glued to their hand, don't judge her as rude or self-centered, she just might be waiting for the phone call that will change her entire life.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Time is Flying
Time has been flying by since I last posted. Things are going well with our adoption and we are anxiously waiting the phone call that says it's go time. Here's what we've been up to.
We met with a lawyer and got things set up as far as paperwork goes. He said that even though the BM lives in another state that he should be able to handle things from here, so that helps that we won't have to have an attorney in two different states. He doesn't always get back to me as timely as I would like but I guess we take the good with the bad.
We got to go along to one of our BM's doctor appointments. I know that most people who are adopting don't get that experience and believe me we treasured every moment of it. To be in the ultrasound room and hear the heartbeat and see our baby on the screen and get to take the pictures home. I think I was in tears the entire time. Happy tears of course!!
During that appt we got to find out that baby is a GIRL!!! We are totally over the moon excited.
We have since gotten more ultrasound pictures mailed to us from our BM. She has been nothing but super sweet and accommodating through this entire process. Keeping us up to date with everything and making sure we are always in the loop.
We I have gone just a little LOT crazy with the buying stuff for baby girl. We have 5 nephews and 2 nieces but they are older so we didn't have anything for hand-me-downs so I may or may not have gotten a little crazy with the buying clothes and hairbows. I just about die every time I get to put a hairbow in my cart and know it will go on my baby. I think we are still in shock that this is all happening.
We have chosen a name for our little peanut. She'll be Emelyn Grace. We love it and she might already have a few things with her name on it. ;)
We hosted Thanksgiving at our house and I told Jerry that this is the first year I can remember where I was actually happy on a holiday. Happy to enjoy my family and see everyone. Everyone was very excited and wanted to talk about the baby and how exited they were and how excited we were. Which is a change from every other year where I feel like they are all feeling bad for us and not really knowing what to say and so they just don't talk to us much.
Other than that it's been life as usual around here. Waiting patiently for the call to come to let us know it's time. BM thinks the baby might come before Christmas. That would absolutely be the ultimate Christmas present and no holiday would ever compare. :) We ask that you keep us in your prayers that everything will continue to go smoothly and we won't have any complications arise.
We met with a lawyer and got things set up as far as paperwork goes. He said that even though the BM lives in another state that he should be able to handle things from here, so that helps that we won't have to have an attorney in two different states. He doesn't always get back to me as timely as I would like but I guess we take the good with the bad.
We got to go along to one of our BM's doctor appointments. I know that most people who are adopting don't get that experience and believe me we treasured every moment of it. To be in the ultrasound room and hear the heartbeat and see our baby on the screen and get to take the pictures home. I think I was in tears the entire time. Happy tears of course!!
During that appt we got to find out that baby is a GIRL!!! We are totally over the moon excited.
We have since gotten more ultrasound pictures mailed to us from our BM. She has been nothing but super sweet and accommodating through this entire process. Keeping us up to date with everything and making sure we are always in the loop.
We have chosen a name for our little peanut. She'll be Emelyn Grace. We love it and she might already have a few things with her name on it. ;)
We hosted Thanksgiving at our house and I told Jerry that this is the first year I can remember where I was actually happy on a holiday. Happy to enjoy my family and see everyone. Everyone was very excited and wanted to talk about the baby and how exited they were and how excited we were. Which is a change from every other year where I feel like they are all feeling bad for us and not really knowing what to say and so they just don't talk to us much.
Other than that it's been life as usual around here. Waiting patiently for the call to come to let us know it's time. BM thinks the baby might come before Christmas. That would absolutely be the ultimate Christmas present and no holiday would ever compare. :) We ask that you keep us in your prayers that everything will continue to go smoothly and we won't have any complications arise.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Roller Coaster of Emotions
Lately I feel like I'm just a roller coaster of emotions. I'm happy, scared, nervous, anxious, thankful, grateful, worried, stressed, and the list seems endless.
We are over the moon thankful that L found us and wants us to adopt her baby, but January seems sooooooo far away. I know in the grand scheme of our TTC 4 months seems like a cake walk but still when you've been TTC for over 7 years, 4 more months seems impossible.
