Snow

Christmas has come and gone without so much as a trace of snow or Winter weather. It's crazy. I don't even remember the last time we haven't had a White Christmas. Sounds like we won't be getting any snow for a while either. Nothing in the forecast for at least another 10 days. No clue after that because my weather thing only goes out 10 days! lol

I LOVE WINTER. and I LOVE SNOW. and I WOULD REALLY LIKE SOME RIGHT NOW!!

Christmas Time

2 days til Christmas! I can hardly believe it! This year has not been kind to us and it seems like it all flew by so quickly that I barely had time to blink and it's over. I'm very unprepared for Christmas this year and I've been sort of a scrooge about the whole thing. I just feel like I've been at a stand still and time is flying by around me. In my mind it's still only October and I've got plenty of time.

The holidays are tough for me, it's just another reminder that another year has gone by and we STILL don't have children. And let's be honest most holidays are geared towards children so I think that makes it a little tougher. Plus I've always wanted to be able to tell our families that we are expecting with a big Christmas surprise. Sadly we've never gotten that opportunity.

So here's hoping that 2012 will be a lot kinder to us and we will finally get the miracle we've been wishing/hoping for for so long.

Crazy Train

I have fallen off the crazy train.

Every time I walk past a young, pregnant woman without a wedding ring on it takes a lot of will to keep walking and not stop and ask if she is planning on keeping the baby or adopting him/her. CRAZY! Who does that?!?!? I mean I haven't ACTUALLY stopped anyone but I've wanted to and for that I am certifiably INSANE.

I can't enjoy anything anymore without my thoughts drifting off towards crazy land.
The other night IN CHURCH.. Pastor said "So I was checking my Facebook right before this and there is a 15 year old girl in our congregation that is pregnant and she put it on there and her boyfriend was writing comments about how that wasn't possible and other people were writing comments about her and they were all so what are you going to do and that's funny isn't it" *He was telling the story of Mary & Joseph as if it were in modern times and what she was having to go through in her own church and community. * HOWEVER, I heard 15 year old pregnant girl in our congregation and my head lifted up to look around to see if I could find her and talk to her to see her thoughts on adoption. CRAZY. Complete crazy.

So all this crazy means the very last place I should have gone yesterday was the Mall to get some shopping done. Good grief that was a bad idea!! Pregnant teeny boppers everywhere. Don't people teach children about sex ed anymore. It's insane to see all these really really young girls waddling around the mall super pregnant while hanging out with their friends. Which brings me to the statement "It'll happen when God thinks your ready or when he thinks the time is right!!" So you're telling me that God that it was the 'right time' for these little teenage people but not the right time for a couple who has been married for 7 years and doing anything they can for a child. I call bullshit and that statement pisses me off more than anything. So if you say that to someone... stop it immediately. It's rude and makes you sound like an ass.

Doctors

Yesterday I had a doctor appt to look into why I've been getting such terrible headaches.

Well I didn't get to see my regular doctor since he was full until after the 1st of the year so I got a fill-in, which is fine and well since he was really nice but gahh!

I HATE having to explain to every.single.person you talk to the same story over and over and over again.

Receptionist: Why do you need an appt? *you tell them and they WRITE IT DOWN!*
Nurse: So what's the problem today? *You tell her and she WRITES IT DOWN!!*
Doctor: Reads what nurse wrote and says So what seems to be the matter today? *ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!*

I just watched you read the chart that the nurse wrote and then you ask me again!

So I was already annoyed by that.. and then he starts with the questions.

Well naturally he gets to the last period question? And I'm thinking EFFF cause I know where he's going with this.

So I have to explain to him that my last period was in October and he starts eyeing me like you stupid silly girl naturally you are pregnant! *I get more annoyed*

So then I continue to explain that I know that seems weird but I had a cyst rupture and then bleeding for 1 day and then it's just fine... no pregnancy, just move on already. *him still eyeing me like you stupid silly girl, how could NOT realize that your pregnancy is causing this* *me still annoyed*

So this goes back and forth with me explaining that look I'm not pregnant just trust me on this one. He's not convinced.

So we go through entire appt and he keeps reminding me to make sure to take a test when i get home before I get prescription for migraines filled because NATURALLY YOU ARE PREGNANT!! YAY!! CALL ME IN THE MORNING TO LET ME KNOW!! WOO HOO!!

I sort of expected there to be a little parade and balloons when i opened the door. Annoying!

So then the drive home where I start to think, ya know what if he's just right? What if I accidentally ovulated at a different time and maybe I am pregnant... stupid, stupid girl...

So I get home all the while getting my hopes up with every increasing minute. So I get home and take a test and what should I see......... you guessed it folks BFN!!!!!! Imagine that.

Stupid doctor!

So alls I'm saying is why do doctors always think people are pregnant... or maybe it's just me. I mean i could go in for a sprained ankle and they are all oh well since your pregnant you got dizzy and fell and that's why you hurt your ankle... WHAAAT???

