I wish for many things......
I wish for children.
I wish for money.
I wish for a better job with better benefits.
I wish that I could get pregnant easily without having to do all these fertility treatments.
I wish that I would be almost done having children by now instead of still waiting to start.
I wish that my family would be more understanding.
I wish that I had the courage to pick up move away.
I wish that I had the strength to live my life the way that I WANT to, instead of the way other people think I should.
I wish that I things were easier.
I wish I was better at praying and trusting.
I wish, I wish, I wish.
I know that no one can make any of these things happen or easier for me. I know that it's all a struggle that I'm going to have to face within myself and make things happen. BUT for today, I wish life was easier.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Rough Time
The hubs and I are having a rough time. A really rough time. Infertility is hard. It's REALLY hard. It's physically hard, emotionally hard, financially hard and just down right miserable sometimes. Everything is just really starting to wear on me.
I had a meeting on Thursday with HR at work. They basically informed me that if I keep having to miss work to go to my dr appts (for our IVF) then I will be fired. They said they can't forbid me to go to my doctor appts they said that I have to use personal/vacation time for every minute that I'm not at work and that as soon as my time is used up I will be fired if I use any more time. Needless to say I am not pleased. I want to place my two week notice on Monday, but I'm not sure where I will work. I can't afford to be completely without a job, plus I carry the health insurance for both J and I (his company is too small that they don't offer insurance). So in the mean time I feel stuck and very stressed.
Then on top of all the work stuff the hubs and I are at a crossroads. I am the type of person that likes to talk things out and share my feeling and emotions. The hubby is the opposite. He deals with things in his own way... or at least i assume he does since he doesn't like to talk to me about it. :( This makes things even harder on me. Since I don't know what he's feeling or thinking it makes me feel very alone in the whole struggle. I want to talk to him about my work stuff and I want to talk to him about the dr appts and I want to talk to him about my fears/worries for IVF and I want to talk to him about what comes next if it doesn't work or even if it does....
It's just so much to deal with by myself and the fact that I don't know if my husband will be next to me for any of this makes it even scarier.
Please pray for us.
I had a meeting on Thursday with HR at work. They basically informed me that if I keep having to miss work to go to my dr appts (for our IVF) then I will be fired. They said they can't forbid me to go to my doctor appts they said that I have to use personal/vacation time for every minute that I'm not at work and that as soon as my time is used up I will be fired if I use any more time. Needless to say I am not pleased. I want to place my two week notice on Monday, but I'm not sure where I will work. I can't afford to be completely without a job, plus I carry the health insurance for both J and I (his company is too small that they don't offer insurance). So in the mean time I feel stuck and very stressed.
Then on top of all the work stuff the hubs and I are at a crossroads. I am the type of person that likes to talk things out and share my feeling and emotions. The hubby is the opposite. He deals with things in his own way... or at least i assume he does since he doesn't like to talk to me about it. :( This makes things even harder on me. Since I don't know what he's feeling or thinking it makes me feel very alone in the whole struggle. I want to talk to him about my work stuff and I want to talk to him about the dr appts and I want to talk to him about my fears/worries for IVF and I want to talk to him about what comes next if it doesn't work or even if it does....
It's just so much to deal with by myself and the fact that I don't know if my husband will be next to me for any of this makes it even scarier.
Please pray for us.
Monday, April 23, 2012
NIAW
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week!
I go on Wednesday for my Saline Sonogram. I'm sort of nervous about it. I know it's just a routine procedure and that I'm sure everything in there is fine but it's still sort of nerve wracking having to drive myself to another town to have a procedure done. - I understand this makes me a terrible infertile! lol
Other than that... not to much going on around these parts. Just tests and waiting. Hopefully more information to come soon!
I go on Wednesday for my Saline Sonogram. I'm sort of nervous about it. I know it's just a routine procedure and that I'm sure everything in there is fine but it's still sort of nerve wracking having to drive myself to another town to have a procedure done. - I understand this makes me a terrible infertile! lol
Other than that... not to much going on around these parts. Just tests and waiting. Hopefully more information to come soon!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Nerves
So Jerry and I have decided to sort of jump both feet in the IVF wave pool. To say that we are scared and nervous is quite the understatement. Yesterday was CD1, so tomorrow I'll have my baseline blood work and ultrasound done and then next Wednesday I go in for my Saline Sonogram (which doesn't sound pleasant)... but must be done. Then we wait for all our test results (hubby already had his stuff done two weeks ago while we were waiting on AF) and have another phone consult with Dr. J and he'll let us know when it's go time.