This whole situation requires me to give up the control and just have faith and trust that everything will work out. Definitely NOT my strong suit. I am terrible at waiting for things to happen and not being the one making them happen. So to basically just have to sit tight until January when the baby is born is driving me bananas. I have to completely rely on L to update us when she goes to the dr or any appointments she has. I have to rely on the attorney to do all the necessary paperwork to make this a smooth transition. I have to rely on the court system not finding some strange/weird technicality to mess this up for me. (yes I know that seems far-fetched... in my life trust me it's not. If something was going to happen to 1 in a 1000 people, I'd be the one!) I have to just be patient and wait. I'm trying to spend time looking at baby things but I've yet to buy anything because I'm still plagued by the What If"s. What if something happens to the baby? What if she changes her mind? What if she finds someone else? What if the court thinks we aren't good enough? So instead I just look at things and end up being worried/stressed all over again. It's going to be tough for me the next 4 months so please pray for me. Pray that I have patience. Pray that I'm able to relax and enjoy these last 4 months of doing whatever/whenever. Pray that everything goes smoothly and according to plan. Pray that I'm able to finally realize my dreams of becoming a mother in 4 short months from now.
We are over the moon thankful that L found us and wants us to adopt her baby, but January seems sooooooo far away. I know in the grand scheme of our TTC 4 months seems like a cake walk but still when you've been TTC for over 7 years, 4 more months seems impossible.
This whole situation requires me to give up the control and just have faith and trust that everything will work out. Definitely NOT my strong suit. I am terrible at waiting for things to happen and not being the one making them happen. So to basically just have to sit tight until January when the baby is born is driving me bananas. I have to completely rely on L to update us when she goes to the dr or any appointments she has. I have to rely on the attorney to do all the necessary paperwork to make this a smooth transition. I have to rely on the court system not finding some strange/weird technicality to mess this up for me. (yes I know that seems far-fetched... in my life trust me it's not. If something was going to happen to 1 in a 1000 people, I'd be the one!) I have to just be patient and wait. I'm trying to spend time looking at baby things but I've yet to buy anything because I'm still plagued by the What If"s. What if something happens to the baby? What if she changes her mind? What if she finds someone else? What if the court thinks we aren't good enough? So instead I just look at things and end up being worried/stressed all over again. It's going to be tough for me the next 4 months so please pray for me. Pray that I have patience. Pray that I'm able to relax and enjoy these last 4 months of doing whatever/whenever. Pray that everything goes smoothly and according to plan. Pray that I'm able to finally realize my dreams of becoming a mother in 4 short months from now.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
She Picked US!
Sorry to leave ya hanging. We met with L on Wednesday night. Everything went well, she was shy and really nervous and so were we. I wasn't really sure what to say or ask so it was mostly A (the lady who brought us together) doing the talking and each of us answering questions. L said she needed to take some time to think about everything and be certain that she'd be able to go through with it. We agreed that was good and parted ways.
So imagine the shock when the very next night I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. Normally I do not answer if I don't know who it is but that night I did and I sure am glad! It was L and she said that she gave it a lot of thought and wanted to proceed if we did. WE WERE ECSTATIC! I don't really remember much of the conversation that followed because I was so excited that I'm not even sure I could make words! lol
I did send her a text message the next day to let her know that we were very excited and to please let us know if she needed anything at all.
We ended the conversation with she was going to get her paperwork turned in for the medical benefits and schedule her dr appt (that we get to go along with and find out the gender!!!) and I was going to contact an attorney and see what we needed to be doing/getting ready in the mean time.
We are super excited and can't wait until January to be able to start our lives as a family of 3. We've been waiting for this for so so long that it still doesn't seem real. It's been sort of difficult for me because there have been SO many times that I've convinced myself that I was pregnant and we'd be having a baby on this day or that day and picking names that I still feel like my brain is fighting itself and trying to convince me that this isn't real. But it is and we cannot wait!!!
So imagine the shock when the very next night I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. Normally I do not answer if I don't know who it is but that night I did and I sure am glad! It was L and she said that she gave it a lot of thought and wanted to proceed if we did. WE WERE ECSTATIC! I don't really remember much of the conversation that followed because I was so excited that I'm not even sure I could make words! lol
I did send her a text message the next day to let her know that we were very excited and to please let us know if she needed anything at all.
We ended the conversation with she was going to get her paperwork turned in for the medical benefits and schedule her dr appt (that we get to go along with and find out the gender!!!) and I was going to contact an attorney and see what we needed to be doing/getting ready in the mean time.
We are super excited and can't wait until January to be able to start our lives as a family of 3. We've been waiting for this for so so long that it still doesn't seem real. It's been sort of difficult for me because there have been SO many times that I've convinced myself that I was pregnant and we'd be having a baby on this day or that day and picking names that I still feel like my brain is fighting itself and trying to convince me that this isn't real. But it is and we cannot wait!!!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Prayers Answered!!!!
