We have been trying to get pregnant for the last 7 years so naturally we've always been 'ready' persay but this week I think we both finally realized that we are READY to be parents.
My sister & her son are living with us so we can help with little man while she works and her hubby is a boot camp. Well they have been gone the last couple days in South Carolina to watch him graduate. The house is so so so quiet without him there.
On an average night, we have dinner and clean-up and books and toys and movies and baths and cuddles and are just plain exhausted when we put him to bed and we talk about how we could use a date night. lol.
Well, the last couple nights with them gone have been Jerry and I sitting there looking at each other saying "I'm bored, I wish H was here so we could play!". That's when it hit me that we are ready. Before I would always think we were ready and then something would happen that would have me silently, secretly thinking "oh lord, we'll never be able to handle this" but now I'm thinking we can and we are ready to take on the challenge.
So God we are ready and waiting. We know things will only happen in your time but we want you to know that we are just ready.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Head is Spinning
A couple weeks ago hubby and I decided that we were not going to move to Colorado right now. We wanted to adopt and didn't think it would be fair to be going through the adoption process while planning a move cross country. So we decided to stay here and move forward with adoption. So we contacted an agency and were all set or so we thought.
That is, we were all set until I started having second thoughts. I'm a very insecure person and I started thinking what if no one picks us, what if they don't think we are good enough. I hated the idea of having to prove ourselves to be capable parents when no one else has to. They just have sex, make a baby and no questions are asked. It's not fair and it's hard to deal with. So we started thinking that maybe we should concentrate solely on IVF and go that route, then a baby would be ours and only ours and we don't have to prove anything to anyone.
So we started to go for both by contacting the agency and setting up a consultation with the Fertility Center of Illinois. So we prayed, and prayed, and prayed again and again for God to send us a sign about which path to choose. Well the agency I contacted sent me a very generic email stating our informational packet and application were on the way. We never got it. So I emailed them to see what happened and the director said she wasn't sure why we had never got it but she would send it again (which we still haven't gotten & its been 3 weeks) but informed us that for the Domestic Infant Adoption Program there was a pretty lengthy waiting list. Not ten mins later we got a phone call that our IVF clinic had a cancellation and could actually get us in the next day instead of two weeks from them.
So I'm not very good at reading signs but I figured that one seemed pretty loud and clear. So here we are waiting for the IVF nurse to call with the timeline, treatment plan and when we start. Hopefully everything will go quickly and we'll be pregnant in no time! Please pray!! :)
ps. We are still very open to adoption and would love to grow our family through that way. Right now I'm just scared and insecure about the whole process.
That is, we were all set until I started having second thoughts. I'm a very insecure person and I started thinking what if no one picks us, what if they don't think we are good enough. I hated the idea of having to prove ourselves to be capable parents when no one else has to. They just have sex, make a baby and no questions are asked. It's not fair and it's hard to deal with. So we started thinking that maybe we should concentrate solely on IVF and go that route, then a baby would be ours and only ours and we don't have to prove anything to anyone.
So we started to go for both by contacting the agency and setting up a consultation with the Fertility Center of Illinois. So we prayed, and prayed, and prayed again and again for God to send us a sign about which path to choose. Well the agency I contacted sent me a very generic email stating our informational packet and application were on the way. We never got it. So I emailed them to see what happened and the director said she wasn't sure why we had never got it but she would send it again (which we still haven't gotten & its been 3 weeks) but informed us that for the Domestic Infant Adoption Program there was a pretty lengthy waiting list. Not ten mins later we got a phone call that our IVF clinic had a cancellation and could actually get us in the next day instead of two weeks from them.
So I'm not very good at reading signs but I figured that one seemed pretty loud and clear. So here we are waiting for the IVF nurse to call with the timeline, treatment plan and when we start. Hopefully everything will go quickly and we'll be pregnant in no time! Please pray!! :)
ps. We are still very open to adoption and would love to grow our family through that way. Right now I'm just scared and insecure about the whole process.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Decisions
I am terrible at making decisions. Mostly because I can't just make a decision for myself and stick with it but rather think I need to make a decision that will keep everyone around me happy regardless of what I really want. I've always been that way. Wanting to please everyone and keep people from arguing or being mad at me.
