Last night started as any regular night. The family was all meeting for dinner for older sister's birthday! She's turning 30 and decided she didn't want a big party so dinner together it was.
So we show up and her mom (she's technically my step-sister but we don't like that term) is late. So we wait, and wait, and WAIT!! Then my BIL's mom says "Hey you guys come here I need to talk to you." So A & J walk over to the door and suddenly we see cameras going off like crazy and I'm thinking they are quite possibly getting attacked by the Paparazzi.
Cut to moments later when A comes walking in (holding a baby mind you) and says "I want you guys to meet my daughter, we are adopting her Monday." {insert punched in the stomach feeling here}
Needless to say we were completely shocked as they have never mentioned being interested in adoption. She said she wasn't keeping anything from us and that they'd just found out about the situation 3 days ago and everything moved really quickly after that and she didn't know the baby was coming to dinner.
I am happy for them. I really, really am. I know how much it hurts in my heart that we don't have children so the idea of them feeling the same way makes me sad and I'm glad that this worked out for them and so quickly.
BUT, having to find out in a room full of people at the restaurant and then the child is right there in front of me was just too much to deal with. I felt like I was kicked in the gut and couldn't breathe. When my other sisters announced they were pregnant I always had the 9 months to prepare myself, to adjust, and to be able to cry at home by myself and this time I didn't have that. I had to try and sit at the table and eat dinner while everyone was giddy with joy and taking pictures. It was hard.
Needless to say I pretty much lost it as soon as we got into the car. It's so hard to watch someone else get the only thing you want while you are still waiting and waiting and WAITING. But the very worst part was watching Jerry get choked up in the car too. He said that it hit him pretty hard too. He's been so happy since lil sis & H moved in and all he talks about is babies and kids and wanting to be a Dad. It absolutely breaks my heart that I can't give him that.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Long Time No Talk
I haven't written anything in quite a while. I don't really have much to talk about.
We have been very busy moving. Finally have just about everything moved and now comes the unpacking/organizing stage. I HATE THIS PART. There are just so so so many boxes and every time I look at them all I get overwhelmed and walk away! lol Not getting too much done that way!
In other news, we are just working on adjusting to life with an almost 2 year old. (Since sister & nephew are living with us now) It's been fun and quite interesting. I just love that little guy, he has such a personality. Their gassy dog however I could do without! :)
We have been very busy moving. Finally have just about everything moved and now comes the unpacking/organizing stage. I HATE THIS PART. There are just so so so many boxes and every time I look at them all I get overwhelmed and walk away! lol Not getting too much done that way!
In other news, we are just working on adjusting to life with an almost 2 year old. (Since sister & nephew are living with us now) It's been fun and quite interesting. I just love that little guy, he has such a personality. Their gassy dog however I could do without! :)
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Tough
Some days are just tough. That's what I kept telling myself on Friday, as I sat at my desk at work and cried the entire day.
I cried because I can't get pregnant.
I cried because I'm too broke to afford IVF.
I cried because I'm too broke to afford adoption.
I cried because I might NEVER be pregnant.
I cried because I know the older I get the harder this is all going to be.
I cried because EVERYONE else around me gets pregnant like it's their job.
I cried because I was sad, angry, mad, ashamed, disappointed.
I cried because some days are just tough.
Infertility is hard. Not just the treatments but more so the emotional side of things. It's hard. I sort of laugh because my family sort of sees me as a baby, afraid of pain, scared of most things actually. But if they only knew everything I've been through over the last almost 7 years. I would like to think of myself as very strong. It's not easy to go to appointments month after month after month and have ultrasounds done but instead of seeing your baby on the screen all you see are ovaries, covered in cysts. It's tough.
It's tough to sit there and have them tell you your test came back negative... again.
It's tough to try and make it to the car without breaking down and crying in front of strangers.
It's tough to have to be at all those appointments alone because your husband has to work because you've spent every dime you have on the fertility meds. All that stuff is tough.
But it's even harder when people around you get pregnant and don't appreciate it or complain about it.
And Friday I just had a rough day. Everything had been building up and I couldn't handle anymore. But now, I'm ready. Ready to continue fighting infertility. Ready to make a baby. Ready to have a family. And one way or another we will make it happen.
I cried because I can't get pregnant.
I cried because I'm too broke to afford IVF.
I cried because I'm too broke to afford adoption.
I cried because I might NEVER be pregnant.
I cried because I know the older I get the harder this is all going to be.
I cried because EVERYONE else around me gets pregnant like it's their job.
I cried because I was sad, angry, mad, ashamed, disappointed.
I cried because some days are just tough.
