Well I've done it again... I am jumping the gun. I get an idea in my head and suddenly get so excited that I can barely stand it. Then I remind myself that I am INSANE. :)
Seriously though, Hubby had a Dr appt last week and since we've been dating/married he's been to the Dr... umm never. He went to the hospital last year on New Year's Day for an emergency appendectomy & he's willingly dropped his 'samples' off at the lab for testing but other than that he's never had an appt to just get things checked out. Well boy did they find a host of things wrong with him!
But this story is about the fact that they found through blood testing that his Thyroid isn't working, at all really apparently. So of course I naturally turned to Dr. Google to check out the symptoms that would accompany this and why we hadn't noticed them. Turns out he has almost every single symptom that I could find listed, but we'd just been chalking them up to different things. In the grand scheme of things it honestly makes so much more sense. I sort of picture Homer Simpson saying "Doh!".
Turns out that one of the symptoms of this thyroid trouble is... you guessed it folks INFERTILITY. I suddenly get super excited thinking that they will fix him and then we'll get pregnant... yeah right, in my dream world. I mean he couldn't have possibly had this condition for 7 YEARS without knowing.. could he? I mean I will still have PCOS but I feel like this is just going to help to have his swimmers in tip/top condition to help make up for the fact that my body is whack.
I mean I would be OVER THE MOON excited if that actually happened but on the other hand (because there is always an other hand) I would be pissed that we've gone through 7 years of hell and every other test imaginable and it was literally something that could have been fixed in an instant. Dramatic I know.. oh well it's my blog!
But for real.. I'm just hoping and praying that they will get the hubs some meds and then we'll finally be able to make a baby without having to spend a trillion dollars. That would be fantastic. Please pray for us!!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
State of Shock... AGAIN
So while we are still reeling from the shock of A & J's adopting we got another surprise Friday night.
Little Sister (that's moved in with us while her hubby's at Boot Camp) found out she is pregnant.
WOW. I am happy for them, all of them, I really am. It's just hard to keep being excited for everyone when every time I hear a pregnancy/adoption announcement I feel like God just slapped us in the face. I know that's a terrible thing to think but it's how I feel.
Then of course the crazy in my brain lets loose with the "Why Me's??" It's not a good time.
It's just so hard to understand why in the world God would want us to suffer this much and keep having everyone around us be so blessed and we are still just waiting with no end in sight.
Plain and simple. We can't afford IVF, we can't afford an adoption agency and we can't get a loan for either one. So we are stuck. Stuck trying on our own (knowing full well it's not going to happen). Stuck getting older by the minute and know that's only going to make matters worse. Stuck hoping/wishing/praying that someone anywhere will help us by finding our blog, email or just know us in general and have a baby for us. We are just stuck and it's not a good place to be.
Little Sister (that's moved in with us while her hubby's at Boot Camp) found out she is pregnant.
WOW. I am happy for them, all of them, I really am. It's just hard to keep being excited for everyone when every time I hear a pregnancy/adoption announcement I feel like God just slapped us in the face. I know that's a terrible thing to think but it's how I feel.
Then of course the crazy in my brain lets loose with the "Why Me's??" It's not a good time.
It's just so hard to understand why in the world God would want us to suffer this much and keep having everyone around us be so blessed and we are still just waiting with no end in sight.
Plain and simple. We can't afford IVF, we can't afford an adoption agency and we can't get a loan for either one. So we are stuck. Stuck trying on our own (knowing full well it's not going to happen). Stuck getting older by the minute and know that's only going to make matters worse. Stuck hoping/wishing/praying that someone anywhere will help us by finding our blog, email or just know us in general and have a baby for us. We are just stuck and it's not a good place to be.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
State of Shock
Last night started as any regular night. The family was all meeting for dinner for older sister's birthday! She's turning 30 and decided she didn't want a big party so dinner together it was.
So we show up and her mom (she's technically my step-sister but we don't like that term) is late. So we wait, and wait, and WAIT!! Then my BIL's mom says "Hey you guys come here I need to talk to you." So A & J walk over to the door and suddenly we see cameras going off like crazy and I'm thinking they are quite possibly getting attacked by the Paparazzi.
Cut to moments later when A comes walking in (holding a baby mind you) and says "I want you guys to meet my daughter, we are adopting her Monday." {insert punched in the stomach feeling here}
Needless to say we were completely shocked as they have never mentioned being interested in adoption. She said she wasn't keeping anything from us and that they'd just found out about the situation 3 days ago and everything moved really quickly after that and she didn't know the baby was coming to dinner.
I am happy for them. I really, really am. I know how much it hurts in my heart that we don't have children so the idea of them feeling the same way makes me sad and I'm glad that this worked out for them and so quickly.