The decision on the table is about moving to Colorado. My best friend lives there and we've been out to visit several times. WE LOVE IT THERE!! It's absolutely breath-taking beautiful there. Not to mention the fact that my best friend and her husband are there. :) Seems like a no-brainer right. EXCEPT....
The problem that's keeping us from moving is our nephews. We don't have any children and most likely will not have any children. Not unless a miracle finds it's way to us. So our nephews have become like our children. We currently see them nearly everyday, we've been to every birthday party, sporting event, practice event and have been in attendance for all of their births. I don't want to miss out on their great hugs and excited eyes when they tell me stories or see me walk in the door. My sisters keep telling me that us moving doesn't mean that we are out of the family or will never see them again and I know that but it's going to be different and I'm not sure I'm ready to adjust. Plus my sisters and my mom are my best friends. We talk every single day and tell each other everything. So I don't want to feel left out of the loop because it's different telling someone in the same town everything and telling someone across country everything.
The pros for us are great. We love it there, we don't own a home or have fantastic jobs that are holding us here, we are ready for a new start. Every time we consider moving the only thing that comes up that we can't move past is leaving the boys behind.
Decisions, Decisions... not sure what to do.
The decision on the table is about moving to Colorado. My best friend lives there and we've been out to visit several times. WE LOVE IT THERE!! It's absolutely breath-taking beautiful there. Not to mention the fact that my best friend and her husband are there. :) Seems like a no-brainer right. EXCEPT....
The problem that's keeping us from moving is our nephews. We don't have any children and most likely will not have any children. Not unless a miracle finds it's way to us. So our nephews have become like our children. We currently see them nearly everyday, we've been to every birthday party, sporting event, practice event and have been in attendance for all of their births. I don't want to miss out on their great hugs and excited eyes when they tell me stories or see me walk in the door. My sisters keep telling me that us moving doesn't mean that we are out of the family or will never see them again and I know that but it's going to be different and I'm not sure I'm ready to adjust. Plus my sisters and my mom are my best friends. We talk every single day and tell each other everything. So I don't want to feel left out of the loop because it's different telling someone in the same town everything and telling someone across country everything.
The pros for us are great. We love it there, we don't own a home or have fantastic jobs that are holding us here, we are ready for a new start. Every time we consider moving the only thing that comes up that we can't move past is leaving the boys behind.
Decisions, Decisions... not sure what to do.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Jumping The Gun
Well I've done it again... I am jumping the gun. I get an idea in my head and suddenly get so excited that I can barely stand it. Then I remind myself that I am INSANE. :)
Seriously though, Hubby had a Dr appt last week and since we've been dating/married he's been to the Dr... umm never. He went to the hospital last year on New Year's Day for an emergency appendectomy & he's willingly dropped his 'samples' off at the lab for testing but other than that he's never had an appt to just get things checked out. Well boy did they find a host of things wrong with him!
But this story is about the fact that they found through blood testing that his Thyroid isn't working, at all really apparently. So of course I naturally turned to Dr. Google to check out the symptoms that would accompany this and why we hadn't noticed them. Turns out he has almost every single symptom that I could find listed, but we'd just been chalking them up to different things. In the grand scheme of things it honestly makes so much more sense. I sort of picture Homer Simpson saying "Doh!".
Turns out that one of the symptoms of this thyroid trouble is... you guessed it folks INFERTILITY. I suddenly get super excited thinking that they will fix him and then we'll get pregnant... yeah right, in my dream world. I mean he couldn't have possibly had this condition for 7 YEARS without knowing.. could he? I mean I will still have PCOS but I feel like this is just going to help to have his swimmers in tip/top condition to help make up for the fact that my body is whack.
I mean I would be OVER THE MOON excited if that actually happened but on the other hand (because there is always an other hand) I would be pissed that we've gone through 7 years of hell and every other test imaginable and it was literally something that could have been fixed in an instant. Dramatic I know.. oh well it's my blog!