Every night when I go to sleep I say the same prayer. Dear God, please help us find our baby & help our birthmother find us. We want nothing more than to be parents, please help us. Amen.
Today that prayer came true. I typically check my Facebook several times a day (addicted, I know!) so today just like normal I logged in and saw I had a private message. Upon opening it I saw it was from the lady who took my sister's wedding photos. The message said "I saw a while back you had something on your page about wanting to adopt. Can you call me" So I did and she proceeded to tell me about a girl she knew that was approximately 5 months pregnant and because of (long story) she was planning on putting the baby up for adoption. She went on to explain about how Jerry and I were the first people she thought of. *Mind you I've not seen or talked to her since my sisters wedding almost 1 year ago.* She said the girl was anxious to meet us if we were interested and went on to talk about going to appointments and ultrasounds and such. When we hung up the phone I was literally shaking. I couldn't believe what had just happened. I ran outside to call Jerry but he didn't answer (go figure!) so instead called my sister. I was crying so hard she could barely understand me and thought I'd been in an accident or something. I finally got it all out and she was just thrilled for me and told me to go and do some toe touches! lol
I finally got done talking to my sister and went back inside at work, which was right around the time Jerry called back. So I went out and told him and he just kept saying ok, ok, ok. I finally yelled IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY IS OK?!?! He said that he was just in shock and even though we pray every night that he never actually thought something like this would happen.
I finally got settled back in a work and my cell phone rings with the photographer again. I immediately thought "Oh no, she changed her mind already!" but she was calling to tell me that she talked to the girl and she wants to meet us THIS Wednesday at 6 pm!!!!!
I'm feeling so many emotions right now. I'm happy, grateful, excited but also nervous, worried and slightly terrified. I want to be excited and have faith that everything will work out like it's supposed to but it's very hard and we've already been through so much that I don't want to get my hopes up and be crushed in the end.
We meet her on Wednesday and I'll update again then. Please pray for us and for her and that everything will work out and we'll be adding a baby to our family in a couple months.
Today that prayer came true. I typically check my Facebook several times a day (addicted, I know!) so today just like normal I logged in and saw I had a private message. Upon opening it I saw it was from the lady who took my sister's wedding photos. The message said "I saw a while back you had something on your page about wanting to adopt. Can you call me" So I did and she proceeded to tell me about a girl she knew that was approximately 5 months pregnant and because of (long story) she was planning on putting the baby up for adoption. She went on to explain about how Jerry and I were the first people she thought of. *Mind you I've not seen or talked to her since my sisters wedding almost 1 year ago.* She said the girl was anxious to meet us if we were interested and went on to talk about going to appointments and ultrasounds and such. When we hung up the phone I was literally shaking. I couldn't believe what had just happened. I ran outside to call Jerry but he didn't answer (go figure!) so instead called my sister. I was crying so hard she could barely understand me and thought I'd been in an accident or something. I finally got it all out and she was just thrilled for me and told me to go and do some toe touches! lol
I finally got done talking to my sister and went back inside at work, which was right around the time Jerry called back. So I went out and told him and he just kept saying ok, ok, ok. I finally yelled IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY IS OK?!?! He said that he was just in shock and even though we pray every night that he never actually thought something like this would happen.
I finally got settled back in a work and my cell phone rings with the photographer again. I immediately thought "Oh no, she changed her mind already!" but she was calling to tell me that she talked to the girl and she wants to meet us THIS Wednesday at 6 pm!!!!!
I'm feeling so many emotions right now. I'm happy, grateful, excited but also nervous, worried and slightly terrified. I want to be excited and have faith that everything will work out like it's supposed to but it's very hard and we've already been through so much that I don't want to get my hopes up and be crushed in the end.
We meet her on Wednesday and I'll update again then. Please pray for us and for her and that everything will work out and we'll be adding a baby to our family in a couple months.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Decision Made
So after the IUI was a fail and adopting through an agency is WAY out of our price range we took a hard look at where we wanted to be and how we wanted to proceed. Did we want to stay and try Foster Care, or switch jobs to getting better insurance to move on to IVF or move all together and get a fresh start somewhere else.
Well we've decided that we are moving to Colorado!! I am BEYOND excited for this and wish that January would get here sooner. Why January you ask??? Well we are waiting until January to get things taken care of here and there, saving money and waiting for our lease to run out. We've already started going through the house and taking inventory of things we will/will not be taking with us. I've also started looking online for apartments/houses and jobs. It helps that my BFF lives there and so I've asked her to keep a lookout and if I find a place online I can send her to look at it without me having to actually be there. So that's very helpful. Job hunting is going to be a little trickier. I'm not really sure how that will work from across the country but people do it all the time, right? So far I've posted my resume on Monster.com and I'm checking with the local newspapers online there.