Infertility is hard. Not just the treatments but more so the emotional side of things. It's hard. I sort of laugh because my family sort of sees me as a baby, afraid of pain, scared of most things actually. But if they only knew everything I've been through over the last almost 7 years. I would like to think of myself as very strong. It's not easy to go to appointments month after month after month and have ultrasounds done but instead of seeing your baby on the screen all you see are ovaries, covered in cysts. It's tough.
It's tough to sit there and have them tell you your test came back negative... again.
It's tough to try and make it to the car without breaking down and crying in front of strangers.
It's tough to have to be at all those appointments alone because your husband has to work because you've spent every dime you have on the fertility meds. All that stuff is tough.
But it's even harder when people around you get pregnant and don't appreciate it or complain about it.
And Friday I just had a rough day. Everything had been building up and I couldn't handle anymore. But now, I'm ready. Ready to continue fighting infertility. Ready to make a baby. Ready to have a family. And one way or another we will make it happen.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
SNOW
It's finally SNOWING!!! If I didn't see it with my own two eyes I probably wouldn't believe it! We are finally getting our first official snow fall of the winter season. 5-8 inches is expected! :)
In other news. Not much to report. Life has been pretty well the same and pretty well uneventful, which is good of course.
We are moving February 1st! Youngest Sister, her son, Jerry & I are moving back into our old house in Cedarville. Sisters husband has joined the National Guard and so we are moving in together so we can help with the childcare. Hopefully this will work out good. Jerry sort of laughed last night as I was talking about time flying by and he said yeah lil man will be 2 soon and then he laughed and said "Oh terrible two's, right as we are moving in together!" lol But I'm sure it will work out, just have to adjust.
In other news. Not much to report. Life has been pretty well the same and pretty well uneventful, which is good of course.
We are moving February 1st! Youngest Sister, her son, Jerry & I are moving back into our old house in Cedarville. Sisters husband has joined the National Guard and so we are moving in together so we can help with the childcare. Hopefully this will work out good. Jerry sort of laughed last night as I was talking about time flying by and he said yeah lil man will be 2 soon and then he laughed and said "Oh terrible two's, right as we are moving in together!" lol But I'm sure it will work out, just have to adjust.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Not Pregnant.... Just Crazy.
More and more often I find myself stopping to stare at myself in the mirror or at my shadow or reflection. I look approximately 8 months pregnant. It makes me happy for a just a few seconds to stand there and day dream about my child being in there and how wonderful that would be... but then I remember I'm not pregnant, just crazy. You see while I look 8 months pregnant, I'm not pregnant at all, not even a little bit. I'm just fat. I'd like to blame it on the fertility treatments and medications and stress from infertility and pretty much anything I can think of but myself.
Truth is... I'm just fat. I'm fat because I'm an emotional/stress/bored eater. I eat when I'm happy, sad, stressed, tired, bored, watching TV, hanging with friends, snacks while shopping, all.the.time. It's something I've always done and now as I sit here looking 8 months pregnant when I'm not at all and being 100+ pounds overweight, I'm sad. Which of course makes me want ice cream... stupid emotions.
I sometimes wonder if I keep myself so overweight because of those fleeting moments where I catch a glimpse of myself and get to pretend that my baby is in there and because I want nothing more in life than to have a REAL baby bump, but then I remember that's crazy.
So I'm going to work very hard at losing this weight and getting healthier. Because regardless of if we decide to do IVF or go on with adoption I will need to be more in shape and healthier to go ahead. So I need to stop kidding myself and drop this pretend bump so I can hopefully move on to a real one.
Truth is... I'm just fat. I'm fat because I'm an emotional/stress/bored eater. I eat when I'm happy, sad, stressed, tired, bored, watching TV, hanging with friends, snacks while shopping, all.the.time. It's something I've always done and now as I sit here looking 8 months pregnant when I'm not at all and being 100+ pounds overweight, I'm sad. Which of course makes me want ice cream... stupid emotions.
I sometimes wonder if I keep myself so overweight because of those fleeting moments where I catch a glimpse of myself and get to pretend that my baby is in there and because I want nothing more in life than to have a REAL baby bump, but then I remember that's crazy.
So I'm going to work very hard at losing this weight and getting healthier. Because regardless of if we decide to do IVF or go on with adoption I will need to be more in shape and healthier to go ahead. So I need to stop kidding myself and drop this pretend bump so I can hopefully move on to a real one.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Close to Home
Typically the hubby doesn't talk too much about his feelings. A typical guy of sorts. He keeps things to himself and just doesn't express his sadness the same way I do, until last night.