But for real.. I'm just hoping and praying that they will get the hubs some meds and then we'll finally be able to make a baby without having to spend a trillion dollars. That would be fantastic. Please pray for us!!
Seriously though, Hubby had a Dr appt last week and since we've been dating/married he's been to the Dr... umm never. He went to the hospital last year on New Year's Day for an emergency appendectomy & he's willingly dropped his 'samples' off at the lab for testing but other than that he's never had an appt to just get things checked out. Well boy did they find a host of things wrong with him!
But this story is about the fact that they found through blood testing that his Thyroid isn't working, at all really apparently. So of course I naturally turned to Dr. Google to check out the symptoms that would accompany this and why we hadn't noticed them. Turns out he has almost every single symptom that I could find listed, but we'd just been chalking them up to different things. In the grand scheme of things it honestly makes so much more sense. I sort of picture Homer Simpson saying "Doh!".
Turns out that one of the symptoms of this thyroid trouble is... you guessed it folks INFERTILITY. I suddenly get super excited thinking that they will fix him and then we'll get pregnant... yeah right, in my dream world. I mean he couldn't have possibly had this condition for 7 YEARS without knowing.. could he? I mean I will still have PCOS but I feel like this is just going to help to have his swimmers in tip/top condition to help make up for the fact that my body is whack.
I mean I would be OVER THE MOON excited if that actually happened but on the other hand (because there is always an other hand) I would be pissed that we've gone through 7 years of hell and every other test imaginable and it was literally something that could have been fixed in an instant. Dramatic I know.. oh well it's my blog!
But for real.. I'm just hoping and praying that they will get the hubs some meds and then we'll finally be able to make a baby without having to spend a trillion dollars. That would be fantastic. Please pray for us!!
Monday, February 13, 2012
State of Shock... AGAIN
So while we are still reeling from the shock of A & J's adopting we got another surprise Friday night.
Little Sister (that's moved in with us while her hubby's at Boot Camp) found out she is pregnant.
WOW. I am happy for them, all of them, I really am. It's just hard to keep being excited for everyone when every time I hear a pregnancy/adoption announcement I feel like God just slapped us in the face. I know that's a terrible thing to think but it's how I feel.
Then of course the crazy in my brain lets loose with the "Why Me's??" It's not a good time.
It's just so hard to understand why in the world God would want us to suffer this much and keep having everyone around us be so blessed and we are still just waiting with no end in sight.
Plain and simple. We can't afford IVF, we can't afford an adoption agency and we can't get a loan for either one. So we are stuck. Stuck trying on our own (knowing full well it's not going to happen). Stuck getting older by the minute and know that's only going to make matters worse. Stuck hoping/wishing/praying that someone anywhere will help us by finding our blog, email or just know us in general and have a baby for us. We are just stuck and it's not a good place to be.
Little Sister (that's moved in with us while her hubby's at Boot Camp) found out she is pregnant.
WOW. I am happy for them, all of them, I really am. It's just hard to keep being excited for everyone when every time I hear a pregnancy/adoption announcement I feel like God just slapped us in the face. I know that's a terrible thing to think but it's how I feel.
Then of course the crazy in my brain lets loose with the "Why Me's??" It's not a good time.
It's just so hard to understand why in the world God would want us to suffer this much and keep having everyone around us be so blessed and we are still just waiting with no end in sight.
Plain and simple. We can't afford IVF, we can't afford an adoption agency and we can't get a loan for either one. So we are stuck. Stuck trying on our own (knowing full well it's not going to happen). Stuck getting older by the minute and know that's only going to make matters worse. Stuck hoping/wishing/praying that someone anywhere will help us by finding our blog, email or just know us in general and have a baby for us. We are just stuck and it's not a good place to be.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
State of Shock
Last night started as any regular night. The family was all meeting for dinner for older sister's birthday! She's turning 30 and decided she didn't want a big party so dinner together it was.
So we show up and her mom (she's technically my step-sister but we don't like that term) is late. So we wait, and wait, and WAIT!! Then my BIL's mom says "Hey you guys come here I need to talk to you." So A & J walk over to the door and suddenly we see cameras going off like crazy and I'm thinking they are quite possibly getting attacked by the Paparazzi.