I'm not going to lie taking a 6 month break in the TTC dept sucks because I know I'm just going to keep getting older as time progresses but I know that I'll be happier once we get moved and settled and therefore less stressed and we will re-evaluate at that time if we are going to go forward with IVF at the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine in Denver or if we'll move forward with trying to adopt.
Right now I just know that I'm excited! Scared but very excited and completely thrilled to have something to focus my energy on besides TTC and shots and doctor appointments and temperatures and periods and OPK's and BFN's and adoption paperwork and legal fees. Completely thrilled. :)
Well we've decided that we are moving to Colorado!! I am BEYOND excited for this and wish that January would get here sooner. Why January you ask??? Well we are waiting until January to get things taken care of here and there, saving money and waiting for our lease to run out. We've already started going through the house and taking inventory of things we will/will not be taking with us. I've also started looking online for apartments/houses and jobs. It helps that my BFF lives there and so I've asked her to keep a lookout and if I find a place online I can send her to look at it without me having to actually be there. So that's very helpful. Job hunting is going to be a little trickier. I'm not really sure how that will work from across the country but people do it all the time, right? So far I've posted my resume on Monster.com and I'm checking with the local newspapers online there.
I'm not going to lie taking a 6 month break in the TTC dept sucks because I know I'm just going to keep getting older as time progresses but I know that I'll be happier once we get moved and settled and therefore less stressed and we will re-evaluate at that time if we are going to go forward with IVF at the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine in Denver or if we'll move forward with trying to adopt.
Right now I just know that I'm excited! Scared but very excited and completely thrilled to have something to focus my energy on besides TTC and shots and doctor appointments and temperatures and periods and OPK's and BFN's and adoption paperwork and legal fees. Completely thrilled. :)
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Head is Spinning
A couple weeks ago hubby and I decided that we were not going to move to Colorado right now. We wanted to adopt and didn't think it would be fair to be going through the adoption process while planning a move cross country. So we decided to stay here and move forward with adoption. So we contacted an agency and were all set or so we thought.
That is, we were all set until I started having second thoughts. I'm a very insecure person and I started thinking what if no one picks us, what if they don't think we are good enough. I hated the idea of having to prove ourselves to be capable parents when no one else has to. They just have sex, make a baby and no questions are asked. It's not fair and it's hard to deal with. So we started thinking that maybe we should concentrate solely on IVF and go that route, then a baby would be ours and only ours and we don't have to prove anything to anyone.
So we started to go for both by contacting the agency and setting up a consultation with the Fertility Center of Illinois. So we prayed, and prayed, and prayed again and again for God to send us a sign about which path to choose. Well the agency I contacted sent me a very generic email stating our informational packet and application were on the way. We never got it. So I emailed them to see what happened and the director said she wasn't sure why we had never got it but she would send it again (which we still haven't gotten & its been 3 weeks) but informed us that for the Domestic Infant Adoption Program there was a pretty lengthy waiting list. Not ten mins later we got a phone call that our IVF clinic had a cancellation and could actually get us in the next day instead of two weeks from them.
So I'm not very good at reading signs but I figured that one seemed pretty loud and clear. So here we are waiting for the IVF nurse to call with the timeline, treatment plan and when we start. Hopefully everything will go quickly and we'll be pregnant in no time! Please pray!! :)
ps. We are still very open to adoption and would love to grow our family through that way. Right now I'm just scared and insecure about the whole process.
That is, we were all set until I started having second thoughts. I'm a very insecure person and I started thinking what if no one picks us, what if they don't think we are good enough. I hated the idea of having to prove ourselves to be capable parents when no one else has to. They just have sex, make a baby and no questions are asked. It's not fair and it's hard to deal with. So we started thinking that maybe we should concentrate solely on IVF and go that route, then a baby would be ours and only ours and we don't have to prove anything to anyone.
So we started to go for both by contacting the agency and setting up a consultation with the Fertility Center of Illinois. So we prayed, and prayed, and prayed again and again for God to send us a sign about which path to choose. Well the agency I contacted sent me a very generic email stating our informational packet and application were on the way. We never got it. So I emailed them to see what happened and the director said she wasn't sure why we had never got it but she would send it again (which we still haven't gotten & its been 3 weeks) but informed us that for the Domestic Infant Adoption Program there was a pretty lengthy waiting list. Not ten mins later we got a phone call that our IVF clinic had a cancellation and could actually get us in the next day instead of two weeks from them.
