Breakdown

Today I might have had a huge gigantic little tiny breakdown.

This morning when I woke up AF had returned. Which I know is good for my overall sanity & health but still. Boo to the things that come with it.

Then I'm bored to death at work. Very sad.

So I go home for lunch and can't get in the house.
The door knob has been getting stuck and having problems and generally just been being a pain in the ass. But hasn't been fixed yet.
So I am standing there twisting and turning and trying ever so unsuccessfully to get into the house. All I wanted was lunch.

Then...I.LOST.IT.

I mean all out, screaming at the skies, throwing things, kicking things, yelling profanities LOST IT.
I'm actually surprised the neighbors didn't call the psych ward right then.

I was just so tired of everything falling all apart and not being able to control or fix it. I've heard that people grieve differently and different things set them off. I hadn't really felt like I cried much during the funerals and visitations but I think I was in sort of a never-ending state of shock. Did I ever think my jump off point would be a door knob? No. Do I still think that part of the story is a little ridiculous? Absolutely.

I screamed and cried and yelled for how unfair it was to loose two Grandparents so close together and right before the holidays. I cried for all this infertility bullshit we've been through over the last 6.5 years. I cried for being stuck outside with no phone and for not having a phone for the last month and for not having the money to get my phone turned back on. I cried for being broke all the time, for living with my parents at the age of 27. I cried for just wanting to eat lunch and having no money since I'd spent every dollar I had on groceries last night (so I'd be able to eat lunch) all of which were currently locked in the house (that I'm sure I looked like I was trying to rob). I cried and screamed and yelled profanities at God in the middle of the yard like a crazy person.

Did I feel better after getting it all off my chest? Yes. Do I think any of those things I'm upset about are going to change anytime soon? No.

But shortly after my screaming/crying/begging fit had slowed to just tears running down my face the door suddenly clicked and I could get in. I've never been so glad to walk into the house as I was just then.

And I'm ok with the fact that this story makes me sound crazy because the breakdown needed to happen and I needed to get that stuff off my chest. Hopefully now I will be able to move on and start trying to get my life back.