We are definitely ready for this next step. We are hoping it works, as I'm sure we'll only be able to give this one shot. We are not even sure how we are going to come up with the money to pay for it since our insurance doesn't cover it but we prayed hard about it and have decided that if this is in God's plan he will see to it that the money works out.
Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase. I think that's exactly what we've done.
Please keep us in your prayers that this will work out and that after 7 LONG YEARS we will finally be expecting.
We are definitely ready for this next step. We are hoping it works, as I'm sure we'll only be able to give this one shot. We are not even sure how we are going to come up with the money to pay for it since our insurance doesn't cover it but we prayed hard about it and have decided that if this is in God's plan he will see to it that the money works out.
Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase. I think that's exactly what we've done.
Please keep us in your prayers that this will work out and that after 7 LONG YEARS we will finally be expecting.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Ready
We have been trying to get pregnant for the last 7 years so naturally we've always been 'ready' persay but this week I think we both finally realized that we are READY to be parents.
My sister & her son are living with us so we can help with little man while she works and her hubby is a boot camp. Well they have been gone the last couple days in South Carolina to watch him graduate. The house is so so so quiet without him there.
On an average night, we have dinner and clean-up and books and toys and movies and baths and cuddles and are just plain exhausted when we put him to bed and we talk about how we could use a date night. lol.
Well, the last couple nights with them gone have been Jerry and I sitting there looking at each other saying "I'm bored, I wish H was here so we could play!". That's when it hit me that we are ready. Before I would always think we were ready and then something would happen that would have me silently, secretly thinking "oh lord, we'll never be able to handle this" but now I'm thinking we can and we are ready to take on the challenge.
So God we are ready and waiting. We know things will only happen in your time but we want you to know that we are just ready.
My sister & her son are living with us so we can help with little man while she works and her hubby is a boot camp. Well they have been gone the last couple days in South Carolina to watch him graduate. The house is so so so quiet without him there.
On an average night, we have dinner and clean-up and books and toys and movies and baths and cuddles and are just plain exhausted when we put him to bed and we talk about how we could use a date night. lol.
Well, the last couple nights with them gone have been Jerry and I sitting there looking at each other saying "I'm bored, I wish H was here so we could play!". That's when it hit me that we are ready. Before I would always think we were ready and then something would happen that would have me silently, secretly thinking "oh lord, we'll never be able to handle this" but now I'm thinking we can and we are ready to take on the challenge.
So God we are ready and waiting. We know things will only happen in your time but we want you to know that we are just ready.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Head is Spinning
A couple weeks ago hubby and I decided that we were not going to move to Colorado right now. We wanted to adopt and didn't think it would be fair to be going through the adoption process while planning a move cross country. So we decided to stay here and move forward with adoption. So we contacted an agency and were all set or so we thought.
That is, we were all set until I started having second thoughts. I'm a very insecure person and I started thinking what if no one picks us, what if they don't think we are good enough. I hated the idea of having to prove ourselves to be capable parents when no one else has to. They just have sex, make a baby and no questions are asked. It's not fair and it's hard to deal with. So we started thinking that maybe we should concentrate solely on IVF and go that route, then a baby would be ours and only ours and we don't have to prove anything to anyone.
So we started to go for both by contacting the agency and setting up a consultation with the Fertility Center of Illinois. So we prayed, and prayed, and prayed again and again for God to send us a sign about which path to choose. Well the agency I contacted sent me a very generic email stating our informational packet and application were on the way. We never got it. So I emailed them to see what happened and the director said she wasn't sure why we had never got it but she would send it again (which we still haven't gotten & its been 3 weeks) but informed us that for the Domestic Infant Adoption Program there was a pretty lengthy waiting list. Not ten mins later we got a phone call that our IVF clinic had a cancellation and could actually get us in the next day instead of two weeks from them.