So I'm not very good at reading signs but I figured that one seemed pretty loud and clear. So here we are waiting for the IVF nurse to call with the timeline, treatment plan and when we start. Hopefully everything will go quickly and we'll be pregnant in no time! Please pray!! :)
ps. We are still very open to adoption and would love to grow our family through that way. Right now I'm just scared and insecure about the whole process.
Monday, February 13, 2012
State of Shock... AGAIN
So while we are still reeling from the shock of A & J's adopting we got another surprise Friday night.
Little Sister (that's moved in with us while her hubby's at Boot Camp) found out she is pregnant.
WOW. I am happy for them, all of them, I really am. It's just hard to keep being excited for everyone when every time I hear a pregnancy/adoption announcement I feel like God just slapped us in the face. I know that's a terrible thing to think but it's how I feel.
Then of course the crazy in my brain lets loose with the "Why Me's??" It's not a good time.
It's just so hard to understand why in the world God would want us to suffer this much and keep having everyone around us be so blessed and we are still just waiting with no end in sight.
Plain and simple. We can't afford IVF, we can't afford an adoption agency and we can't get a loan for either one. So we are stuck. Stuck trying on our own (knowing full well it's not going to happen). Stuck getting older by the minute and know that's only going to make matters worse. Stuck hoping/wishing/praying that someone anywhere will help us by finding our blog, email or just know us in general and have a baby for us. We are just stuck and it's not a good place to be.
Little Sister (that's moved in with us while her hubby's at Boot Camp) found out she is pregnant.
WOW. I am happy for them, all of them, I really am. It's just hard to keep being excited for everyone when every time I hear a pregnancy/adoption announcement I feel like God just slapped us in the face. I know that's a terrible thing to think but it's how I feel.
Then of course the crazy in my brain lets loose with the "Why Me's??" It's not a good time.
It's just so hard to understand why in the world God would want us to suffer this much and keep having everyone around us be so blessed and we are still just waiting with no end in sight.
Plain and simple. We can't afford IVF, we can't afford an adoption agency and we can't get a loan for either one. So we are stuck. Stuck trying on our own (knowing full well it's not going to happen). Stuck getting older by the minute and know that's only going to make matters worse. Stuck hoping/wishing/praying that someone anywhere will help us by finding our blog, email or just know us in general and have a baby for us. We are just stuck and it's not a good place to be.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
State of Shock
Last night started as any regular night. The family was all meeting for dinner for older sister's birthday! She's turning 30 and decided she didn't want a big party so dinner together it was.
So we show up and her mom (she's technically my step-sister but we don't like that term) is late. So we wait, and wait, and WAIT!! Then my BIL's mom says "Hey you guys come here I need to talk to you." So A & J walk over to the door and suddenly we see cameras going off like crazy and I'm thinking they are quite possibly getting attacked by the Paparazzi.
Cut to moments later when A comes walking in (holding a baby mind you) and says "I want you guys to meet my daughter, we are adopting her Monday." {insert punched in the stomach feeling here}
Needless to say we were completely shocked as they have never mentioned being interested in adoption. She said she wasn't keeping anything from us and that they'd just found out about the situation 3 days ago and everything moved really quickly after that and she didn't know the baby was coming to dinner.
I am happy for them. I really, really am. I know how much it hurts in my heart that we don't have children so the idea of them feeling the same way makes me sad and I'm glad that this worked out for them and so quickly.
BUT, having to find out in a room full of people at the restaurant and then the child is right there in front of me was just too much to deal with. I felt like I was kicked in the gut and couldn't breathe. When my other sisters announced they were pregnant I always had the 9 months to prepare myself, to adjust, and to be able to cry at home by myself and this time I didn't have that. I had to try and sit at the table and eat dinner while everyone was giddy with joy and taking pictures. It was hard.
Needless to say I pretty much lost it as soon as we got into the car. It's so hard to watch someone else get the only thing you want while you are still waiting and waiting and WAITING. But the very worst part was watching Jerry get choked up in the car too. He said that it hit him pretty hard too. He's been so happy since lil sis & H moved in and all he talks about is babies and kids and wanting to be a Dad. It absolutely breaks my heart that I can't give him that.
So we show up and her mom (she's technically my step-sister but we don't like that term) is late. So we wait, and wait, and WAIT!! Then my BIL's mom says "Hey you guys come here I need to talk to you." So A & J walk over to the door and suddenly we see cameras going off like crazy and I'm thinking they are quite possibly getting attacked by the Paparazzi.
