wow.

Today I had another appt with Dr. M. Sort of a random one.

I called because I was concerned about being on Cycle Day 48. He also found this to be unacceptable & wanted to "check things out". So I headed in for an ultrasound.

I was secretly staring at the screen as hard as I could hoping to see a little baby hiding in there but no luck.

What we did see was the remnants of a very large cyst that had ruptured. How.did.I.miss.that?!?!?! I mean really.

Turns out last week when I had the "flu" what I actually had was intense pain from the cyst rupturing that caused me to throw up and blame it on the flu. Idiot.

So while I'm currently shocked that I didn't realize earlier what was happening, I think i'm more annoyed at the fact that it happened AGAIN. Stupid PCOS, stupid ovaries that don't work, stupid female parts that make me angry. It's a never ending battle over here. If I go off birth control to try and get pregnant then I get even more cysts. Which in turn throw my cycle off and prevent me from getting pregnant anyway. Stupid vicious cycle.

So today I'm praying for ovaries that will work correctly, cysts that will not form, and healing on my lady parts.

Back to the Grind

It's Monday and that means back to work. It was nice to have 4 days off but it seems like I was only gone for about 4 seconds. Oh well, I guess I should be thankful to even have a job as some are not so lucky.

Thanksgiving was nice. Definitely strange this year. 2 grandparents were missing and also my mom (who I was so sweet to share my Flu with). All things take time to adjust but it just didn't FEEL like Thanksgiving. It still doesn't even now. All the Christmas decorations are up and we've been watching Christmas movies for weeks. The countdown thing in the corner of the TV says 27 days til Christmas. I don't believe it.

Time seems to be at a standstill with each day dragging on and on and on but then I look up and I've missed entire weeks at a time that I don't remember happening. Very strange indeed.

I'm also getting highly annoyed with my cycle.
I've been doing very well with at least getting a cycle each and every month. Almost always between 29-34 days, which for me is incredibly normal! Since before surgery in Jan it had been somewhere between 28-65 or not at all... so here I sit currently on Cycle Day 45. Forty-Five!! How on earth did this happen?!?!

At first I was excited, thinking that miraculously I had ovulated and was FINALLY pregnant. I patiently waited and waited and grew more and more excited everyday. Finally I broke down and bought a test fully expecting it to finally be positive. BFN. Waited 2 days and tried again. BFN. Again waited 2 days... again BFN. AGAIN waited 2 days... and AGAIN BFN. So if you are counting that's 4 tests, all negative. Throughout this process, I kept thinking well I'd only be 4 weeks it's too early, ok now I'm still only 5 weeks could be still to early,  and then ok now I would clearly be 6 weeks! WTF!! * I know that some women have trouble with urine tests and some don't ever get a positive at home until they are 6-8 MONTHS along... but it's rare and what are the odds.

 So, Now I'm just annoyed. So here I sit, still late, still feeling sick, and feeling nutso in my head but refusing to buy another test. Feeling like I could be feeling pregnancy symptoms and then feeling like no they are probably just PMS symptoms and then feeling like I'm crazy and not feeling anything at all.... and then I get mad and annoyed and angry all over again, but I refuse to buy another test so I guess we will just not find out we are preggers until delivery.

Also, please pray for my husband. Due to the fact that my hormones are in complete chaos right now and all the other mental/emotional things I am going through... I've not been kind to him. The smallest things he does have sent me right over the cliff between nice/happy wife and want to rip your head off wife in approx. 2 seconds. I'm currently looking for nice/happy wife but in the mean time please pray for him. :)

Ick

What is the one word that you never want to hear the day before Thanksgiving...

FLU.

That's right I've come down with the flu. The hot/then cold, up all night, achey all over, puking my guts out all.night.long flu. I'm not impressed.

It came out of no where. I was fine yesterday and then as the evening progressed I felt worse and worse & then the vomiting started. Yuck!

I'm so upset, I LOVE Thanksgiving. I love all the food, being with family, playing cards & everything and if things don't change it looks like I will miss all of it and be spending the day on the bathroom floor alone. :( :(

I certainly hope it's only a 24-hour bug that will pass as quickly as it came. We shall see.

So for now, ENJOY your Thanksgiving holiday & pray that I will be able to as well.

Tough

Today was Grandma B's funeral. It was tough to say goodbye to another Grandparent so soon. It's been quite the roller coaster of emotions the last couple weeks. We've lost so many Grandparents, friends, relatives that it's hard to believe anymore. We also found out today that my bro-in-law's aunt died around 1:30. They had known it was coming, but certainly doesn't make it any easier.

Thanksgiving is in a couple days. I am so excited! I love getting together with the family and eating and playing cards and just being together... and then on to the Christmas Decorations! :) This year will not be quite as joyful though as it will be our first holiday after the loss of our Grandparents. I'm sure we'll make it through, we will just be extra thankful for the family members that are still with us.

The last couple months have been so busy and so up and down that it doesn't seem like it's even time for the holidays yet. I am in shock that Christmas is in 34 days. Thirty.four.days.?!? How the heck did that happen?

