Waiting

This morning I was reminded to fully trust in God's timing. A couple that I know has been through so much trying to build their family and after several heartbreaks they have had 2 miracles come into their lives through adoption. It may not have been in the exact way they'd planned or in the time they'd planned but it happened.

It reminded me to try and be patient and wait for God to send us a miracle. If it's meant to be he will make it happen. I am just so terrible at the waiting part... but I know that's what I will need to do. Wait, and trust that God knows what he is doing and will bless us with all the children he intends for us to have in our family... we just have to wait.

Pity Party

Today I am having a Pity Party.

I KNOW that I have many things in my life to be thankful for.

I KNOW that Jerry & I are very blessed with a huge, loving family.

BUT today, I don't care... I just want to have a Pity Party.

Life isn't Fair. It never has been and never will be. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen for terrible people. That's not going to change. But just this once, can we get a freaking break!!!

We have decided to back out of the house we were going to rent. It just wasn't the right time, we still have a long way to go to be all caught up and in combination with family members being sick/dying and the holidays approaching, I we weren't ready. So the guy we were going to rent from decided to be a giant a**hole and not give us our full deposit back. He said he was going to pro-rate it for the days he had it off the market, which we were ok with, since we knew it was only 3 days. {Paid deposit on Friday, called Monday to tell him we changed our mind} He however took it upon himself to decide that since we were planning on moving in on the 15th that meant it was 2 weeks! So he kept 1/2 of the money. So now we are both feeling like idiots for essentially throwing $312 in the garbage for absolutely nothing!! GRRRR... I feel like we are always getting taking advantage of when we always try and be honest. I've waited for 25 mins once trying to get the attention of the person who rang us up to let them know they gave us $10 too much money back.... and yet I feel like these good deeds always go unnoticed. But people that lie/scam the system are always getting things for free and having stuff handed to them! Again GRRR...

I'm also very annoyed that one of the hubby's cousins is pregnant AGAIN with her 4th child. I know people are probably thinking "wow, what a crab!" but I think you should know that she does not have custody of her 1st child, does not have a job, does not have a car and is barely able to care for the other 2 children already in her care and yet she's having ANOTHER ONE. Life isn't fair. How is it possible that she can get pregnant with 4 children in the time we've been trying for 1. ****UPDATE**** I am quite possibly the WORST person in the world right now. I was completely emotional/hormonal/upset and just plain rude when complaining about his cousin and now I feel terribly guilty and like the worst possible person in the world because his cousin lost her baby yesterday. I. Am. A. Terrible. Person.

I know everyone says it will happen when God thinks you're ready but really... you mean to tell me God thinks she needs another child and we aren't ready. I find that very hard to believe. I know that also makes me a terrible person for questioning God's reasoning but I am at the point where if my life were a movie I would be standing outside shouting "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!" at the skies for all to hear.

Sometimes life just isn't fair. My brain knows that but my heart is having a hard time understanding it.

$10,000!?!?!?

Anyone have a spare $10,000 laying around they would like to give me?!?! Nobody huh... shucks!!

I guess 11/11/11 wasn't really as lucky as I had hoped it would be. Dr. M said that we CAN go ahead with IUI however he feels the chances of it working are pretty much nil. He said normally a woman doing IUI has approximately a 20% chance of becoming pregnant each month she does IUI. MY chances are only 10% max if I do the IUI every. single. month. for the next year. That averages out to less than 1% chance each month. He said while it IS possible, it's just not likely given the fact that my ovaries are stubborn and selfish and make tons of eggs but refuse to actually release any!

So he said he still is thinking that IVF is going to be by far our best option but there is just one problem standing in our way... it comes in the form of $10,000! IVF is just SO EXPENSIVE and has to be paid upfront. I know that there are financing options and grants and loans and such things but since we are currently $30,000 in debt with medical bills mostly from failed fertility treatments we aren't really in a position to get a loan at this present time.

So I guess we wait. Wait until we can either save up enough money, get different insurance, or win the lottery. Waiting sucks!! I've always been terrible at it. The two week wait period normally has me a complete wreck because I am impatient and anxious and make up symptoms in my head because I want to badly to feel them that I end up making myself crazy. So stay tuned to find out how well I handle the wait, because I am guessing it'll be a long one!

Praying...

Today I'm wishing/hoping/praying for some good news. It seems like everyday gets worse and worse and we get nothing but bad news over and over again. Jerry and I could really use some good news. It's very overwhelming so I'm hoping that tomorrow on 11/11/11 the number 11 really will be lucky and we will finally catch a break.  I just keep reminding myself, there is always tomorrow.... however if tomorrow is anything like the last couple days have been I might be spending the weekend hiding under the covers!!