Cut to moments later when A comes walking in (holding a baby mind you) and says "I want you guys to meet my daughter, we are adopting her Monday." {insert punched in the stomach feeling here}
Needless to say we were completely shocked as they have never mentioned being interested in adoption. She said she wasn't keeping anything from us and that they'd just found out about the situation 3 days ago and everything moved really quickly after that and she didn't know the baby was coming to dinner.
I am happy for them. I really, really am. I know how much it hurts in my heart that we don't have children so the idea of them feeling the same way makes me sad and I'm glad that this worked out for them and so quickly.
BUT, having to find out in a room full of people at the restaurant and then the child is right there in front of me was just too much to deal with. I felt like I was kicked in the gut and couldn't breathe. When my other sisters announced they were pregnant I always had the 9 months to prepare myself, to adjust, and to be able to cry at home by myself and this time I didn't have that. I had to try and sit at the table and eat dinner while everyone was giddy with joy and taking pictures. It was hard.
Needless to say I pretty much lost it as soon as we got into the car. It's so hard to watch someone else get the only thing you want while you are still waiting and waiting and WAITING. But the very worst part was watching Jerry get choked up in the car too. He said that it hit him pretty hard too. He's been so happy since lil sis & H moved in and all he talks about is babies and kids and wanting to be a Dad. It absolutely breaks my heart that I can't give him that.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Close to Home
Typically the hubby doesn't talk too much about his feelings. A typical guy of sorts. He keeps things to himself and just doesn't express his sadness the same way I do, until last night.
We were watching Private Practice and in this particular episode Addison was tyring to adopt a baby. She had met with the birth mother and everything seemed to be going well. The birth mother even paged her when she went into labor and Addison saved the mother & baby's life. The next day Addison stopped to see them and the mother asked if she wanted to hold the baby. Addison jumped at the chance and was telling the mother how perfect the baby was. The mother then went on to explain that as much as she loved Addison and how appreciative she was for having saved her life, she was going to give the baby to another family.
* A story line we know all too well. *
Jerry without saying a word grabbed the remote, turned off the TV, and walked out of the room. I followed him to find him saying he felt like he'd been punched in the stomach when that happened on the show. Which proceeded to absolutely break my heart in two.
It makes me sad that he's sad, but at the same time it does make me feel better that he's sad too and I'm not the only one. It definitely made me feel a lot closer to him knowing we have the same feelings and emotions of the situation that almost was.
We were watching Private Practice and in this particular episode Addison was tyring to adopt a baby. She had met with the birth mother and everything seemed to be going well. The birth mother even paged her when she went into labor and Addison saved the mother & baby's life. The next day Addison stopped to see them and the mother asked if she wanted to hold the baby. Addison jumped at the chance and was telling the mother how perfect the baby was. The mother then went on to explain that as much as she loved Addison and how appreciative she was for having saved her life, she was going to give the baby to another family.
* A story line we know all too well. *
Jerry without saying a word grabbed the remote, turned off the TV, and walked out of the room. I followed him to find him saying he felt like he'd been punched in the stomach when that happened on the show. Which proceeded to absolutely break my heart in two.
It makes me sad that he's sad, but at the same time it does make me feel better that he's sad too and I'm not the only one. It definitely made me feel a lot closer to him knowing we have the same feelings and emotions of the situation that almost was.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Tough
Today was Grandma B's funeral. It was tough to say goodbye to another Grandparent so soon. It's been quite the roller coaster of emotions the last couple weeks. We've lost so many Grandparents, friends, relatives that it's hard to believe anymore. We also found out today that my bro-in-law's aunt died around 1:30. They had known it was coming, but certainly doesn't make it any easier.
Thanksgiving is in a couple days. I am so excited! I love getting together with the family and eating and playing cards and just being together... and then on to the Christmas Decorations! :) This year will not be quite as joyful though as it will be our first holiday after the loss of our Grandparents. I'm sure we'll make it through, we will just be extra thankful for the family members that are still with us.
The last couple months have been so busy and so up and down that it doesn't seem like it's even time for the holidays yet. I am in shock that Christmas is in 34 days. Thirty.four.days.?!? How the heck did that happen?
I am thankful that this year is almost over, I look forward to 2012 and hope that we will have joyous occasions to celebrate instead of so many heartbreaks. I for sure hope that 2012 will be the year our first child is born. I've been hoping that for several years but I think I am more determined than ever to make it happen. (I know it's not in my control, but I'd like to think if I work/try harder, I can help things along.)