I am thankful that this year is almost over, I look forward to 2012 and hope that we will have joyous occasions to celebrate instead of so many heartbreaks. I for sure hope that 2012 will be the year our first child is born. I've been hoping that for several years but I think I am more determined than ever to make it happen. (I know it's not in my control, but I'd like to think if I work/try harder, I can help things along.)

Right now I think our definite plan is to lose weight/save money for IVF. We are still very open to adoption and would LOVE to grow our family in that direction but right now we just don't have the resources or funds to go through an agency. We are going to keep searching on our own and tell as many people as possible about our plans so they can help us look and hopefully if God decides that is how we will grow our family he will make it happen.

So here is hoping that 2012 will bring us better luck, happiness, and not so much heartbreak. Don't get me wrong we did have a lot of happy reasons to celebrate in 2011 but I think we've had more heartbreak than happiness.

Signs from God

So I'm am kinda sorta a LOT little bit addicted to McDonald's breakfast.

I know that of things to be addicted to this is something very silly.

However I LOVE going there every morning for breakfast. I KNOW that this habit is not helping many aspects of my life. Including the losing weight issue & the being broke issue. But it's just so hard to give up.

Well that has changed....

Last week I went through and got my usual Breakfast Burrito and on my way to work and opened it and there was a huge.black.fly on my burrito wrapped up in the wrapper. *gag* *SUPER GAG* I was running a little late for work (shocker I know!) and so I had no time to turn around and complain so I just tossed it and continued about my life.

Then this morning I thought I'd give them another shot and went through and got a Sausage Egg McMuffin. Getting something different this time should be safe right.... WRONG! I opened it up took a big bite and *crunch* a great big piece of egg shell. *gag again* I nearly puked into the bag while driving!!

So God, I get the point. My love affair with McDonald's breakfast is over. Thank you for helping me down the right road.

Sometimes everyone just needs a little push. :)

A new low...

Yesterday I hit a new low on the crazy train of infertility.

Now I've been known to do some pretty crazy things over the last 7 years but I am pretty sure that this one takes the cake.

So being insane as I am, my period is a week late (again NBD, happens all the time) so naturally I am feeling every. single. pregnancy symptom. imaginable. I mean really... who wouldn't. So being absolutely CONVINCED that this was the time and I was FINALLY PREGNANT I has been begging the hubs to let me buy a test. His answer was no, he was not as convinced. Which of course I blamed on the fact that he couldn't feel the symptoms I was, in reality he's heard this story before... Well my dad called yesterday and said Grandma wasn't doing well and Hospice said it would probably be today or tomorrow. So not wanting my Grandma to pass away without sharing my joy was just unacceptable. So knowing full well that we were both BROKE until pay day on Thursday I went to the local Dollar Tree and got a pregnancy test & paid for it with loose change that I had found in the car. *Ashamed*

Needless to say, the test was negative... as it has been every single month for the last 7 years. You would think that after all the dr appts and all the tests and all the consultations and knowing the chances that we will ever conceive that I would be able to accept it and not get my hopes up all the time and not try and get the hubby to be excited with me and being angry at him for not... but I feel like if I let that sink in I am giving up... and that is something that I am just not ready for.

ps. Grandma B passed away into Heaven around 2:00 am on 11/17/11. It seems so unreal to have lost 2 Grandparents in less than 2 weeks. I mean really, how does that even happen. I am sure it happens all the time but in my life and in my little world it just doesn't.  One thing that I am trying to take out of all this is to remember that I have a lot of my Grandma's genes. I look just like my dad and his side of the family and she is strong. She lived to be 94, was still exercising twice a week at the Y up until about 6 months ago, and she had children well into her 40's. She was strong and I am too, I just need to remind myself of that and remind myself where I come from. I love you Grandma.

Alone.

Right now I'm feeling really alone.

I would like to think that I know that the hubby cares and has feelings about all the Infertility stuff but it breaks my heart that he won't talk to me about them. I know that guys and feelings are different. It can sometimes be easier for us women to express our feelings. Also I come from an extremely emotional family that has never been shy about expressing their feelings at any time. Jerry was raised differently, his family doesn't really talk about emotions very much. They aren't emotional wrecks expressive like we are. I know everyone deals with things differently and in their own way but I just want to know what's going on in his head.

Not knowing forces me to create different scenarios in my head. Is he sad, upset, angry? I don't know, and that makes me sad. On Friday at Dr. M's office he asked how Jerry was doing with everything.... this got me thinking that I really didn't know. I'd like to assume how he's doing but in all honesty I really don't know for sure.

So when I bring it up tonight and ask him exactly how he feels and what he thinks.... I. got. nothing. I got his famous line of "you know how I feel about it" and since I'm not currently a mind reader and he's never been one to offer up any information I would have to beg to differ. I don't know. I WISH I did. So then I am left feeling even more upset and alone.

The infertility journey is tough enough to go through in the first place but then to feel like you are going through the journey alone is even worse...

The last 7 years have been rough (to say the very least). I'm tired, stressed, an emotional wreck most days, have a hard time looking at pregnant people, frustrated, annoyed, angry and just plain sad. I don't know where our journey is going to take us. I don't know when it's going to end. But I hope to one day very soon be holding a small bundle in my arms and thinking 'It was all worth it'.