BUT, having to find out in a room full of people at the restaurant and then the child is right there in front of me was just too much to deal with. I felt like I was kicked in the gut and couldn't breathe. When my other sisters announced they were pregnant I always had the 9 months to prepare myself, to adjust, and to be able to cry at home by myself and this time I didn't have that. I had to try and sit at the table and eat dinner while everyone was giddy with joy and taking pictures. It was hard.
Needless to say I pretty much lost it as soon as we got into the car. It's so hard to watch someone else get the only thing you want while you are still waiting and waiting and WAITING. But the very worst part was watching Jerry get choked up in the car too. He said that it hit him pretty hard too. He's been so happy since lil sis & H moved in and all he talks about is babies and kids and wanting to be a Dad. It absolutely breaks my heart that I can't give him that.
So we show up and her mom (she's technically my step-sister but we don't like that term) is late. So we wait, and wait, and WAIT!! Then my BIL's mom says "Hey you guys come here I need to talk to you." So A & J walk over to the door and suddenly we see cameras going off like crazy and I'm thinking they are quite possibly getting attacked by the Paparazzi.
Cut to moments later when A comes walking in (holding a baby mind you) and says "I want you guys to meet my daughter, we are adopting her Monday." {insert punched in the stomach feeling here}
Needless to say we were completely shocked as they have never mentioned being interested in adoption. She said she wasn't keeping anything from us and that they'd just found out about the situation 3 days ago and everything moved really quickly after that and she didn't know the baby was coming to dinner.
I am happy for them. I really, really am. I know how much it hurts in my heart that we don't have children so the idea of them feeling the same way makes me sad and I'm glad that this worked out for them and so quickly.
BUT, having to find out in a room full of people at the restaurant and then the child is right there in front of me was just too much to deal with. I felt like I was kicked in the gut and couldn't breathe. When my other sisters announced they were pregnant I always had the 9 months to prepare myself, to adjust, and to be able to cry at home by myself and this time I didn't have that. I had to try and sit at the table and eat dinner while everyone was giddy with joy and taking pictures. It was hard.
Needless to say I pretty much lost it as soon as we got into the car. It's so hard to watch someone else get the only thing you want while you are still waiting and waiting and WAITING. But the very worst part was watching Jerry get choked up in the car too. He said that it hit him pretty hard too. He's been so happy since lil sis & H moved in and all he talks about is babies and kids and wanting to be a Dad. It absolutely breaks my heart that I can't give him that.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Long Time No Talk
I haven't written anything in quite a while. I don't really have much to talk about.
We have been very busy moving. Finally have just about everything moved and now comes the unpacking/organizing stage. I HATE THIS PART. There are just so so so many boxes and every time I look at them all I get overwhelmed and walk away! lol Not getting too much done that way!
In other news, we are just working on adjusting to life with an almost 2 year old. (Since sister & nephew are living with us now) It's been fun and quite interesting. I just love that little guy, he has such a personality. Their gassy dog however I could do without! :)
We have been very busy moving. Finally have just about everything moved and now comes the unpacking/organizing stage. I HATE THIS PART. There are just so so so many boxes and every time I look at them all I get overwhelmed and walk away! lol Not getting too much done that way!
In other news, we are just working on adjusting to life with an almost 2 year old. (Since sister & nephew are living with us now) It's been fun and quite interesting. I just love that little guy, he has such a personality. Their gassy dog however I could do without! :)
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Tough
Some days are just tough. That's what I kept telling myself on Friday, as I sat at my desk at work and cried the entire day.
I cried because I can't get pregnant.
I cried because I'm too broke to afford IVF.
I cried because I'm too broke to afford adoption.
I cried because I might NEVER be pregnant.
I cried because I know the older I get the harder this is all going to be.
I cried because EVERYONE else around me gets pregnant like it's their job.
I cried because I was sad, angry, mad, ashamed, disappointed.
I cried because some days are just tough.
Infertility is hard. Not just the treatments but more so the emotional side of things. It's hard. I sort of laugh because my family sort of sees me as a baby, afraid of pain, scared of most things actually. But if they only knew everything I've been through over the last almost 7 years. I would like to think of myself as very strong. It's not easy to go to appointments month after month after month and have ultrasounds done but instead of seeing your baby on the screen all you see are ovaries, covered in cysts. It's tough.
It's tough to sit there and have them tell you your test came back negative... again.
It's tough to try and make it to the car without breaking down and crying in front of strangers.
It's tough to have to be at all those appointments alone because your husband has to work because you've spent every dime you have on the fertility meds. All that stuff is tough.
But it's even harder when people around you get pregnant and don't appreciate it or complain about it.
And Friday I just had a rough day. Everything had been building up and I couldn't handle anymore. But now, I'm ready. Ready to continue fighting infertility. Ready to make a baby. Ready to have a family. And one way or another we will make it happen.