Cut to moments later when A comes walking in (holding a baby mind you) and says "I want you guys to meet my daughter, we are adopting her Monday." {insert punched in the stomach feeling here}
Needless to say we were completely shocked as they have never mentioned being interested in adoption. She said she wasn't keeping anything from us and that they'd just found out about the situation 3 days ago and everything moved really quickly after that and she didn't know the baby was coming to dinner.
I am happy for them. I really, really am. I know how much it hurts in my heart that we don't have children so the idea of them feeling the same way makes me sad and I'm glad that this worked out for them and so quickly.
BUT, having to find out in a room full of people at the restaurant and then the child is right there in front of me was just too much to deal with. I felt like I was kicked in the gut and couldn't breathe. When my other sisters announced they were pregnant I always had the 9 months to prepare myself, to adjust, and to be able to cry at home by myself and this time I didn't have that. I had to try and sit at the table and eat dinner while everyone was giddy with joy and taking pictures. It was hard.
Needless to say I pretty much lost it as soon as we got into the car. It's so hard to watch someone else get the only thing you want while you are still waiting and waiting and WAITING. But the very worst part was watching Jerry get choked up in the car too. He said that it hit him pretty hard too. He's been so happy since lil sis & H moved in and all he talks about is babies and kids and wanting to be a Dad. It absolutely breaks my heart that I can't give him that.
So we show up and her mom (she's technically my step-sister but we don't like that term) is late. So we wait, and wait, and WAIT!! Then my BIL's mom says "Hey you guys come here I need to talk to you." So A & J walk over to the door and suddenly we see cameras going off like crazy and I'm thinking they are quite possibly getting attacked by the Paparazzi.
Cut to moments later when A comes walking in (holding a baby mind you) and says "I want you guys to meet my daughter, we are adopting her Monday." {insert punched in the stomach feeling here}
Needless to say we were completely shocked as they have never mentioned being interested in adoption. She said she wasn't keeping anything from us and that they'd just found out about the situation 3 days ago and everything moved really quickly after that and she didn't know the baby was coming to dinner.
I am happy for them. I really, really am. I know how much it hurts in my heart that we don't have children so the idea of them feeling the same way makes me sad and I'm glad that this worked out for them and so quickly.
BUT, having to find out in a room full of people at the restaurant and then the child is right there in front of me was just too much to deal with. I felt like I was kicked in the gut and couldn't breathe. When my other sisters announced they were pregnant I always had the 9 months to prepare myself, to adjust, and to be able to cry at home by myself and this time I didn't have that. I had to try and sit at the table and eat dinner while everyone was giddy with joy and taking pictures. It was hard.
Needless to say I pretty much lost it as soon as we got into the car. It's so hard to watch someone else get the only thing you want while you are still waiting and waiting and WAITING. But the very worst part was watching Jerry get choked up in the car too. He said that it hit him pretty hard too. He's been so happy since lil sis & H moved in and all he talks about is babies and kids and wanting to be a Dad. It absolutely breaks my heart that I can't give him that.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Long Time No Talk
I haven't written anything in quite a while. I don't really have much to talk about.
We have been very busy moving. Finally have just about everything moved and now comes the unpacking/organizing stage. I HATE THIS PART. There are just so so so many boxes and every time I look at them all I get overwhelmed and walk away! lol Not getting too much done that way!
In other news, we are just working on adjusting to life with an almost 2 year old. (Since sister & nephew are living with us now) It's been fun and quite interesting. I just love that little guy, he has such a personality. Their gassy dog however I could do without! :)
We have been very busy moving. Finally have just about everything moved and now comes the unpacking/organizing stage. I HATE THIS PART. There are just so so so many boxes and every time I look at them all I get overwhelmed and walk away! lol Not getting too much done that way!
In other news, we are just working on adjusting to life with an almost 2 year old. (Since sister & nephew are living with us now) It's been fun and quite interesting. I just love that little guy, he has such a personality. Their gassy dog however I could do without! :)
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