Right now I think our definite plan is to lose weight/save money for IVF. We are still very open to adoption and would LOVE to grow our family in that direction but right now we just don't have the resources or funds to go through an agency. We are going to keep searching on our own and tell as many people as possible about our plans so they can help us look and hopefully if God decides that is how we will grow our family he will make it happen.
So here is hoping that 2012 will bring us better luck, happiness, and not so much heartbreak. Don't get me wrong we did have a lot of happy reasons to celebrate in 2011 but I think we've had more heartbreak than happiness.
Thanksgiving is in a couple days. I am so excited! I love getting together with the family and eating and playing cards and just being together... and then on to the Christmas Decorations! :) This year will not be quite as joyful though as it will be our first holiday after the loss of our Grandparents. I'm sure we'll make it through, we will just be extra thankful for the family members that are still with us.
The last couple months have been so busy and so up and down that it doesn't seem like it's even time for the holidays yet. I am in shock that Christmas is in 34 days. Thirty.four.days.?!? How the heck did that happen?
I am thankful that this year is almost over, I look forward to 2012 and hope that we will have joyous occasions to celebrate instead of so many heartbreaks. I for sure hope that 2012 will be the year our first child is born. I've been hoping that for several years but I think I am more determined than ever to make it happen. (I know it's not in my control, but I'd like to think if I work/try harder, I can help things along.)
Right now I think our definite plan is to lose weight/save money for IVF. We are still very open to adoption and would LOVE to grow our family in that direction but right now we just don't have the resources or funds to go through an agency. We are going to keep searching on our own and tell as many people as possible about our plans so they can help us look and hopefully if God decides that is how we will grow our family he will make it happen.
So here is hoping that 2012 will bring us better luck, happiness, and not so much heartbreak. Don't get me wrong we did have a lot of happy reasons to celebrate in 2011 but I think we've had more heartbreak than happiness.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Waiting
This morning I was reminded to fully trust in God's timing. A couple that I know has been through so much trying to build their family and after several heartbreaks they have had 2 miracles come into their lives through adoption. It may not have been in the exact way they'd planned or in the time they'd planned but it happened.
It reminded me to try and be patient and wait for God to send us a miracle. If it's meant to be he will make it happen. I am just so terrible at the waiting part... but I know that's what I will need to do. Wait, and trust that God knows what he is doing and will bless us with all the children he intends for us to have in our family... we just have to wait.
It reminded me to try and be patient and wait for God to send us a miracle. If it's meant to be he will make it happen. I am just so terrible at the waiting part... but I know that's what I will need to do. Wait, and trust that God knows what he is doing and will bless us with all the children he intends for us to have in our family... we just have to wait.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Random Thoughts
Grandpa D passed away Saturday, 11/5/11 at 9:00 p.m. I am sad to say the least but happy that he is no longer in pain & that he passed peacefully into Heaven with the whole family surrounding his bed. The funeral is going to be on Wednesday which also happens to be his 75th birthday. :(
Last night I was having a rough time sleeping (hubby is sick & was snoring like a bear!) so I started watching Friends re-runs on Nick @ Nite. It was the episode that Monica & Chandler's babies are born. Needless to say I. Was. A. WRECK. I know I'm sort of overly emotional right now with everything that is going on & usually any TV show that involves babies is enough to get me in tears but them adopting and ending up with *surprise* twins just had me a wreck. I have always felt like I would have twins & while pursing the fertility treatment road that was a very real possibility but not very often does that happen with adoption. (At least I don't think it does, haven't heard of any cases.) I just think how lucky that would be to happen! I know it's just a TV show and they can do whatever they want to get ratings but I was sure excited about the outcome.
As much as Jerry & I want to have our own biological child, I think we are just more interested in being parents regardless of how the children come into the world. We've talked about adopting embryos', adopting infants, adopting older children, domestic adoption, international adoption all the while still discussing IUI, IVF and other fertility treatments. It's a TOUGH decision to make. And I feel like after reading the information on each topic I'm just more confused instead of closer to a decision. So I am hoping that soon we'll find peace with a decision and regardless of the outcome please know that whatever decision we make has not been an easy one. I just wish that it wasn't so hard for us. People get pregnant/adopt every day but for us either one of those things seem like forever away. Everything is just hard.