Random Thoughts

Grandpa D passed away Saturday, 11/5/11 at 9:00 p.m. I am sad to say the least but happy that he is no longer in pain & that he passed peacefully into Heaven with the whole family surrounding his bed. The funeral is going to be on Wednesday which also happens to be his 75th birthday. :(

Last night I was having a rough time sleeping (hubby is sick & was snoring like a bear!) so I started watching Friends re-runs on Nick @ Nite. It was the episode that Monica & Chandler's babies are born. Needless to say I. Was. A. WRECK. I know I'm sort of overly emotional right now with everything that is going on & usually any TV show that involves babies is enough to get me in tears but them adopting and ending up with *surprise* twins just had me a wreck. I have always felt like I would have twins & while pursing the fertility treatment road that was a very real possibility but not very often does that happen with adoption. (At least I don't think it does, haven't heard of any cases.) I just think how lucky that would be to happen! I know it's just a TV show and they can do whatever they want to get ratings but I was sure excited about the outcome.

As much as Jerry & I want to have our own biological child, I think we are just more interested in being parents regardless of how the children come into the world. We've talked about adopting embryos', adopting infants, adopting older children, domestic adoption, international adoption all the while still discussing IUI, IVF and other fertility treatments. It's a TOUGH decision to make. And I feel like after reading the information on each topic I'm just more confused instead of closer to a decision. So I am hoping that soon we'll find peace with a decision and regardless of the outcome please know that whatever decision we make has not been an easy one. I just wish that it wasn't so hard for us. People get pregnant/adopt every day but for us either one of those things seem like forever away. Everything is just hard.

Waiting...

Mumbled Jumbled mix of emotions.... that's exactly how I feel. I am sad as we continue to wait for Grandpa to be called up to heaven. Doctors are doing the best they can to keep him as comfortable as they can. It's just very hard to sit there and watch him knowing we are completely helpless and that every breath he struggles to take could be his last. I've never been very good at waiting.

I also feel guilty that we have not been over to see Grandma B since we've been at the hospital every night. I've been texting my Aunt for updates but it's still not the same as being there. They say she is hanging in there, just very, very tired. Again, not good with the waiting.

I also feel guilty that since we've been at the hospital all the time my other Grandma who is living with us has been alone. She still needs care and I feel guilty we can't be there.

All this combined with still feeling crampy/sick/dizzy and such things that normally accompany my 3rd week of my cycle & being just generally emotional I feel like I could lose it at possibly any second.

I should feel excited that we get to sign the lease on our house tonight. I should feel happy that I see Dr. M next week for our IUI consultation to get all the meds/appts set up to get back on the road of baby-making after taking 2 years off. I should feel ready to start out on our own again and hopefully with a baby on the way but instead I just feel sad, worried & guilty.

It's hard to balance all the feelings/emotions at once. So for now we just wait, which I've never been very good at.

One of those days...

Today is just one of those days. A day where I am irritated by EVERYTHING!!

Truth is - I have about a million & one things going on in my head right now so I'm sure that's why I am so on edge but who knows. All I do know is that the next person to pull out in front of me and then stop or slow down or just in general be in the way very well might find themselves rear-ended!!

In other news... We have finally found a house!! We can move in anytime after the 15th & we are SO EXCITED! It is going to be so great to have our own space again. I am a little nervous about all the work that will be going on with moving, unpacking, organizing, and getting everything switched all over which is going to conveniently obviously fall smack dab in the middle of my cycle in which we are going to be doing IUI. That's just the sort of luck we have. So I'll be doing my best to stay calm, relaxed, and rested as much as possible.

In other, other news... 2 of my Grandparents are not doing well. Last week Grandma B was sent home from the hospital with Hospice Care due to Congestive Heart Failure. She is 94 & from the sounds of it won't be around too much longer. It's pretty much day to day at this point. She has good days and bad. Also, Sunday night my Grandpa D was taken to the hospital with a high fever after being on 2 different antibiotics and sick for a week. After several tests it turns out he has Leukemia. Doctors were optimistic at first saying depending on the type and stage he might have a chance to fight it, IF they could get him stronger. Well since then he's taken a turn for the worse and doctors (while still waiting for official test results) are now saying they think the cancer has already spread pretty far & he may be in the final stages. I am not ready to lose even one grandparent, let alone two possibly at the same time. It's been a rough week to say the least, combined with the fact that I'm currently in week 3 of my cycle and that's always when I feel the worst.

Please pray for both of my Grandparents & also that Jerry & I have a smooth transition into our new home where we will hopefully being hearing the pitter patter of little feet very soon.