Seriously I know that for 'some people' these things add up to pregnancy. But for an infertile, it doesn't. I know it doesn't. So STOP GETTING MY HOPES UP WITH ALL THIS CONGRATULATIONS TALK, just to be let down again.

Treat me for what I came there for and move on.

Bummed

Today was the day that the finalists were announced for the FREE IVF giveaway through Sher Fertility Institutes. Sadly we were not a finalist. I wish all the finalists the best of luck but I can't help but be jealous.

Jealous is something that I've become all to familiar with here lately. I have now started getting jealous of other infertile couples who I've felt their journey was "easier" than mine. That's pretty bad. I know how terrible Infertility is and yet here I am being mad at other couples going through it because they have IVF insurance coverage, or the money to try IVF and have done it 6 times. Am I really jealous of someone who has done IVF 6 times and doesn't have a baby? Why yes, yes I am. I.am.a.terrible.person.

It just sucks. We know what we WANT to do but we just don't have the insurance coverage/money to DO any of it.

I really need to win the lottery. I know they say money doesn't buy happiness but I'm here to tell you, it does. It buys IVF medications, IVF treatments, dr appts, time off work, and everything else we need to make a family. It would also cover home studies, agency fees & placement fees. That's the sucky thing about infertility... not only does it take everything you have mentally, physically & emotionally, it also takes ALL OF YOUR MONEY. Everything about it is sooo expensive.

So it might not buy everyone's happiness but it sure would buy mine.

Random Ramblings

We had a pretty low key weekend. Spent mostly helping Mom and Rick finish the remodel in the basement. It's so close to being done! :) Saturday night was our company Christmas party which was nice to get out for a while.

I am just sort of feeling blah today. Christmas is in 13 days and I don't even want it to come this year. We have no snow, all of our extended families are being GIANT pains in the ass about scheduling, and I'm just not happy with the way this year has turned out. It doesn't feel like the holiday season at all. I don't know how people who live in warmer climates do it. Without the snow and telltale signs of winter I just can't seem to get in the mood at all.

I even had one aunt call my mom and COMPLAIN that we didn't spend enough money on her youngest son last year. CAN.YOU.BELIEVE.THAT?!?!?! Her youngest is approx 13. All the other grand kids are 29-21, T the youngest was adopted (he's actually a great nephew on the other side of the family). Well none of us other grand kids exchange presents between each other anymore. We just buy for the little guys (next generation). Well since T is younger we have always bought for him too. Which is fine but since he's getting older it's more difficult. So we usually get him a gift card. Well my aunt didn't think the amount was high enough and called to complain and demand insist we spend at least $15 each on him. Which $15 isn't such a big deal but it's the principal... he should be thankful for any gift without being rude about the amount spent. Very tacky and incredibly rude.

I think everyone spends alot of time at the end of the year thinking about what they have done this year and how things could have been different and I am no exception. J & I have been saying (for the last couple years) that we were glad for the year to be over and that the next year would be 'our year'. Each year has gotten progressively worse than the year before it and so now all I have to say is that if 2012 gets ANY worse than 2011 was, I'm not sure I'll make it out alive.

Breakdown

Today I might have had a huge gigantic little tiny breakdown.

This morning when I woke up AF had returned. Which I know is good for my overall sanity & health but still. Boo to the things that come with it.

Then I'm bored to death at work. Very sad.

So I go home for lunch and can't get in the house.
The door knob has been getting stuck and having problems and generally just been being a pain in the ass. But hasn't been fixed yet.
So I am standing there twisting and turning and trying ever so unsuccessfully to get into the house. All I wanted was lunch.

Then...I.LOST.IT.

I mean all out, screaming at the skies, throwing things, kicking things, yelling profanities LOST IT.
I'm actually surprised the neighbors didn't call the psych ward right then.

I was just so tired of everything falling all apart and not being able to control or fix it. I've heard that people grieve differently and different things set them off. I hadn't really felt like I cried much during the funerals and visitations but I think I was in sort of a never-ending state of shock. Did I ever think my jump off point would be a door knob? No. Do I still think that part of the story is a little ridiculous? Absolutely.

I screamed and cried and yelled for how unfair it was to loose two Grandparents so close together and right before the holidays. I cried for all this infertility bullshit we've been through over the last 6.5 years. I cried for being stuck outside with no phone and for not having a phone for the last month and for not having the money to get my phone turned back on. I cried for being broke all the time, for living with my parents at the age of 27. I cried for just wanting to eat lunch and having no money since I'd spent every dollar I had on groceries last night (so I'd be able to eat lunch) all of which were currently locked in the house (that I'm sure I looked like I was trying to rob). I cried and screamed and yelled profanities at God in the middle of the yard like a crazy person.

Did I feel better after getting it all off my chest? Yes. Do I think any of those things I'm upset about are going to change anytime soon? No.

But shortly after my screaming/crying/begging fit had slowed to just tears running down my face the door suddenly clicked and I could get in. I've never been so glad to walk into the house as I was just then.

And I'm ok with the fact that this story makes me sound crazy because the breakdown needed to happen and I needed to get that stuff off my chest. Hopefully now I will be able to move on and start trying to get my life back.