So I'm not very good at reading signs but I figured that one seemed pretty loud and clear. So here we are waiting for the IVF nurse to call with the timeline, treatment plan and when we start. Hopefully everything will go quickly and we'll be pregnant in no time! Please pray!! :)
ps. We are still very open to adoption and would love to grow our family through that way. Right now I'm just scared and insecure about the whole process.
That is, we were all set until I started having second thoughts. I'm a very insecure person and I started thinking what if no one picks us, what if they don't think we are good enough. I hated the idea of having to prove ourselves to be capable parents when no one else has to. They just have sex, make a baby and no questions are asked. It's not fair and it's hard to deal with. So we started thinking that maybe we should concentrate solely on IVF and go that route, then a baby would be ours and only ours and we don't have to prove anything to anyone.
So we started to go for both by contacting the agency and setting up a consultation with the Fertility Center of Illinois. So we prayed, and prayed, and prayed again and again for God to send us a sign about which path to choose. Well the agency I contacted sent me a very generic email stating our informational packet and application were on the way. We never got it. So I emailed them to see what happened and the director said she wasn't sure why we had never got it but she would send it again (which we still haven't gotten & its been 3 weeks) but informed us that for the Domestic Infant Adoption Program there was a pretty lengthy waiting list. Not ten mins later we got a phone call that our IVF clinic had a cancellation and could actually get us in the next day instead of two weeks from them.
So I'm not very good at reading signs but I figured that one seemed pretty loud and clear. So here we are waiting for the IVF nurse to call with the timeline, treatment plan and when we start. Hopefully everything will go quickly and we'll be pregnant in no time! Please pray!! :)
ps. We are still very open to adoption and would love to grow our family through that way. Right now I'm just scared and insecure about the whole process.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Decisions
I am terrible at making decisions. Mostly because I can't just make a decision for myself and stick with it but rather think I need to make a decision that will keep everyone around me happy regardless of what I really want. I've always been that way. Wanting to please everyone and keep people from arguing or being mad at me.
The decision on the table is about moving to Colorado. My best friend lives there and we've been out to visit several times. WE LOVE IT THERE!! It's absolutely breath-taking beautiful there. Not to mention the fact that my best friend and her husband are there. :) Seems like a no-brainer right. EXCEPT....
The problem that's keeping us from moving is our nephews. We don't have any children and most likely will not have any children. Not unless a miracle finds it's way to us. So our nephews have become like our children. We currently see them nearly everyday, we've been to every birthday party, sporting event, practice event and have been in attendance for all of their births. I don't want to miss out on their great hugs and excited eyes when they tell me stories or see me walk in the door. My sisters keep telling me that us moving doesn't mean that we are out of the family or will never see them again and I know that but it's going to be different and I'm not sure I'm ready to adjust. Plus my sisters and my mom are my best friends. We talk every single day and tell each other everything. So I don't want to feel left out of the loop because it's different telling someone in the same town everything and telling someone across country everything.
The pros for us are great. We love it there, we don't own a home or have fantastic jobs that are holding us here, we are ready for a new start. Every time we consider moving the only thing that comes up that we can't move past is leaving the boys behind.
Decisions, Decisions... not sure what to do.
The decision on the table is about moving to Colorado. My best friend lives there and we've been out to visit several times. WE LOVE IT THERE!! It's absolutely breath-taking beautiful there. Not to mention the fact that my best friend and her husband are there. :) Seems like a no-brainer right. EXCEPT....
The problem that's keeping us from moving is our nephews. We don't have any children and most likely will not have any children. Not unless a miracle finds it's way to us. So our nephews have become like our children. We currently see them nearly everyday, we've been to every birthday party, sporting event, practice event and have been in attendance for all of their births. I don't want to miss out on their great hugs and excited eyes when they tell me stories or see me walk in the door. My sisters keep telling me that us moving doesn't mean that we are out of the family or will never see them again and I know that but it's going to be different and I'm not sure I'm ready to adjust. Plus my sisters and my mom are my best friends. We talk every single day and tell each other everything. So I don't want to feel left out of the loop because it's different telling someone in the same town everything and telling someone across country everything.
The pros for us are great. We love it there, we don't own a home or have fantastic jobs that are holding us here, we are ready for a new start. Every time we consider moving the only thing that comes up that we can't move past is leaving the boys behind.
Decisions, Decisions... not sure what to do.
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