We were watching Private Practice and in this particular episode Addison was tyring to adopt a baby. She had met with the birth mother and everything seemed to be going well. The birth mother even paged her when she went into labor and Addison saved the mother & baby's life. The next day Addison stopped to see them and the mother asked if she wanted to hold the baby. Addison jumped at the chance and was telling the mother how perfect the baby was. The mother then went on to explain that as much as she loved Addison and how appreciative she was for having saved her life, she was going to give the baby to another family.
* A story line we know all too well. *
Jerry without saying a word grabbed the remote, turned off the TV, and walked out of the room. I followed him to find him saying he felt like he'd been punched in the stomach when that happened on the show. Which proceeded to absolutely break my heart in two.
It makes me sad that he's sad, but at the same time it does make me feel better that he's sad too and I'm not the only one. It definitely made me feel a lot closer to him knowing we have the same feelings and emotions of the situation that almost was.
We were watching Private Practice and in this particular episode Addison was tyring to adopt a baby. She had met with the birth mother and everything seemed to be going well. The birth mother even paged her when she went into labor and Addison saved the mother & baby's life. The next day Addison stopped to see them and the mother asked if she wanted to hold the baby. Addison jumped at the chance and was telling the mother how perfect the baby was. The mother then went on to explain that as much as she loved Addison and how appreciative she was for having saved her life, she was going to give the baby to another family.
* A story line we know all too well. *
Jerry without saying a word grabbed the remote, turned off the TV, and walked out of the room. I followed him to find him saying he felt like he'd been punched in the stomach when that happened on the show. Which proceeded to absolutely break my heart in two.
It makes me sad that he's sad, but at the same time it does make me feel better that he's sad too and I'm not the only one. It definitely made me feel a lot closer to him knowing we have the same feelings and emotions of the situation that almost was.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
New Years Resolutions 2012
2011 was not kind to us. We had surgeries, heartbreak, deaths and more sadness than I care to even think about. So I want to make 2012 a better year. I make usually the same resolutions every year and never stick to them. So I hoping by actually writing them down I'll be held more accountable.
1) Lose weight. I need to lose a significant amount but I don't think it will all happen in 1 year so I'm shooting for a smaller goal of 40 pounds.
2) Be healthier. This is my overall goal with the losing weight and exercising more.
3) Be more independent. I very often rely on others to do things for me or get things for me. So hopefully by being more active and doing more things for myself this will help with goal 1 & 2.
4) Be less sloppy. I'm a sloppy person. I rarely wear make-up, my hair is usually in a pony-tail, and my wardrobe consists mostly of t-shirts & jeans, and that's fine but I want to be the "pretty" girl that I used to be (or maybe just thought I was ;) lol ). So more time to make myself look better which hopefully will help me feel better which is again tied to goal 1 & 2. * Sense a theme here *
5) Get Finances in order. We want to try IVF or Adopt. We cannot do either until we are able to get a loan. This must be done first in order to qualify for a loan.
6) Make plans without canceling them because I *might* be pregnant then. I've let infertility stop us from doing so many things. Anytime anything must be planned 6 months in advance I always back out because this could be the month that we WILL be pregnant. That's never happened and I'm sad for all the things we've missed out on.
So this is my basic plan for the year. I hope that I'm able to accomplish all of these things and be on my way to a happy, healthier, life.
* As always my overall goal for the year is to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. I hope 2012 brings us closer to this goal.
1) Lose weight. I need to lose a significant amount but I don't think it will all happen in 1 year so I'm shooting for a smaller goal of 40 pounds.
2) Be healthier. This is my overall goal with the losing weight and exercising more.
3) Be more independent. I very often rely on others to do things for me or get things for me. So hopefully by being more active and doing more things for myself this will help with goal 1 & 2.
4) Be less sloppy. I'm a sloppy person. I rarely wear make-up, my hair is usually in a pony-tail, and my wardrobe consists mostly of t-shirts & jeans, and that's fine but I want to be the "pretty" girl that I used to be (or maybe just thought I was ;) lol ). So more time to make myself look better which hopefully will help me feel better which is again tied to goal 1 & 2. * Sense a theme here *
5) Get Finances in order. We want to try IVF or Adopt. We cannot do either until we are able to get a loan. This must be done first in order to qualify for a loan.
6) Make plans without canceling them because I *might* be pregnant then. I've let infertility stop us from doing so many things. Anytime anything must be planned 6 months in advance I always back out because this could be the month that we WILL be pregnant. That's never happened and I'm sad for all the things we've missed out on.
So this is my basic plan for the year. I hope that I'm able to accomplish all of these things and be on my way to a happy, healthier, life.
* As always my overall goal for the year is to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. I hope 2012 brings us closer to this goal.
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