Last night I was having a rough time sleeping (hubby is sick & was snoring like a bear!) so I started watching Friends re-runs on Nick @ Nite. It was the episode that Monica & Chandler's babies are born. Needless to say I. Was. A. WRECK. I know I'm sort of overly emotional right now with everything that is going on & usually any TV show that involves babies is enough to get me in tears but them adopting and ending up with *surprise* twins just had me a wreck. I have always felt like I would have twins & while pursing the fertility treatment road that was a very real possibility but not very often does that happen with adoption. (At least I don't think it does, haven't heard of any cases.) I just think how lucky that would be to happen! I know it's just a TV show and they can do whatever they want to get ratings but I was sure excited about the outcome.
As much as Jerry & I want to have our own biological child, I think we are just more interested in being parents regardless of how the children come into the world. We've talked about adopting embryos', adopting infants, adopting older children, domestic adoption, international adoption all the while still discussing IUI, IVF and other fertility treatments. It's a TOUGH decision to make. And I feel like after reading the information on each topic I'm just more confused instead of closer to a decision. So I am hoping that soon we'll find peace with a decision and regardless of the outcome please know that whatever decision we make has not been an easy one. I just wish that it wasn't so hard for us. People get pregnant/adopt every day but for us either one of those things seem like forever away. Everything is just hard.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Stuck
Jerry & I have been going back and forth over and over and over again about whether we should pursue adoption or IVF. We had thought we'd decided to for sure go with adoption but then as we meet with agencies we get so overwhelmed with the entire process that we second guess ourselves & lean more towards IVF. I think the biggest thing that scares the daylights out of us with adoption is the waiting for the adoption to be legally finalized. In the state of IL there is a 6 month waiting period until the adoption is finalized. We have been waiting SO LONG to be parents and we are terrified that we would not be able to fully enjoy being parents for the first 6 months because of having to wait for 6 months for the baby to be "officially ours".
I think the reason this is such a hard thing for us is because we had an adoption agreement fall through. Jerry's cousin was 14 & pregnant and was planning on giving the baby up for adoption. We had talked to her several times and we under the impression things were right on track. Approximately 3 months before she delivered we were informed that she was choosing another family. Needless to say we were crushed. The real kicker is that the "new family" had chosen the exact same name for him that we had (and no we had not shared the name with anyone!). It is very heart-breaking for us to hear how he's doing and knowing that we were SO close and yet so far away at the same time. I think that situation is playing a big part in why we are hesitant about adoption and nervous for the "waiting period".
Things can change in an instant & we know that and we also know that IVF is not by any means guaranteed. It does however come with the knowledge of no waiting period. From the minute of conception the baby is all ours and no waiting for anyone else to make up or change their mind, no hoops to jump through for the courts, just simply ours. And that point is something very hard to ignore. So I guess at this point we are still just stuck.
I think the reason this is such a hard thing for us is because we had an adoption agreement fall through. Jerry's cousin was 14 & pregnant and was planning on giving the baby up for adoption. We had talked to her several times and we under the impression things were right on track. Approximately 3 months before she delivered we were informed that she was choosing another family. Needless to say we were crushed. The real kicker is that the "new family" had chosen the exact same name for him that we had (and no we had not shared the name with anyone!). It is very heart-breaking for us to hear how he's doing and knowing that we were SO close and yet so far away at the same time. I think that situation is playing a big part in why we are hesitant about adoption and nervous for the "waiting period".
Things can change in an instant & we know that and we also know that IVF is not by any means guaranteed. It does however come with the knowledge of no waiting period. From the minute of conception the baby is all ours and no waiting for anyone else to make up or change their mind, no hoops to jump through for the courts, just simply ours. And that point is something very hard to ignore. So I guess at this point we are still just stuck.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Overwhelmed
I had a phone consultation with an adoption agency this morning. WHEW! Talk about overwhelming. There is SO MUCH STUFF that goes along with adoption... we had no idea. All of this is leaving me feeling very overwhelmed, which is bringing me down in the dumps with the "Why me's?". It's just so hard for me to understand WHY we are having such a rough road to parenthood. Everyone makes it look so easy, classes is school tell you it happens if you don't use protection even one time so why are we sitting here 6 & 1/2 years later with not using protection and nothing. Infertility really should have been included in the sex education class. I think it also makes it harder that no one else in my family has to deal with any of this so I feel like I'm on an island all alone while everyone else around me keeps having babies. It's a terrible feeling and just when I thought we had come to terms with the Infertility Stuff and were done with that road and going to pursue adoption now I'm not so sure. It's strange just 2 days ago adoption seemed like the answer to our prayers, the light at the end of the tunnel and now it seems like the tunnel is growing by the second and has more twists & turns that we are ready for. Right now I guess we are still stuck at the fork in the road unsure which way to turn.
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