I cried because I can't get pregnant.
I cried because I'm too broke to afford IVF.
I cried because I'm too broke to afford adoption.
I cried because I might NEVER be pregnant.
I cried because I know the older I get the harder this is all going to be.
I cried because EVERYONE else around me gets pregnant like it's their job.
I cried because I was sad, angry, mad, ashamed, disappointed.
I cried because some days are just tough.
Infertility is hard. Not just the treatments but more so the emotional side of things. It's hard. I sort of laugh because my family sort of sees me as a baby, afraid of pain, scared of most things actually. But if they only knew everything I've been through over the last almost 7 years. I would like to think of myself as very strong. It's not easy to go to appointments month after month after month and have ultrasounds done but instead of seeing your baby on the screen all you see are ovaries, covered in cysts. It's tough.
It's tough to sit there and have them tell you your test came back negative... again.
It's tough to try and make it to the car without breaking down and crying in front of strangers.
It's tough to have to be at all those appointments alone because your husband has to work because you've spent every dime you have on the fertility meds. All that stuff is tough.
But it's even harder when people around you get pregnant and don't appreciate it or complain about it.
And Friday I just had a rough day. Everything had been building up and I couldn't handle anymore. But now, I'm ready. Ready to continue fighting infertility. Ready to make a baby. Ready to have a family. And one way or another we will make it happen.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
SNOW
It's finally SNOWING!!! If I didn't see it with my own two eyes I probably wouldn't believe it! We are finally getting our first official snow fall of the winter season. 5-8 inches is expected! :)
In other news. Not much to report. Life has been pretty well the same and pretty well uneventful, which is good of course.
We are moving February 1st! Youngest Sister, her son, Jerry & I are moving back into our old house in Cedarville. Sisters husband has joined the National Guard and so we are moving in together so we can help with the childcare. Hopefully this will work out good. Jerry sort of laughed last night as I was talking about time flying by and he said yeah lil man will be 2 soon and then he laughed and said "Oh terrible two's, right as we are moving in together!" lol But I'm sure it will work out, just have to adjust.
In other news. Not much to report. Life has been pretty well the same and pretty well uneventful, which is good of course.
We are moving February 1st! Youngest Sister, her son, Jerry & I are moving back into our old house in Cedarville. Sisters husband has joined the National Guard and so we are moving in together so we can help with the childcare. Hopefully this will work out good. Jerry sort of laughed last night as I was talking about time flying by and he said yeah lil man will be 2 soon and then he laughed and said "Oh terrible two's, right as we are moving in together!" lol But I'm sure it will work out, just have to adjust.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Not Pregnant.... Just Crazy.
More and more often I find myself stopping to stare at myself in the mirror or at my shadow or reflection. I look approximately 8 months pregnant. It makes me happy for a just a few seconds to stand there and day dream about my child being in there and how wonderful that would be... but then I remember I'm not pregnant, just crazy. You see while I look 8 months pregnant, I'm not pregnant at all, not even a little bit. I'm just fat. I'd like to blame it on the fertility treatments and medications and stress from infertility and pretty much anything I can think of but myself.
Truth is... I'm just fat. I'm fat because I'm an emotional/stress/bored eater. I eat when I'm happy, sad, stressed, tired, bored, watching TV, hanging with friends, snacks while shopping, all.the.time. It's something I've always done and now as I sit here looking 8 months pregnant when I'm not at all and being 100+ pounds overweight, I'm sad. Which of course makes me want ice cream... stupid emotions.
I sometimes wonder if I keep myself so overweight because of those fleeting moments where I catch a glimpse of myself and get to pretend that my baby is in there and because I want nothing more in life than to have a REAL baby bump, but then I remember that's crazy.
So I'm going to work very hard at losing this weight and getting healthier. Because regardless of if we decide to do IVF or go on with adoption I will need to be more in shape and healthier to go ahead. So I need to stop kidding myself and drop this pretend bump so I can hopefully move on to a real one.
Truth is... I'm just fat. I'm fat because I'm an emotional/stress/bored eater. I eat when I'm happy, sad, stressed, tired, bored, watching TV, hanging with friends, snacks while shopping, all.the.time. It's something I've always done and now as I sit here looking 8 months pregnant when I'm not at all and being 100+ pounds overweight, I'm sad. Which of course makes me want ice cream... stupid emotions.
I sometimes wonder if I keep myself so overweight because of those fleeting moments where I catch a glimpse of myself and get to pretend that my baby is in there and because I want nothing more in life than to have a REAL baby bump, but then I remember that's crazy.
So I'm going to work very hard at losing this weight and getting healthier. Because regardless of if we decide to do IVF or go on with adoption I will need to be more in shape and healthier to go ahead. So I need to stop kidding myself and drop this pretend bump so I can hopefully move on to a real one.
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